How have I BEEN? HOW HAVE I BEEEEEEN? Does this answer your question?





































(i threw in that last one just to confuse you)

Kara-OH!-ke

Snow! Hey right guys? Look at all that snow out there!

So I'm holed up inside my room literally going stir crazy (the woman upstairs is pacing in her heels. i think she's mad. again...literally) and it's actually proven to be a very educational afternoon. Did you know if you have time warner cable you have a BUILT IN KARAOKE MACHINE?? That's right. Just go to channel 1017 then go to airKaraoke A-Z. It's the BEST. I just finished singing "Tempted" at the top of my lungs in my room.

Have a great week!

Glennis

Thanks, Drew

One might say I am a bit of a "dork" or "nerd" on the inside. Some might love the inner nerd in me (read: my boyfriend) some might hate it (read: Kathy Hilton. ??) I don't know. Regardless, I am sitting at home on a Saturday night which I have no problem with. Unless that sitting at home also involves watching the movie that hits way too close to home for me... "Never Been Kissed."

Have you seen this movie? Well it's on tv and dvd so you have no excuse. I hear the original title for this movie was, "let's see what high school was like for Glennis McMurray." Drew Barrymore does WAY too good a job in this movie playing me. My inner nerd has since been WAY squelched (no it hasn't) but when I watch this movie I start to sweat. It reminds me so much of high school it's scary. Not to mention the fact that she looks a hell of a lot (exactly) like me. I wish I had my old year books with me, I'd show your scoffing face what's what.

Oh and I'm not writing this so you'll be all, "what?? i can't believe that adorable girl known to all as "Glennis Ray of Cuteness" has an inner nerd! Well believe it bitches.

Ug this whole post is making me even more nausious.

I'm out, watersprout.


Glennis... we need to talk.

More Merchandise

Just in case you need another t-shirt, here's one that I designed to celebrate my favorite 10-minute song, 10-member strong band, Electric Light Orchestra.

It's time for me to say I'm sorry

Isn't that a great song...Chicago's "Hard to say I'm sorry" I mean pretty much anything by Chicago or Journey top my awesome list.

I have a new reader who sent me an email with the following video. You guys, you know I'm not squeemish but this literally made me clasp my hand over my mouth and GASP. So only watch it if you don't mind watching something totally disturbing and awesome.

WATCH IT

I'll wait...

hhmmmm da ddeeee do dum.

laaa la la la

hard for me to say i'm sorry

i just want you to know...

over now...

I KNOW!!! HOLY SHIT RIGHT?!?! THE DUDE'S LEG!!! AHH!!! EEEEH EH he eehe

Thanks Eric

FOR PUTTING A NEW FEAR IN MY HEAD

Love,
Glennis

Fear's Triumphant Return

If you missed my old blog about all things fear (see: fear and...) then you missed the stage in my life where i obsessed about well all things fear. I basically watched every medical show on the Discovery Health channel until my mind could no longer take the constant torture of thinking a branch was going to fly through my car window impaling my delicate doe-like skull.


Gleeeeeeennis... I'm waiting for you.

I thought my fears had been squelched. I thought I was through with the constant obsessions.

But no... they are BACK.

Lately I can not stop imagining my nose being hooked by things and ripped off. I know it's disgusting. Imagine thinking about it at every turn! And if you really think about it there aren't even that many things you could hook your nose on but I seem to be able to imagine wild scenarios that include just that.

Let's take a look at the usual suspects:


Obvzies


Totes


Watch those high kicks, friend.


Duh!


slight exageration

Seriously people, I hope I haven't scarred you but I CAN'T stop thinking about this for realzies.

I love you, nose. Please stick around.

Dynomite with a laser beam

I have a few things to tell you guys.

#1. Zicam is great for fending off colds! If you like to stick moist q-tips up your nose then Added Bonus!

#2. PLEASE I beg of you people, watch Daisy Does America on TBS (the superstation) Tuesday nights... I think it's at 10pm or something. I know... the promos made it look totally stupid but I sweat to god (haha I just said SWEAT to GOD... hahaha I'm totally going to make a new aerobics routine out of that) this girl is hilarious. I heard the other day she was who gave Sasha Baron Cohen (Ali G) his start. She is the real thing. SO FUNNY. Watch it if for no other reason than us ladies need to repreZENT in the comedy shit.

#3. Paul Rudd really was at that reading. I had 5 lines.

#4. Do you like good things?

YOU DO???

Awesome then you will please come see I Eat Pandas in our new run at Under St. Marks in NY! Read all about it here:

www.ieatpandas.com/shows.html

Also, we're up against Death By Roo Roo this Thursday at 11 in cagematch! COME VOTE FOR US SO WE CAN BE CHAMPS!!

ALSO... I Eat Pandas just got accepted into the San Francisco Improv Festival!

Come on guys. I really mean it...we are so good. We will make you believe in UNICORNS and SOCIAL SECURITY.

Also...


i love you


xoxo
DJ Sassy Mollassy

You must say my name!

Ever wonder what happened to the Childlike Empress?

Failure to Launch

You guys! I am Uh-HUB-SEssed with this movie I keep seeing trailers for called "Failure to Launch." You guys, it has Terry Bradshaw in it! I mean did you see him in Hooper circa 1978? Wowie guys. Hot stuff!

And also, SJP... you gogurrrl. Pulling off the 20 year old thing even if it does take special lighting to get ya there.


Siiiigh. You don't know the half of it, sister.

Really you guys. Could there BE anything wrong with this movie?

Oh just one thing...










IT'S NOT IN THEATRES NOW!!

Anyone up for fandangoing this shit with me??

What's the Word, Hummingbird?

So glad you asked!

Since my legions of fans read this blog (thanks you two) I wanted to update you on some cool stuff. First of all I recently became the voice of Lifetime Television's rebranding campaign! What does that mean?? I have no idea! But I've done one voice over so far and I hear they like to use the same voices over and over. Me & Lifetime...who knew!??

Also, this is kinda cool... this weekend I'm shooting a short film for my friend Kalika (Lynn's lovely roommate) for her grad thesis film and we get to use harnesses and green screens. So fun right? I get to fall out a window in a glammy dress!! So for those of you who've always wanted to see me fall to my death... there you go. (sobby sobby cry tears)

And on Friday night I'm doing a reading of a new screenplay with Paul Rudd. Yes, THAT Paul Rudd.

Don't you love me?!? I do!

No really, I do. When I think about me I touch myself.

And if that weren't enough, my musical improv group I Eat Pandas & Friends (whom you all so lovingly praised the website of below... well kinda. I Eat Pandas is just me and Eliza... "& FRIENDS" adds 3 others) is in the Cage Match finals up against whoever wins tonight! Tonight it's Mother (who is last years champ and, well, just about the greatest long form improv team around) vs. Death By Roo Roo. DBRR is great I'm sure but I've never seen them. Sorry dudes.

So if you're in NY and you want a great show, come to the UCB Theatre next Thursday the 26th at 11pm and vote for I Eat Pandas & Friends!

Byzeees!

Get that girl an Oscar

I did this short film about a year ago. Watch it if you want. I'm in it for about 5 seconds and have no lines but I do look really fresh. I especially implore you to pay attention to the credits.

Depression

Poor Jess

I really have a soft spot in my heart for celebrities like Jessica Simpson who have to go through heartbreak under the scathing eye of the media. But really, this is just too much people.



Hasn't she been through ENOUGH!!??

I Am So Awesome!

Oh my god will you guys please tell me how cool I am? I just designed my first website!

www.ieatpandas.com

If you check it out and something doesn't work lemme know.

Hooray!

Glennis

Fun with pictures!

Hey let's have some fun guys! I put speech bubbles on some pictures I found on the internet. I hope you love them more than you love your own private parts.

Love, Glennis









NOW YOU DO ONE!

Be cool man

Those dummies took down the cool thing I was trying to show you guys in the Apocolypto trailer. So if you didn't see then you probably never will. Sorry, guess you're not cool.

Love,
Glennis

EDIT!!

It IS still there. I was wrong. So read these directions again on how to do it. You have to click frame by frame very slowly or you will miss it.
IT'S WORTH IT

let me see that one, two step

In an attempt to move my dancing at DDPP past this:



and this:



I am going to start taking dance/hip-hop classes at Crunch. Now just so you know I've always billed myself as a non-dancer. Until DDPP I had never had rhythm and never EVER attempted to dance. But, well, I don't know... DDPP has changed me a little bit. If nothing else, I have more confidence.


Please no, I'm fine in the corner. Move along.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm slowly transforming myself, what with DJ classes and hip-hop dancing, into something... more. Something different. Not necesarilly better. Just... different.

Something like this:


No, you can't invite your brother. My name ain't Public Dancer, bitch.




One final thought. Why did this picture come up when I googled Bad Dancer. You tell me.

It's Over

Dear New Years Resolution to write in my blog daily. Let's break up.

Phew! Glad that's over with.

You know what would be awesome but make life a lot shorter? If you woke up at 8:00 our time and then teleported yourself to England.

Another saying I thought of that I'd like to bring into rotation in two thousand sex (yeah baby, first one to think of that one. I just know it!)...

"God rest his pickle."

I tried to go see Brokeback Mountain again the other day but for some reason the gods do not want me to see this movie. So instead we had to play Movie Roullette and watched the next movie playing at that theatre. The movie was "Rumor Has It." I mean I figured of all the movies we could have been stuck with that wouldn't be the WORST. Right? Right! No I mean WRONG. So bad. Just so so bad it's not even...well let's just say Kevin Costner was the only redeeming part of the movie and you all know how I feel about him. Hmmmpfjkdkkk! (that was pukey coming up in my mouth. No no I keed. I love Kevin Costner. I'm sure he's a really nice guy.

FOR ME TO PEE ON!!

That's another catch phrase I'm trying to work in. Do you guys like it?)

Oh and I now find Jennifer Aniston completely annoying. Thanks a lot Rumor NOT Orgasmic!

Now I'm off to do some real ass work today. Including a lot of internet surfing and sighing.

Glennis

i got the rhythm in me

First day of DJ school. AWESOME. I've got rhythm.

Also, did you know Ray Charles and Aretha Franklin recorded versions of Eleanor Rigby? Although I do love The Beatles version the most. It might possibly be my favorite Beatles song ever.

Also, you need to listen to Headphones. Such great music. Listen to the song "S**t Talker." (that's what it's called, I'm not afraid to say shit.)

Also, next week some time i am going to be on the radio to promote Dance Dance Party Party! I'll let you know when.

Oh also, I Eat Pandas and Friends won cagematch at UCB last week so we'll be doin it up again on Thursday night at 11. If you're up and about check us out. If we win again and then again we get to go to Chicago to face another team for the Cagematch title. That would be pretty neat.

Oh and my DJ name has been discovered! In an IM conversation with Lynn. DJ Sassy Molassy. Tell me that doesn't fit me perfectly.

Later!

Passion of the Nutbag

YOU GUYS. Oh my god you have to do this it's freakin hilarious and awesome! My rad friend Gregor pointed this out to me and I will never stop thanking him because it's the best thing I've seen in a while.

Follow these steps EXACTLY.

1. Go to this website: http://www.apple.com/trailers/touchstone/apocalypto/
2. Watch the entire trailer for Mel Gibson's new movie: Apocolypto.
3. After you have watched the whole thing, fast forward the trailer to the point just after the naked pregnant chick.
4. Now click forward with your > button frame by frame.
5. You'll know when to stop.
6. Now thank me and Gregor for making your day.

THE DUDE IS CRAZY!!

A New Slang

And now, a list of slang & catch phrases I'd like to bring into circulation for the year Oh Six.

1. Well sprinkle me (blank).
This should be used to replace, "well color me (blank!)" You can use any number of words to fill in the blank. Surprised, tickled, excited, racist. It's very versatile.

2. I made a boo boo.
I especially like the use of this new slang when old people say it.

3. That's Interesting.
Replaces the popular phrase of '05, "That's Hot."

4. Swing out with your ding out.
Pretty simple. Male vernacular only.

5. WWWSD?
What Would Wanda Sykes Do? Let's give Jesus a break. Wanda is just as sassy and she seems to have a pretty good head on her shoulders.

6. Busted
Definition 1: when one has had too much to drink. 2: when one is tired from having too much to drink the night before.

7. Federline
Let's change the lyrics to Madonna's hit song, "Borderline" to "Federline."

And that's what I have for now. Let's do this people!

Glennis

Say my name, Bitch!

My name is not very popular so I was pleased as punch to find this. It pretty much sums up everyone with the name Glennis, wouldn't you say?


Mmmmhmmm. PREACH, SISTER.

Amputee

A woman in my office who works in house keeping has been out for a long time on disability. I know because I work in HR. I was NOT a-snooping.

So today I walked out of the door from our offices to the elevator bank and she stood across the way at the other door. I looked at her and immediately thought, "Oh my god. Her ARM WAS REMOVED!!" But then I looked again and it was just behind her back.

I was dissapointed. I'm sorry Maria.

My favorite new song of the day is Stars and the Moon from Songs for a New World. No matter how many times I hear that song it gets me choked up. Also, Somewhere That's Green from Little Shop of Horrors. Good god rip my heart out will you?

That's all I have for today. This is a last minute post!

Glennis

DJ! DJ! DJ!

You guys I totally just signed up for DJ school for real! I am going to be the best DJ ever right?! I think I'm going to have a DJ alter ego. Kind of like Beyonce. Her alter ego is Sasha. She goes into "Sasha" mode on stage so she can be all sexy and bootylicous and a hot mama. So I'm going to have an alter ego and I'm not sure if she's going to be a funky fresh DJ a la Beastie Boys or a sexy DJ a la Gwen Stefani or a cute and sweet but still kick-ass DJ a la Hello Kitty. I mean who really knows. I could show up with a dinosaur mask on wearing diapers and as long as I tear up that dance floor people will love me.

I signed up for acting classes to learn "method" acting and I quit them. I don't want to do that. I didn't even start the classes yet but I know I'll hate it. It's not me. DJing? Well even if it's not "me" it's going to be so fun I know I'll like it.

Now I'm off to do laundry because it's been oh... I don't know... 4 weeks? Hey don't judge... I sweat flowers.

I'm taking suggestions for DJ names. Right now the top runner is DJ! DJ! DJ! Because as we all know, I like titles that repeat.

Good bye.

DJ (fill in the blank)

New YARS!

Schmappeeeeeee. Schmooooooo. Schmeeeeeear!!!

That goes specifically to Kirby, Andrew and Buckaloo. Yooo!

So last night was totally fun dancing and drinking at UCB for new years. I myself decided to class things up a bit and broke out my flask full of rum (Yar... t'was the Captain's rum, t'was) and made everyone in my path take a shot. So I hope you fuckers like herpes!

But really, great way to ring in the new year.

So here's my new years resolutions in no particular order.

1. RELAX.
2. Get a hot bod.
3. Take Dance Dance Party Party to a new level. Anyone know someone who works on Ellen?
4. Put up a new show.
5. Kick the heroin.
6. Star in a movie opposite Jennifer Love Love Hewitt.
7. Go to DJ school.
8. Learn how to hip-hop dance.
9. Write in my blog every day.
10. Mix my own songs to use at DDPP.
11. Leave my office job.
12. Get a puppy.
13. Invent a new shoe.
14. Become the voice of a muppet.
15. Get revenge on the man who killed my brother.

Oh my goooooood. Tanna from The Apprentice is on TV right now selling the bedazzler! Tanna is single handedly responsible for bringing back the Bedazzler! Oh my god I am dying. That was so worth stopping my list.

Ok that oughta keep me busy for a few days. But man, what am I going to do with myself after I complete all that? Whoooaaa little doggie. Remember #1? RELAX my friend.

Oh and yes, I will be writing in my blog daily mostly thanks to my lovely friend Lynn. And I'll be posting my favorite new songs so keep your suggestions coming too!

Favorite song of the day (which my boyfriend doesn't like because he thinks it's a rip off from early Liz Phair, but I love irregardless): The Things That You Say That You Do by Dressy Bessy.

SCHMA. SCHMOO. SCHMEA.

Formula GM

Thank you guys for the great music suggestions! I just bought Exile in Guyville because SO many people flipped when I mentioned it. Saying it's one of their favorite albums of all time. Also, Imogen Heap is GREAT. I had some of her stuff but got some more!

Push - Madonna... love it!!
Odelay has been revisited... love it! missed it!
Matthew Sweet has just been listened to for the first time. I need to apply my formula to him to see if I really like the song.

So here's my formula for deciding if I really like a song:

1st listen to it once.
2nd wait three days.
3rd listen to it once more.
4th wait one day.
5th listen to it two times in a row.

Do you like it? If so, it's a good song for you. If not, ditch it.

I was listening to UK radio at work because they were having the top 500 songs of all time countdown. I heard the new Rolling Stones song Rain Fall Down. I'm not a huge Stones fan so I didn't really like it. But then, three days later I heard it again. And there was something about it. Then... yes, you guessed it. One day later I heard it once, then realized I love it so I bought it and listened to it twice. IZ GOOD!

Also, here's a new song that you might like. I love it...Walking With A Ghost by Tegan and Sara. So good! Makes me dance.

Oh and here's something I'm hesitant to admit but I'm going to do it. I love an Ashlee Simpson song. Yes, it's true. L.O.V.E. remixed by Missy Elliott makes me dance like a crazy woman. I really l.i.k.e. it.

Now I'm off to find a pretty diddy to wear tonight for new years. Whatever i get it's going to be paired with my green chucks because I plan on dancing the night away.

Also, if you've always wanted to be a dj, send me a list of songs you love to dance to along with your dj name and I'll play them at an upcoming DDPP. Or you can go here: www.dancedancepartyparty.com and click on song list. Then pick the songs you like and send them.

Thanks dudes!!

(also that website was designed by me. all by hand-writing html. you love?)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Oh and B.O.B. by Outkast is the best song probably ever.

Glennis

Merry Christmas!!

Merry Christmas lovelies! I'm in Chicago and it's foggy and cold and I'm having a GREAT time.

Christmas Eve was spent at a local bar drinking with friends and I have to say it was one of the best xmas eve's I've had in a long time (I'm not a huge fan of xmas - sorry to be a grinch). So yes, last night was great. And we ended the night sitting in bed watching a yule log on tv eating nachos, hot dogs and slurpees from 7/11. I love you 7/11! And I love Rossi's bar in Chicago for staying open until a lovely 3am.

But you know who gets a huge Christmas Eve thumbs down from me? The douchebags who played The Allman Brothers Mountain Jam LIVE on the Juke Box at 11:00pm. Does anyone want to take a guess at how long the song is? Anyone? Just take a wild guess.

THIRTY. THREE. MINUTES. AND. THIRTY. SIX. SECONDS.

That's 33:36 I will never get back. That's 33:36 longer I had to wait to hear Stevie Wonder sing Sir Duke.

That's 33:36 I used to turn the bar against those db's who played the song and then didn't own up to it.

Now I'm all for The Allman Brothers (granted, I don't really enjoy jam bands unless I'm high...and I haven't been high in years) but how DARE you play a 33 minute and 36 second song in a bar?! CRAP man!

So I hope you all had a great xmas eve. And Mary Mac, thanks for the night-ending shot.

Loving Chicago and your AWESOME music suggestions (keep them coming!!),

Glennis

It discovers you

For some reason music has not played a huge part in my life through the years. I'd listen to whatever was popular I guess... I really didn't have an eclectic taste in music nor did I really care. Music just wasn't that important to me. It's gotten better over the years but I really never knew a lot about music or artists and I didn't have many CDs that I hadn't acquired between the ages of 14 and 18.

Not that I didn't know what I liked.

Recently my friend Marcy and I were out at a bar and, as was our norm, we heard a great song on the juke box and got up to start dancing. People looked at us as if we were crazy but we didn't care... we loved to dance and we found that particular song dance-worthy.

(I was actually reminded of us last night when watching the Bobby Brown Christmas Special. A group of carolers come to their house and begin to sing something carolly like "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" or something equally as Christmas-ey and Bobby and Whitney started grooving to the music. Dancing like they were listening to "Word Up" or something. Sure, it could have been that they were high as kites, but I like to think Marcy and I have something in common with Whitney and Bobby... the groove is IN US.)

But I digress.

So I posted earlier that I started a thing called Dance Dance Party Party. It's kind of taking over my life. I love it so much I really can't remember the last time I was this into something (non-human). It's made me start listening for great dance songs everywhere I go. I'll be in the deli and hear a song and quickly write down the title (or lyrics if I have no idea what the title is which happens most of the time because, again, I never really listened to music) and head home to immediately download it.

Not that I never listened to music, that's sort of impossible. But I never really HEARD music before now. I didn't fall in love with Radiohead until I was 24 and their album "Hail to the Thief" came out. Yes, sadly that was my first real exposure to Radiohead. Now I'm completely in love with them (and have all their other albums).

I'll download songs like "Electric Avenue" or "You can dance if you want to" for DDPP and although I know I've heard them a million times I'm like "this is such a great song!!" as if it's a new release.

I also love to listen to songs over and over until I can't hear it one more time. My latest song obsession is "Keeping the dream alive" by Freiheit. I'm pretty sure it's reaching the top of my 'most played' on my ipod. The synthesyzery voices wrap my brain in comfort only matched by the consumption of multiple glasses of wine and a few horse tranquelizers. It covers my brain in butter. It wraps me in swadling clothes and rocks me gently. It's so good! And again, I'm pretty sure I've heard this song before but just now it's brand new to me.

Same goes for Madonna. I never ever liked her in the 80s or 90s. I actually kind of hated her. I know that's almost sacrilege but it's true. I'm coming clean, people. Now I can't get enough Madonna (although I'm not too crazy about the bits of her new album I've heard. Is there another great dance song on there aside from Hung Up?

Same goes for Elvis Costello. How amazing is he??

I got "the pocket dj" by Sarah Lewittin (DJ Ultragrrrl) and I'm finding some gems in there.

So here's my request for you guys. Give me some more stuff to listen to and download. Stuff that I probably haven't heard, something that makes you tap your foot, or just moves you.

So I guess the saying is true, you don't discover music; it discovers you. Is that a saying? Can it be now?

Looking forward to your responses!

Glennis

me me me me me. all mine

I got an email from a friend the other day that Fuse was looking for people to submit jokes for a new show that sort of a cross between "weekend update" and "daily show" so I of course jumped at the oportunity. I slacked off until the last second and handed in 6 jokes two hours after the deadline.

So, because they were probably not even looked at and will never see the light of day, I'd like to present my favorite here for you, dear reader.

Enjoy!

In Star magazine Enrique Iglesias was recently quoted as saying, "The next product I'm gonna put my name on is extra-small condoms. I can never find extra-small condoms, and I know it's really embarrassing for people--you know, from experience."

Factory workers have already begun manufacturing the extra-small condoms and have reported they're having trouble telling when the condoms are in the box.

Ooooh snap! Glennis, you are comedy GOLD my friend. Comedy GOLD.

Happy Transit Strike!

Love,
Glennis

Stupid Transit Strike!!

Thanks a lot MTA! You are SO Selfish! It always has to be about you, doesn't it??No one even NOTICED my new haircut today! You ruin EVERYTHING!!

I hate you!



SLAM!

Watchin' With Glennis 12/15

IT'S BACK!

My favorite reality shows of all the reality shows I'm obsessed with!

You guessed it!

"Old dudes with moles"


No no, I kid.

PROJECT RUNWAY!!

Project Runway? More like Project FUNWAY. Am I right?!?

Wow, I love love this show. I don't even design clothes or wear designer clothes or know anyone in the designing clothes industry (although I once had a girl who sat across from me in art class tell me she'd designed a dress called the "Glennis" and she showed me the sketch and I almost started crying. Plain. Oh so plain.) but I totally love this show.

First of all kkkhhhHeidi Kluuooooom is just too much. You know she's one of those women who is just naturally perfect AND she's German so she says things like, "I don't understand depression or sadness. That is weakness. Wrinkles are also weakness." but I still love her all the same.

Ok my favorite new character is Santino. The name alone.. my god! It's just perfect.



He is the FACE of cocky. He was one of the ones last night with the "highest or lowest score" so he and 4 others were left on the runway at the end. Heidi says, "Santino..." and he steps forward just SURE he's won that week's challenge. She says, "We LOVED your design." And Santina doubles over with giggly delight and gushes, "oh you did! hehehehe! prance!" to which Heidi replies, "yes, you may leave the runway."

Oh daaaaaamn. No they DI-UNT! His face drops and he storms off the runway and sulks in the corner. How DARE they not pick him as top designer of the week!!

Honestly I liked his design a bit more than the one that won. But I would have done the same thing just to see his face.

I love him.

And if that weren't the best part about him, watch his audition tape. He beat boxes, plays a shoot-em-up video game, plays the guitar and boxes in first 30 seconds. Oh you cocky, cocky bastard.

One final note... Daniel Marco can you please finish one outfit on time? Thanks.

Watch this show!

Confused?

Dear loyal readers and close friends!

I now have an Amazon wish list!

Hooray!

Happy Holidays!

Love!

Glennis!


And no, manual labor is NOT considered a gift.

You can dance if you want to

LADIES

You are officially invited to Dance Dance Party Party, aka: my new workout plan.

Twice a week a bunch of sweet chicks gather in a room and dance to awesome music THAT SPANS GENERATIONS. No boys. No booze. Disco light. Leg warmers are optional but encouraged.

Everyone shares in the cost of the room. ($44 total)

Bring music, or dance to our mixes.

For more info contact dancedancepartyparty at gmail dot com.

Glennis the kick-ass putter

Wanna see it?

Here it goes.

out of this world

I don't even know what to say. This website blows my mind!

(play the games... and stick with them!)

Bathroom Humor

Hey guys, what's up.

I'm at work in my fancy law firm full of fancy lawyers who I really don't deal with that much, but when I do it's always a joy.

I just went to the bathroom and since it's nearing the end of the day I was lucky enough to choose the stall with no toilet paper left. Grr! Don't you hate that!!? Luckily I had gone #1 so I could have just pulled up my pants and waddled to the next stall to finish the job, but just as I was about to do so... someone walked into the bathroom. I sat there for a minute thinking I'd wait them out (and give my butt its "out of pants" time for today) and then that minute turned into 2... and I started to panic. Was this person ever going to leave?

I realize this is not the kind of situation that warrants panic mode, but again, I'm Glennis and I love to worry and/or panic about insignificant things.

So I sat there one minute more (they weren't in a stall... there was no noise coming from outside... and I could still see their feet if I bent down. What were they doing!?) and then decided to be bold and ask that person, whoever they may be: secretary or lawyer, for toilet paper.

"Excuse me? Can you hand me some toilet paper, I'm out in here."

No answer.

"Hello?"

Hm... maybe they left and I didn't hear the door shut because I was so deep in thought?

I peaked down and their feet were still there!!!

"Excuse me??" I whined in my sweetiest sweeterstein voice.

NOTHING.

Who the hell is refusing to answer my pleas for soft cushiony goodness to wipe my lady parts?!?

That, my friends, I will never know. I suppose I could go around the office looking for a woman with nude stockings and black pumps, but I suppose that's like looking for a needle in a needle stack isn't it?

I did finally get myself some TP. And I gave myself a big kiss in the mirror just to replenish the love.


Little did Glennis know, half-way around the world her long lost fraternal twin brother was experiencing the exact same thing.

Are you too good for your HOME!?

I was just sitting here eating my salad which contains:

1. Lettuce
2. Chicken (grilled, slightly seasoned)
3. Beats (cooked, not pickled)
4. Sprouts (pointless)
5. Bacon
6. Peas

I took a bite and "boing!" a pea jumped right off my fork and landed in my lap.

Do you think it got confused and was trying to go home?

Because it's a pea.

So it got confused.

and tried to go to my PEE HOLE

G Diddy

I feel like I'm pretty much on the cusp of being so famous I can't eat out without someone trying to swipe my napkin to sell on ebay. I mean... I was in a COMMERCIAL. So today I was contacted... I mean my publicist, manager? Both of those things were contacted today about my own clothing line. At first I was all "who do I think I am, Puffy?" Then after an uncomfortable 5-minute silence (during which people were probably considering if what I had just said was racist or not) I thought, "hey, I could be a black dude! I mean have a clothing line."

I signed the contracts without really knowing what the clothes were going to look like. And now I think I might regret that. Here's the line. It's only a few peices. I think I need a lawyer.


PEE PANTS BOXER SHORTS


PUBIE HAIR BABY TEE


SEXY SKID-MARK THONG UNDIES

I could have died. Just DIED!

Dear Seventeen Magazine:

First time writer, long time reader! OMGOMGICANTBELIEVEIMDOINGTHIS! LOL LOL!!LOL! ROFL!!

So, oh my god, this is like my total most embarassing moment ever. Seriously, it will like totally beat any of your other embarassing moments, like, ever.

I was on the train going up to my really professional office job in the city. I am new at everything so I really want to make a good impression on people, well, everywhere. So I was totally dressed really nice. I even had pearls on... I felt so grown up!

At my job we have to use card keys to get in and out of the building and the doors on our floor (so no unauthorized people get in and attack us! I know what happens, I watch MTV News!). My card is attached to a little clip that I can pin to my pants. I kinda think it looks dorky (LOL!!!) but I wear it anyway. The clip is attached to a retractable cord so I can pull it out and open the door.

So this morning, like I said, I'm on the train with a bunch of totally professional business guys. (Suits and ties and everything!) I was almost to my stop on the train so I reached into my bag to pull out my card key. I felt it in one of the pockets (filled with so much stuff, omg!) and pulled it out. Except that the clip was stuck on something in my bag so the cord just pulled out really long. I kept tugging on the card to try and get the clip out but it was seriously stuck! Tug! Tug! Tug! Until finally I tugged with all my might and "POP!" out it comes.

And oh my gosh, Seventeen, you'll never guess what came with it.

A tampon!!!!!!!

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!

LOL!!

And not only did a tampon (OB because it's more absorbent) come flying out but it HIT A BUSINESS MAN... IN THE EYE!!!!

COULD YOU JUST DIE!!!!!?????!?!?

Well I almost did! It was almost as embarassing as the time I stepped in poop and didn't notice until I was in homeroom!

Well I guess I won't be riding that train to work anymore. How can I show my face there again! LOL!

Sincerely,

Embarassed in NY

PS - The guy's eye was ok. I don't think he knew what hit him but OMG I did!
PPS - I left the OB Tampon on the train. Should I have picked it up???
PPPS - Jake Gyllenhaal is SOOOO DREAMY!!

Kraft! Get out of my head!

I just saw a commercial for Kraft's new crumble cheese. The jingle is "You're crumbelievable!" to the tune of "you're unbelievable."

I mean... seriously Kraft! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!

The commercial starts with the WWF Announcer saying "Llllllllllllet's get ready to CRUMBLE!!"

"The thing. You crave. That big cheese taste just blows you away. They're crumbelievable."

Why couldn't I have been the one to sing that jingle!?!?!

Siiigh. I <3 you Kraft Marketing Team.

Love,
Glennis


Mike knew his new ad campain would get him the ladies, but he had no idea they'd be just his type!

Big Small Cat Dog... Go!

Voice over auditions are always a bit elusive for me, I'm never sure what exactly to do with the copy they hand me (especially when it's one line like, "bring your camera." What?) But sometimes the copy writers... is that what they're called?... provide a little help in how to read the copy. Sometimes it's, "Nicole Richie mixed with Ganene Garofallo with a little Midwest Housewife" which totes helps me out. But the other day was by far the best. It was a voice over for Six Flags in which the "artist" was talking about the "buy your ticket get one for a Friend" promotion. The description on how to read the copy went like this:

"Movie trailer mom girl should be your inspiration."

So I of course knocked it out of the park with a little dash of Katherine Hepburn mixed with some Bai Ling and just a hint of my little sister.

My only question is why they continued auditioning mom girls after I had clearly bagged it.

It's the little things

How my life resembles a celebrity, part one of a billion.

This morning I woke up after a night of restless sleep caused by scary dudes screaming mean words at some other dude from their car off and on all night, (Right under my window!) and stepped on the pointy part of my iron which I had left by my bed last night.

I know, Gwyneth Paltrow?

Nope, it's just me. I assure you.

Living learning and all that bullcrap

So the pilot I made for www.channel102.com did not get in, but you beautiful people have a golden opportunity to watch it right here in the comfort of your own home! Yay!

This is the first thing I've written and helped direct and been in so it was Pretty Sweet. Or PS as we kids say.

Hope you like it!!

Love,

Glennis

http://www.lukeward.com/urchins/FinalOutputV2.mov

Priceless

Relaxation CD: $7.95


New King-Size comfort bedding: $45.00


Lavendar scented calming spray: $9.00


Waking up to the sound of sirens: Priceless


For everything else there's WHY CAN'T I EVER SLEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!GODDAMNITLETMESLEEEPWHATTHEFU... oh crap, someone was just hit by a car.

Wake me up before I bid-bid

Hey guys, what's up.

So remember how I told you I've had a really hard time sleeping and pretty much have insomnia (which I actually think sounds so cool because, as most of you know, I love diseases and medical stuff and insomnia really sounds like a great disease). Anywho... I got a prescription for Ambien from my doc. I took it the first weekend and wow, it was amazing! I felt so great, I woke up at 7am, I worked out, I took a cat nap (first one!), it was really great.

About a week and a half later I went out with some friends from work. I drank two beers but it was one of those nights where I was so distracted by seeing people I hadn't see in a long time and I wasn't at all drunk, so I guess I kinda forgot I had had them. So I went home and took Ambien. I was talking on my computer to some friends and all the sudden my eyes started getting fuzzy and I couldn't see what I was typing. I told my friends I had to sign off and go to bed (I think that's what I said! Lynn?? Megan??) and I crawled into bed and fell asleep without incident.

OR DID I??

The next day my boyfriend says, "do you remember calling me last night??"

"WHAT?"

"You called me last night and said you were sleepy and dizzy."

Ok don't remember that at all.

So I went about my day, ladida, and that night I went home, got in bed, and took another Ambien. I layed there for a minute and then thought, "hmm... I should go on my computer." So I got up, got my laptop and got on line. Next thing I know I'm waking up the next morning, checking my email and... WHAT'S THIS?? I bid on a BED FRAME on eBay while I was on an Abien blackout!

Well at least I didn't bid on something that was really expensive. And I did need a bed frame. Oh I won it btw.

But my therapist said that people have done crazy thins on Ambien... like trying to drive their car!!

I was conscious enough to place a bid for something I knew I needed. What else could I do??

Of course this is not making me want to STOP taking it, but makes me want to try and do stuff while on it.

Which I know I won't. I'm not stupid, you guys.

Or AM I?!?!

But I will probably get a prescription for Lunesta. Butterfly sleep!

I'll keep you abreast of the situation.

Hehe.
Abreast.


Gary liked to blame his problems on Ambien, but even the dog knew it was more. Much, much more.

All I wanna do is report some news

So last night instead of dressing up and wandering the streets of Manhattan for Halloween, my man and I went to the Sheryl Crow concert at Lincoln Center. I know, Lincoln Center? It was SO awesome you guys! She is amazing. And she played a ton of new songs of her really great new album which you need to get if you haven't already.

Sitting in front of us was Harry Smith. Harry Smith from CBS news, you know? I know who he is because he introduces himself by saying, "Harry Smith, CBS News." He's an aquaintance of my boyfriend and we once saw him in a hotel in Chicago with his sons. That's how he introduced himself. Is that weird? I think so.

So he was rocking out alone in front of us to Sheryl Crow. But that actually gave me more respect for him. Anyone who is man enough to go to a Sheryl Crow concert alone, in a suit, and who can stand up and "dance" to the fast songs is all right wif me.



Oh, and to the distracting guy in the tight white t-shirt and jeans up to your navel who danced in the balcony to my right the entire night... with your own mini guitar... I'd just like to say I'm not sure who brings their own mini guitar to a Sheryl Crow concert and pretends to play to her songs, but you my friend are one wild and crazy, and dare I say distracting, guy.

Who you callin dummy, dummy?

As is apt to happen cuz I'm a LADY, I've changed my mind about my halloween costume AGAIN.

What do you think?

Wish I May

This may reveal much more into my inner psyche than I'd like to reveal, but I've been having some wacky dreams lately. I usually have some crazy ones but these are like, "text book" dreams. Or as Eliza said, a dream you'd write about if you were to write about a girl having dreams. Or something like that.

So the other night I had a dream that I was at my ex-fiance's parents' house with my current boyfriend. My ex was getting married and his new fiance was there. I was sitting across from her and she looked exactly like me. Only she was 400 lbs. I kept thinking, "god, that is so weird that she looks JUST like me." I looked away and when I turned back she looked just like me but she was black. And I thought, "wierd. I thought she was Irish."

Then last night I had a dream that I was on a frozen ice scape like in that Penguin movie. I was naked and all I had was a blanket. And it wasn't big enough to cover all of me and keep me warm. So I pretty much knew I was going to die.

Now that 2nd dream could have been because I was cold last night.

Or I maybe shouldn't take any trips to Antarctica? Right? Guys?

Don't you guys hate it when you dream that you found money and you wake up all, "Woo! I found money!" and then realize was a dream. Don't you hate that?






Happened in my dream, not in real life.




did NOT happen in my dream




The cat version of my dream self

Wow

Sorry about that last post folks. Angry drunk!

So is this terrible of me? Last week I went to get my haircut at this nice salon on Christopher St. I brought in a picture and everything. The girl was nice but a little "off" and when she told me she was from Staten Island I thought "uh oh." Is that totally terrible of me? Don't answer, I know. I just had this thought she'd do a bad job.

I mean, she did do a bad job.

What do you guys think?

Hey you stupid bitches!!!

I;m DRUNK!!

Halloween 2005

I've finally chosen a costume for halloween this year and I refuse to take it off until November 1st.

Little Mouth of Horrors

There's something I love so much about going to the dentist.

What was it again?



Oh right. Nothing.

At least she was professional. Cut the small talk and got right to work.

I took a picture to capture the timeless experience.

FINALLY!

Gawdam!

Almost a full year after it was shot, CNN.com has my commercial up. Check it out! Go to www.cnn.com/yourcommand and click on the Anderson Cooper (rrreoww, silver fox) commercial called "Stuck on You."

Thrilling!

Plum obsessed

Lately I've been obsessed with the word "plum" and the image of a plum and I'm not sure why. I decided to name my website design company (that I'll be launching in approximately 2 1/2 months) plum designs and I bought plum diet Snapple iced tea the other day. I find this weird because I've never really thought about plums one way or another. They rank down there with stock market prices and testicular cancer (see: things I never think about).

This recent revelation has prompted me to think about something else I never think about: a girl I used to work with.

This girl was not someone I'd usually hang out with, but what can I say we worked together. Right??

RIGHT, GUYS!?! RIGHT?

So anywhoo, a bunch of us bitches went out to lunch one day and while at a deli hot bar getting cooked chicken, steamed broccoli and other people's sneeze germs, she says, "I love rice, you guys!"

I'm like, "ok, cool. we all do."

She says, "No. I LOVE RICE. I am obsessed with rice."

"huh? like... huh?"

She continues, "I love it! I love to cook it, I love to eat it, if I'm at weddings I always save the rice instead of throwing it! I love it!!!!"

That's weird... right? Who is obsessed with rice??! It's a small white oval!? You really can't get more bland than that. Unless perhaps you're talking about Harriet Miers?

Oh no I didn't!!! BURN!!!

ahhh

Maybe it's just me.

Or maybe she just liked rice.



Heaven anyone?

Beat it, Oprah

And I ain't talkin' about your friendships with celebrities (cuz lord knows you've beaten that one to death.)

I'm done with you, Oprah. Beat it.

First you throw out a plate from your, no doubt expensive, china collection because a dinner guest placed her chewing gum on it. (Not to mention the fact you won't let anyone in your studio or on your staff chew gum. I'm not making this up people, I heard it from the donkey's mouth.)

And the screaming audience members at the very breath of your name, well it's just getting old. Nausiating and old. (And that you say that's what gets you up in the morning. That sends me over the edge. BARF.)

Your interviews are boring. I said it. BORING!

Your stupid A-ha! moments. SHUT UP.

Your love for idiot Scientologists.

But really the topper for my hate cake was when you were talking to Uma Thurman about her divorce from Ethan Hawke and you said something along the lines of "pain over time equals forgiveness." (I know that's not a direct quote but you all get the idea.) And Uma said, "well, yes... that's a nice thought" and YOU, OPRAH WINFREY, in front of millions of people said, "No, it's not a thought, it's PHSYICS."

Oprah say what now!?

I thought you were kidding. I hoped you were, for the sake of my unborn children who would one day be reared by spending hours upon hours watching you dish sassy advice about what to do in an emergency and what books to read via hundreds of taped episodes (while mommy's out doing lines of coke off Kate Moss' collar bone).

I rewound the tivo'd Oprah-sode. Could she have been serious?

I like to think that after watching you for years (since your trash-show days) I've grown to known you, well, intimately. And after watching you state that it was "PHYSICS" 3, 4, 5 times... I do in fact think you were serious radio.

Oprah, you're a douchebag. A huge, giant, Ugg-boot giving, million dollar donating, smug question asking, Tom Cruise loving douchebag.

AND I'M DONE WATCHING YOU.

(until the next steamy episode about the "Down Low" airs)

No longer yours,

Glennis








(Oprah! I'm kidding! I love you, sister! Can I call you "sister?" Hey, call me... 1-212-BRAINWASHED-BY-OPRAH)