Two Things

Here are two things that happened recently that you NTK (Need To Know) about me.

First - I finally took my laundry in the other day. It was 30 POUNDS. That's a lot of dirty ditties, y'all! So I'm lugging it down the street by hand because A) I like the challenge and B) I didn't have time to take my cart back home after dropping it off. So I'm LUGGING it down the street and this dude sitting in a rape van says to me, "hey baby, that's a heavy bag." I, of course, ignore him and start to cross the street. He then says something else - which I didn't hear, but assumed was in the same vein (douche) - so I turn around, give him my Claire Stare* and said, "SERIOUSLY!?" and whipped around to continue my trek to the laundry. It was hot as balls, I was carrying 30 lbs of laundry and I just find cat calling lame. So I drop off my laundry and as I'm walking back he's still sitting there and he says to me... wait for it...

"I didn't mean to offend you."

BOOM! Claire Stare in action!!

Second - and this is gross so if you don't like gross stuff STOP READING NOW.

So, I'm eating lunch with my dad. We're not at a fancy place, just a diner, but still - we're in public. So I'm sitting there and my ear is itching. The inside. And I know it's gross to scratch your inner ear in front of people, but dudes - it's driving me nuts. So I give in and use my talons to dig around a bit in my right ear and when I pulled my nail out there was THE GROSSEST PIECE OF WAX EVER on it. I swear it had a face. AND HAIR. I'm not even kidding. And dudes, I clean my ears out a lot. Almost obsessively. Probably too much. So I'm not kidding when I tell you that this piece came from the depths of Glennis. Probably my brain. In fact - it might have been my conjoined twin! I was SO grossed out! And of course I couldn't stop looking at it and playing with it. Am I totally turning you off from me, guys? I'm sorry, but it was awesome and I need to share awesome things with you.

OK I think that's it. I'm in Boston recording voice overs for Carnival Cruise Lines - pretty soon when you call 1800-CARNIVALCRUISE (or something) you can hear MY VOICE! Yeah boyeeeee.

Check ya later, stinkbutts!

xoxo

Glennis

*The "Claire Stare" (TM GLENNIS MCMURRAY 2008) got its roots from the fabulous Claire Huxtable. You can use the Claire Stare to tame drunken girls, douchie guys and sometimes rabid dogs. It's very powerful. CLAIRE STARE!

A Few Recommendations

I'm headed to VT this weekend for some family time with the McCliments, but before I go I have a few recommendations for you.

First - my hair. You can't see it right now, but it looks fabulous. Well it doesn't look fabulous right now because I just woke up, but trust me it normally looks AWESOME. My friend Andrea is no joke, hands down the best hairstylist I've encountered in NY. I've been in NY for 11 years and grew up with a hairdresser for a mother... trust me. I also love to look good. So sit on it. And then call Andrea. She works out of her adorable home and is very reasonably priced.

HAIR by Andrea Palumbos

http://www.yelp.com/biz/hair-by-andrea-palumbos-brooklyn

andrea . palumbos @ gmail . com

Next, my amazing friend Adira is going to be so huge you guys. Check out her new music video for her song "Fingerblast". She's on tour right now, but when she's back you should see her show. You will leave with stars shooting out your back side. She's that fun.

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/5d588621cd/adira-amram-fingerblast
http://www.adiraamram.com/

Next - do you like websites? I have one. I just updated it. Check it out!

http://www.glennismcmurray.com

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some major relaxing to do in VT. And by relaxing I mean drinking my face off at my cousin's pub.

x's and o's

Glennis

Dream Role!

This Friday night my brand new show hits the stage! Dream Role is the dream-child of myself, Katina Corrao and Sara Jo Allocco which gives performers the opportunity to perform the role they've lusted after but will never play based on age, race or gender. Come see your favorite actors and comedians take the stage for their one and only chance to peform their DREAM ROLE!

Featuring:

-Kate Tellers (Gravid Water)
-Baron Vaughn (NY City Center's "Damn Yankees")
-Eliza Skinner (I Eat Pandas, AMC's "Life Coach")
-Jeff Hiller ("Bloody, Bloody Andrew Jackson" at the Public Theatre)
-Jessica Allen (Ms. Jackson)
-Shawn Hollenbach (Closet Cases)
-Adolpho Blair ("Across The Universe")
-Kathy Deitch (Broadway’s “Wicked”)
And featuring a very special "Dream Role Anthem" performed by your hosts!!

With accompaniment by the amazing Frank Spitznagel!

Friday, July 31st - 7pm
The Creek
1093 Jackson Ave.
LIC - First stop on the 7 Train
Free!
http://creeklic.com/directions/

Hope you can make it!

Love,

Glennis

PS - Want to be a part of a future Dream Role cast? Write to us at submitadreamrole @ gmail dot com.

The Striptease Bus Is Coming

My pals Billy and Adam from Harvard Sailing Team made a hilarious video and they asked me to be in it. Check it out as I do a really sexy (scary) striptease.

And check out www.billyandadam.com for more of their videos!



Love,

Glennis

I just want you to know,

A Little MJ Love

It's not much, but here's a video I shot with a bunch of pals back in 2006 as my audition to be Ellen's new DJ. I, of course, used an MJ song because there are no better songs to jam to on the planet.

Enjoy.

RIP, Michael. Thanks for the sweet, sweet jams.



Love,

Glennis

PS - Please don't call me.

NY Stories

I am enjoy these a lot. If you haven't already watched, might I recommend comedian Jesse Popp (a friend of mine and a great person and stand up!) and The Singing Waitress from one of my favorite dives in the city - Marie's Crisis. A piano bar in the West Village that I used to frequent so often the piano player would see me come in, mouth, "give me 5!" and then would call me up to the piano to perch on a stool and sing a Gershwin number. Maggie has been the waitress there for years and years and she is one of the sweetest ladies on Earth.

I love little peaks into other people's lives. And this way it's totally legal!

xoxo

Glennis

Paralyzed by Glennis

This, my dear readers, is the poster for my new solo show: Paralyzed by Glennis! All the characters featured in this show have had their lives affected by living in fear.

I have operated from a place of fear for most of my life. Yep, it's true. I know you probably just fell off your chair because I'm such a loving and fabulous gal, but a lot of negative emotions are rooted in fear. This will affect your life, especially if you have no idea that that's what is going on. Jealousy, anger, denial - all forms of fear. I don't want to get all preachy but you get the idea.

One of my many obsessions is watching (mostly TV) shows about people who self-sabotage. I am fascinated by it. I think self-sabotage is the number one result of fear. I'm afraid to be happy/fabulous/rich/famous/smart/funny/etc. so I'm going to do everything in my power to keep myself from achieving those things. The ways in which people self-sabotage are infinite, but the end result is always the same and I can tell you one thing - it's not happiness. Some people just naturally operate from a place of love, but others have to fight to get through the shit-storm of fear to find happiness. And I love when they do because it reiterates my belief that no one wants to be miserable.

I'm taking a chance putting something I strongly believe in out there like this, but what's the other option? Letting my fear take over? I've tried that route and all it brings is misery and regret.

I hope I see your lovely and loving faces there. I really do.

LOVE,

Glennis

Fancy Pandies

Pandies as in Pandas as in I EAT. That's right, folks - if you haven't already heard about it through the Facebook grapevine, I Eat Pandas has gone extra fancy. We've pumped up the awesome to 2,000 (on a scale of 50) and we're kicking it all super hot style for you, the audience. Because without you we'd just be two super hotties and a kick-ass pianist talking to ourselves.

How are we fancier?

Well for one - we've stopped stealing. Eliza and I are, among other things, master thieves. We have a huge warehouse at the exact half-way point between our two houses and it's overflowing with cars, furs and diamonds. True, the cars are Fiats, the furs are squirrel and the diamonds are all set in Hello Kitty pendants, but all of it: stolen.

We're also fancier because we're getting grills put in our teeth. These grills:



Oh, did I forget to mention we're also becoming Vampires? We aren't stupid - we've noticed a trend in Vampire popularity lately and we're catching that train to stardom. The only difference in our case is we don't drink blood. Give us a nice bloody mary, thank you very much.

But the #1 fancy thing we've done of late is join forces with WET (Women's Expresive Theatre, Inc.) to move our show from the basement of a Gristedes to a fancy off-Broadway theatre. Can you dig that?!

We have two mo shows:

Mondays, June 22nd and June 29th at 9:30pm
DR2 Theatre - Union Square
103 East 15th Street
Btwn Union Sq East & Irving Place
$5.00

To add to the fancy they provide patrons of our show with free snacks and drinks. Stella, wine, cheese, crudite... none of these words we even uttered pre-fancy!

And so I think it needs to be said - here's our one chance fancy don't let us down.

See you at the DR2!

xoxo

Glennis

Totes Profesh

I apologize if you've already read this on my Facebook feed, but it bears repeatin', y'all.

This morning I had a voice over job at a studio which already has a spotty track record with this gal. I was almost late for a job the other day because the casting director kept me in the room for 15 minutes saying 3 lines 20 different ways. Infuriating, dudes! But, hey... I booked the job so I really can't complain, riyeet?

So I show up this morning and the receptionist, who is one of those scary ladies you don't want to piss off by saying, "hello" the wrong way, is already huffing and puffing. I timidly tell her I'm there and take a seat and then it starts. She gets on the phone and starts yelling at someone. She is dropping F-bombs left and right not even attempting to cover them up for, you know, any clients that might be around. I am appalled by her lack of professionalism, but I'm also intrigued. I also can't help but listen because I CAN'T LEAVE. So I gather from her conversation that she's pissed about someone whose child is in the hospital. I think they accused her of not calling or checking in on them and she keeps repeating, "I tried to call! She knows me better than that! She can fucking call ME if she wants to talk." It was... sad. What made it increasingly hilarious was the fact that she had Lady Gaga's Poker Face on REPEAT. No joke, guys, from 10:30am - 11:15 and then from 1!:30 - 12:20 I sat there in terror as the scariest receptionist on Earth (TSROE) yelled and jammed simultaneously.

How does she keep her job you might ask? I might ask that too if I wasn't so damn frightened of her. She did answer the office phone a few times which made it even more hilarious since she switched on a dime into her "profesh" voice. The thing that made it most confusing was that everyone who seemed to work there just walked past completely unfazed by her screaming into the phone. Fucking sick kids! They make me so angry, too!!

I finally got the OK to leave and I booked it out of there faster than she could drop another F-bomb.

And this, my friends, has been an insight into a day in the life of yours truly.

x's and o's

You fuckers.

Glennis

PS - I will never listen to Poker Face again. Count on that.

Girls Kick It

I know this is old news, but is there anything better than Beth Ditto?



No. No there is not.

Kick ass, ladies!

Glennis

Obsessed with Obsessed

Have you ever felt dirty? No, not dirty... filthy. Like really just gross and filthy and disgusting? Like you're all bro I am COVERED in germs. And then you start to think about how dirty you are and that makes you want to wash your hands. 100 times a day. And then that's just not enough because guess what the grossest thing is? Grosser than dirt even? POOP. And guess who poops? EVERYONE. And that fuckin' grosses you out, but guess what? You still have to pooh! I mean unless you don't eat and how long can that possibly last. So you poop and then guess what? It's even more disgusting than you imagined and so you take a shower. But you just can't get clean! One hour, two hours... logic tells you a shower should do the trick and yet you still feel disgusting! That awful poop! It came out of your butt! Your butt is dirty!! And so what do you do THEN? Why you'd scrape out your bowels with a toothbrush of course!

Y'aaaaall! Am I freaking you out or what? That shit is not made up either. It's just one of my latest obsessions: the A&E show Obsessed which follows people struggling with OCD.

BEST_SHOW_EVER

Imagine if thinking about germs lead you to the point where you're cleaning yourself out so thoroughly that are hospitalized not once, but twice for blood transfusions. I know, guys. I know.

And as gross and upsetting (and wicked nasty!) that is - I totally get it. My brain gets obsessed with stuff pretty easily and, according to Matt, I love to use the word "obsessed" to describe things that people are not in fact obsessed with. (Getting the same flavor of ice cream two times in a row and then mentioning that you love said flavor = obsessed.) I am obsessed with Obsessed.

When I was younger I remember I used to play the piano on my leg and if I didn't play the same notes, the same amount of times on each hand it would drive me crazy. I also become totally obsessed with songs and have to listen to them over and over until I'm sick of them. You might be saying, "yeah G, I do that too" but you'd be wrong. I do it to the point where I don't want to listen to the song and yet can not stop myself. I can not stop myself. Thankfully I don't scrape my eardrums out, y'all!

But seriously, yo, I think we all have some sort of OCD don't you? Sure as shit. Oh yeah I also sometimes say the same word over and over in my head until I can't not say it. Some of the words I find on repeat in my head are: Cornucopia, Dewitt, Arbitration and Class Action. Weird that most of them have to do with the law... I guess the law has a lot of fun words to say which is ironic because the law is anything but fun. Yeah you can try to sell it to me as much as you want, lawyers. Not buying.

But I digress...

The other 1/2 of the show featured a mathematician who was obsessed with working out. It seemed to me he had something like 5 gym memberships and he'd spend 8 or 9 minutes in each gym and work out upwards of 50 times a week. The funniest thing, and you should take notice of this if you watch (and why wouldn't you watch?) is that he had terrible form when working out. And he worked out in street clothes... I mean clearly changing is going to take even more time out of your day so why bother. I've seen guys like this at my gym and I could never figure it out. Now I know your secret! I felt especially bad for this guy because he had been doing this for something like 16 years. How do you break a 16-year-old habit?? Over you knee, y'all. Over your knee.

So my questions for you are - what are you obsessed with and WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS - go watch that show!!

(You can watch it here.)

Obsessively Yours,

Glennis

PS - I just realized how obsessed I am - look at what I called our I Eat Pandas Facebook group!

Word, LA. Word.

Hey guys! What up!

I'm sitting at LAX waiting for my delayed flight to un-delay and get me back into the arms of my lover. NYC. What is it about you?

I missed NY and all it's convenience (subways), but I thoroughly enjoyed driving around in my sweet ride for a week. I rented a mid-sized from Hotwire.com and when I got there the agent directed me to Section 2 and said, "pick a car." Did I go for the PT Loser? Snoway. Did I go for the Ford Snoozion? Nadachance. Did I see a hot Mustang sportsies with my name written all over it? Bazingo!


Souped up version of my ride.


Here's a question for the masses: why is my area at the airport the prime spot for people to stand and make phone calls and B) why does it smell like farts?

(Answer - I farted.)

So let's start from the beginning with the flight to LAX. Sat next to one of the most agitated men I've ever encountered. Sir Sighs-A-Lot. Christ dude, we all know flying sucks, but really? Annoyed by someone closing the bathroom door? Chill OUT homey! I spent the entire flight worried he'd snap and rip my head off my poor little frame. But, friends! Justice was served when, upon landing, he sneezed and his gum flew from his mouth to the pages of the book (on "Depression Era Economics") he was reading and stuck there. Talk about ANNOYED! Two words, dude. SUCK. IT.

I decided to get my ass in gear this trip so I worked out like a mofo. Firsts I ran on the beach which, need I say, is flippin' hard! I fell. Once. Ok, twice. Second time on purpose because the first fall was so fun. Then on the second day I went for a hike on Runyon Canyon. Runyon reminds me of Funions which I love to eat and are the opposite of working out. Side note. So I hiked up the Canyon and had a celebrity sighting. LC from The Hills! What!? I know. Kind of lame, but also kind of thrilling. Don't ask me why, friends. Don't ask. Anywhozits, I made it to the top before realizing that the earrings I had so vainly adorned myself in that morning (earrings on a hike? who am I, Claire's Boutique?) had fallen out of my jacket pocket. Some dog probably ate them because they were not to be found. I spent a good $6 on those earrings, folks. They will be missed. (And, to clarify, they were taken off because I walk with such a stride the back and forth motion became too much for my gentle lobes to take.)

On Tuesday night I went with Skinner to see one of the fliest groups on either coast at Largo: Magnolia Memoir. Headed by our Pandas West-Coast pianist, Alex Burke. The man has so many skillz he could pay off our national debt. The group was beyond amazing and Pandas was thrilled to have a few of them in the audience of our show on Thursday night. Friends sharing talent with friends. Warms my cockles (and balls).

Wednesday night I did a little something you might have heard of called STAND UP, BITCHES. Yep. Kicked it old school style on the stage at West Side Comedy and did a pretty good set if I do say so. And I do. 3rd time doing stand up! What? Killed it.

Thursday night was the reallybigshew! Pandas at UCB! We had a nice line outside the theatah and our crowd really ate up every tasty morsel we threw at them. Our suggestion was "Pony" and, now: a recap.

30-minute musical featured me as a woman named Phyllis who wanted her daughter, Claire, to call her Mommy. Claire was understandably hesitant as Phyllis killed Claire's birth mother and tried to raise Claire as her own - buying her love with Ponies. Phyllis met Eliza's 2nd character who was a horse-trainer haunted by the death of one of his students. He took the blame where Phyllis, who should have, did not. They met at a bar and learned a lot from each other. And drank a lot. Phyllis and Claire ended up in each others arms and lessons were learned.

15-minute musical featured me as a British pony lived in the land of magical ponies only - all the magical ponies disappeared because, why else, no one believed!! Eliza's pony character sent me back to the land of humans and convince one person to believe in magical ponies. British pony found herself in a cooling duct in an office building where Eliza's 2nd character, Bob, a cold, heartless businessman, took conference calls. British pony convinced Bob to believe and brought him back to the land of magical ponies...where they tried to kill him. Bob stopped believing and the ponies started disappearing again. And for the life of me I can't remember how it ended. WHAT!? Shit. It was good, trust me.

5-minute musical featured both our characters as merry-go-round horses trying to realize their dreams. Eliza's pony killed mine at the end and we burned to the ground. It's what we do.

And now here I sit at LAX waiting to get this bitch in the sky. Overall, the trip gets two snaps and a booty smack. Damn good time had by all!

Except the part where I threw up in my car. That was kind of shitty. But, hell man, what's a good time without a little vomit?

GLENNIS OUT!

Mommies Day!

For all you new mommies out there, check out my pal Susan's adorable clothing line!

Hello, Banjo!

The clothes are insanely cute and I'm buying some for Matt's neice and nephew. Shhh. It's a surprise and they love the internet. (I'm kidding, they can't even read. Dummies!!)

Or, if you're not having one, why not pick up something for someone you know? It's never too early to give that little bump a gift and NY has baby fever!

Happy soon-to-be Mother's Day!

Love,

Glennis

Parody Mondays

Since I've been having a rough couple of weeks and because song parodies make me so happy, I've decided to put my itunes on random and write song parody (titles) to each of the songs that come up.

Give Me One Gleason
A song about how the world needs another comedy talent like Jackie Gleason.
Original song: Give Me One Reason by Tracy Chapman


Tangled Up in Poo
(that's for you, Skinner)
A song about getting poo on your hands and finding it on your clothes throughout the rest of the day.
Original song: Tangled up in Blue by Bob Dylan


Don't Dream It's Grover
A song about how you'd rather date a slightly retarded puppet than your current boyfriend.
Original Song: Don't Dream It's Over by Crowded House


Where Do Broken Farts Go?
(that one's for you, Lizard)
A song about a gas bubble who can't decide whether to become a fart or a burp.
Original song: Where Do Broken Hearts Go by Whitney Houston


Apprias(al) of Cory
A song about Cory Feldman's monetary worth.
Original song: Blaze of Glory by Bon Jovi


I Wanna Pee Or Hover
A song about having to pee but wanting to read what your co-worker is twittering about.
Original song: I Wanna Be Your Lover by Prince


Here, You Cum on Big Ben
A song about wanting to cum on Big Ben.
Original Song: Here You Come Again by Dolly Parton


Pony Trappers
A song about the egregious pony trapping crimes being committed every day in pony land.
Original Song: Phony Rappers by Tribe Called Quest


You'll Always Give me Rabies
A song about wild raccoons.
Original song: You'll Always Be My Baby by Mariah Carey.


And finally...

Ran In Lotion
A song about running a marathon while covered in lotion. It's a work in progress.
Original song: Man in Motion by John Parr


That's all.

Love,

Glennis

Debate

I've been having the following debate with myself off and on for the last hour or so:

"I only wore this shirt for like 2 hours a couple of days ago. Can I get away with wearing it again to avoid sifting through the plastic bags to find another?"

Only - replace "shirt" with "underwear".

Hooray for my apartment!!

Love,

Glennis

Fascination Street

When we moved into our sweet little (bedbug infested) apartment in Williamsburg, our first order of business was to check out the local restaurants. Natch. We decided it would probably be best to take a walk a few blocks in either direction of our apartment. This was August of last year so there were people out in droves. As we walked to the right, the old men across the street noticed Matt's shock of red hair and immediately called out to him, "hey! you're the cable guy!" Matt, as always, graciously waved back, confirmed their assumption and we went on our way.

The first place we happened upon was a little diner called the Garden Grill. We popped in for a bite and it was instant mayhem. Here were more fans of the cable guy! Our meal was instantly that much more fun/hilarious as the man behind the counter (the owners son, we soon came to find out) tripped over himself at the thought that he was talking to the one and only cable guy. We enjoyed our meal, paid (what? no free food!?) and left, but not before the owners son got Matt's autograph and his website address promising he'd come to a show. Pretty nice!

The next time out of our apartment the old men were sitting outside again and, again, waved and shouted to Matt. This time there was a man on our side of the street yelling to an older, fatter man on the other side of the street. They had a good laugh, Matt kindly acknowledged them again and we decided this time to check out the diner directly across the street from us. The diner, we soon came to find out, that was frequented by a gaggle of old men. As we sat at the counter trying to enjoy our food, the largest, loudest of the old men carried on a conversation about Matt, but not including him in the convo. So it was stuff like, "I bet he gets bothered all the time! The Cable Guy! I bet he just wants to eat his food in silence! Why don't you fellas stop staring at him!" So... that was the last time we went there. Back to Garden Grill it was!

Every single time we go to the GG, the owner's son (the one on all the menus and the magnet which now decorates our fridge) says "hey! when are you performing! give me your website! CABLE GUY!!" to Matt and exactly ZILCH to me. Nothing. I can be standing IN FRONT of Matt and he'll still completely ignore me. Which, fine - I mean I get it. You are fascinated by someone who has been on your TV. Fine. But then one day as we were eating breakfast at GG, an older woman said, "are you the man from TV? Oooh I am going to tell my girlfriends I had breakfast with you! I mean, I know you have a..." and then she did one of those dismissive hand waves in my direction indicating that what she meant to say was "infectious disease." The nerve! And how do you respond to that? We both laughed a little - she laughed a lot.

Really, it's not a big deal that I'm ignored at Garden Grill. (I swear! Really! Why don't you believe me!!?) I just find it fascinating that to this day the oldies on our street are still completely in awe of having the cable guy on their block. I told Matt he should try and start a Ponzi scheme with their retirement money since they're so eager to be around him, and then he beat me with a sack of oranges for coming up with such a bad idea. Ahhh, true love!

This also just goes to show who Matt's target audience is: oldies. And gays. This didn't really prove my gay point, but trust me. The gay community is all over that red-headed god!

So the point is this: if you see a celebrity on the street, even if it's a man of commercial fame, say your bit to them and be on your way. I mean, I know older people have a pass because they're old and whatever, but it doesn't excuse common decency. And I know I'm going to sound a little bitter, but why not say hi to the person that they're with? What am I... I mean, ARE THEY... chopped liver??

Jadedly yours,

Glennis

Glennis: The Meal

Every night, as I sleep, I am feasted upon. It's as if my apartment was a restaurant, my bed the plate and me the main course. All you can eat until dawn! (There's a very real possibility that I am feasted upon 2nd, Matt first, which would make me the dessert which, if we're being totally honest, is a little more accurate.)

I mean, I really can't blame the bed bugs for feasting on me. I am pretty delicious. Not that I'd know! But hey, who hasn't accidentally swallowed some of their own blood? From picking on a scab. On their knee. Don't judge me!!

Um...

Like I was saying - I really can't blame the bed bugs for feasting on me. And in some ways I'm very appreciative of the way they operate. For one thing, they wait until I'm fast asleep to feast which is very considerate! That way I don't have to know what's going on or feel the sting of the tiny creatures sucking the very life from my body. It's really very considerate. And I also have to give them props for not attacking my money maker! No, not my butt, pervs... my face. (Although sometimes my butt says stuff of higher quality than my face. I digress.) Not once have I had a bite on the kisser. So, really, I have to thank them for that as well.

I am, however, a little tired of the bites. I'm pretty allergic to them. And, though I appreciate the avoidance of my face, the bites on my feet - toes specifically - are pretty uncomfortable. As I type I have two on my toes, one on the top of my foot and one on the arch and another on my calf. Not very fun when wearing shoes, dear bedbugs!!

Now listen: I truly don't mind being a feast for any of god's creatures. If they didn't multiply so damn quickly and cause itchy, red welts I can't think of a reason I'd mind! As I said - I am pretty tasty. But, dammit, I am allergic and they do multiply and it's about time these fuckers were eradicated! And so we have a 2nd round of extermination coming in on Thursday to soak our pad with chemicals which give me a sore throat and a cough. That's gotta be healthy, right?

Now here's a very real fear that I must share with you. Bedbug ghosts. Do they exist? Will they haunt me for wiping out their family, who was probably brought into our home by us or someone we know and love? Will they carry teeny-tiny bedbug chains to haunt my attic (my hair)? Or will they try to learn to pick up a penny and then show up at my pottery wheel to make a vase with me? Are they going to hire a sassy black woman who speaks to the dead to come to my house and tell me, "ditto"? Does everyone get the movie I'm trying really hard to reference?!? No matter how cool a story it would make (which I'd tell if The Moth ever had a "Bedbug Haunting" themed night) I do not want.

Booooooodbug!

But we're getting off the subject now. The point of this diatribe is that A) I am delicious, B) I need to stop picking my scabs and C) I am praying to whatever is out there that these bedbugs are wiped out. I feel bad, but hey. I canna take no more!

AH! AH HA! As I type this Matt found a bedbug on our curtain! Getting bolder are we, fuckers? Coming out in the daylight!? I SEE HOW IT IS.

Oh it is SO ON, you little bastards! This is war! I don't know what that means because there's not much more I can do aside from sleeping in a full berka but, hey, if that's what it takes to deprive you of your tasty Glennis platter then SO BE IT! Access: denied!

(Seriously, bedbugs suck so hard. Don't come over to my house. Or hug me. I will give you bedbugs. I'm disgusted with myself.)

Don't let the bedbugs bite! HAR HAR HAR.

Love,

Glennis

Wedding Weekend Recap!

This past weekend my little sister, Kelsey, got married, you guys! Normally, I can't even finish that sentence before someone says, "you're next!" which is why I'm glad I'm writing this on my blog. No interruptions. Let's focus on the task at hand, people. One marriage at a time, thank you!

This wedding was, if I do say so myself, the best wedding I've ever been to. And it wasn't just because I was maid-of-honor, though that really did add to the overall awesomeness of the wedding. (I'm also available for hire even if I don't know you. I smell a movie plot!)

Leading up to the wedding, Kelsey and I had many a discussion about how dad might do. How long he'd last, if he'd get overwhelmed by the noises and people and general atmosphere. We planned on doing the father/daughter dance early in the evening and had our Aunt on stand-by to take him home when he seemed like he'd had enough. We also had a nurse with us from the home just in case he panicked or needed any sort of extra attention. We didn't at all expect him to be the life of the party!

Alzheimer's is a strange disease. Sometimes you forget that he's still in there and can understand a lot more than you think he can, especially in my dad's case, and that it might be a bunch of factors, in addition to the Alzheimer's, that are adding to his quiet nature. I think more than anything my dad remembers who he used to be, how smart and talented he was, and he hates that he isn't still able to communicate the way he wants to. It's hard to keep him in the present and help him to forget the embarrassment that goes along with the disease, but when you can accomplish that, let me tell you - it's amazing.

Dad knew exactly what was going on that day. The way he looked at Kelsey... it was beautiful. So much pride and joy and complete awe that this beautiful bride was his daughter. Walking down the aisle - yeesh. That was rough keeping it together. Dad was crying, I was tear-streaked (yay for pictures!) and Kelsey was just begging him to keep it together. It was pretty amazing. But there was still the reception which was 2 hours away. We had no idea how he'd respond to that.

Dad was absolutely and totally amazing. He was in the center of the dance floor dancing up a STORM! And I know it wasn't just me who felt how special that was. Often times, when I visit him in the home, he seems to be disappearing into himself. He's afraid to speak and, when he does, it's very stilted and frustrated. On that dance floor he was a different person. He was having the time of his LIFE. Even when modern, loud, bass-ey dance music would start up he just kept on dancing his little heart out. Clapping along, connecting with everyone, not a care in the world.

At one point Matt went up to him on the floor and told him how good he looked in his suit and he responded without losing a beat, "they forced me in this thing!" I came over a little later and said, "hey who's this guy dancing up a storm!? I don't even know you!" and he responded, "then get out of here!" It's the same old playful ribbing we used to engage in before he got sick. It was fabulous.

At the end of the night they had to drag him off that dance floor. He could have danced all night. He was amazing and I will never underestimate him again!!

Kelsey and Frank had a fabulous night as well, not a stitch was out of place. The whole day ran as smoothly as we could have hoped for. It was a gathering of family that have their differences, but for one night understood how important it was to recognize the love we have for each other. I don't think the night would have been nearly as special if dad hadn't been there.

Love,

Glennis

Doc Drama

My favorite genre of film, far and above any other, is a good, juicy documentary. I've also heard it said that the documentary is among the most manipulative of films and I am ripe for manipulation (when it comes to documentaries). In the past few days I've realized what an evil corporation Wal-Mart is (something I peripherally knew but not to what extent), how hard it was to star in Annie on Broadway in the 70's, how terrible some pig slaughterhouse practices are and just how much genetically altered corn is in our food. I don't care if it is manipulative - this shit makes you think!

After watching "Wal-Mart: The High Cost of Low Prices" I vowed never to shop at Wal-Mart again. That's fairly easy since we don't have a WM in NY, but it also made me realize how important it is to go to Mom & Pop stores instead of big chains. Sorry, Poppa John's. You'll have to let some other attractive comedian stuff you in her face when she gets emotional.

And speaking of pizza... "King Corn," the documentary about how prevalent modified corn has become in our food system made me never want to eat high fructose corn syrup again. Especially since there are reports it contains mercury. What? Mercury!? But wait, what does Mercury do to our bodies? HOLY SHIT. No thank you! Did you know that corn-fed cattle is being poisoned by eating a steady diet of nothing but genetically-altered corn? And then we're eating that meat? Not any more, brother. Not if I can help it - and I can. (This also reminds me to mention the part of the movie where they have genetically-altered corn so that the new pesticide they've created to kill the weeds in the crops doesn't affect the corn. The weeds? Hemp. Guess what guys - we can use hemp for a lot of things that don't include smoking it. You're killing the wrong plants!)

This reminds me of another documentary I watched about a bunch of people living in the mountains of America who sit around feeding their kids Mountain Dew. Ironic. And terrible. Poor dumb little mountain folk rotting their teeth and brains with soda full of sugars and mercury. Mmmm. Mercury. No more soda for this girl!

Then I took in the amazing doc, "Life After Tomorrow" which pretty much just confirmed what I already knew - my future children will never be child stars. Nope. No thanks. The doc interviewed a bunch of the kids who starred in the touring company and Broadway production of Annie in the 70s. They had fame, and I'm talking eating-dinner-with-Muhamed-Ali-singing-for-the-President fame. And 20 years later what are they left with? One big chip on their shoulders. Sad but also amazing and totally re-watchable.

I tried to watch a documentary on the cruelty toward pigs before they are slaughtered and I couldn't even get through 13 minutes. I believe it was called "Death on a Factory Farm" so I really shouldn't have been surprised. I still shudder when I think about the things I saw in those 13 minutes. Poor little piglet! No more bacon for this girl!

The list of things I can eat is slowly shrinking and I think that's probably the best thing I've done in years. I was a fast food, diet soda, candy junkie. So my new diet is called "Eat With Your Brain Not Your Stomach, McMurray!" I'm sure it will change a few things including my skin and my body - so far I feel good and it's only been a day. Boom!

So I guess the next documentary I need to watch should answer the question my boyfriend brings up a lot. If the flouride in our drinking water is for our teeth then why are we swallowing it? I need to research this a little more but if anyone has seen a doc which deals with this let me know.

Oh and I'll just add one caveat to the aforementioned diet - the one thing I will not be giving up is coffee. And that's that. Athankyew.

Have a great day!!

xoxo

Glennis