What a Dump

There's a constant struggle at work and it's all goin down in brown town. i.e. The Bathroom.

I like to call it the Poop Battle.

It happens, we've all had to do it, and sometimes it's easy. But sometimes it ain't. And I'm not talkin "too much oatmeal," either. There are people who either take crazy dumps at work or make it hard for you to take one and I've given them all names.

"The Waiter"
This is the woman who wants to poop in solitude so she sits silently in the stall until everyone has left. I often become this woman and when faced with another "waiter" find myself in a TRUE poop battle. Who can wait the longest! I usually lose when my legs start to go numb and it becomes creepy that there are two grown women sitting on toilets at thier place of business waiting to take a dump. So I get up and leave, going upstairs to another bathroom to, hopefully, poop alone.

"Noisy Nelly"
Noisy Neillies are usually of the older variety. No shame, no worries, whatevs, poop it up. They head in the bathroom and no matter who is in there, and who they have to face after they come out of the stall, they take a crap and let it fly. And it's LOUD. Squirting, tooting, squeaking, dumping, plopping, STRAINING, GRUNTING. It's a regular symphony! I sincerelly hope I never become a Noisy Nelly but I have a sneaking suspission I will.

"Flushing Queens"
These are the people who just can't wait to poop alone and so, to avoid becoming a "Noisy Nelly" procede to flush every time they let one loose. It's not fooling anyone, but I don't think they care.

"Butt Juice"
I'm pretty sure there are people who have such juicy poop that it sounds like they are peeing. That is pretty disgusting but, come on, we're being frank today. We're being FRANK!!

"Hummer Magee"
Hummer Magee's find so much pleasure in dropping one off at work they whistle or hum throughout. One woman in my office hums "Everything's Coming Up Roses" every time she poohs. I think it's really funny because if she were pooping into the dirt everything WOULD be coming up roses!!

"Stankerton"
Stankertons have the stinkiest poops ever. That's it. They just stiiiiiink. Oh and sometimes Stankertons light matches which is nice but almost makes it that much funnier. Why is pooping so funny, people!

"Deer John"
Deer Johns are people who have rapid gun-fire poops that sound like they are pooping deer pellets. This, I also find really funny.

Ok, I think that's it. I'm sure you all have more, so feel free to post them!

Glennis

I'm a Winner!

Saturday I ran my first race, along with Spo and Hammy. We ran the Circle of Friends Mini 10k (6.2 miles) beginning in Central park on 59th Street and ending in Central Park right at Tavern on the Green. There were lots of hills but I used my "tiki tiki run" method that they taught us in training and it wasn't so hard! The race as a whole was not too bad. I kept the same pace for the whole thing (after getting a really slow start because of all the ladies in my way) But, at the end, knowing I had 1 mile left to go, I busted out and ran hard. My final time was 1hr 1min and 37secs (which I like to say is actually under an hour because, like I said, I got a slow start). I came in 1,110th place (which is one place BEHIND what I was yesterday when I checked online so I guess someone paid them to move them up one place? Whatever, I'm cool with 1110th. Nice and even number. And I don't CHEAT!) and I ran a 9:36 mile. That's me with my medal after the race. (My 1,110th place medal!)

(Taken after I devoured a plate of french toast and bacon with not a twinge of guilt.)

This is the woman who came in 1st place. She ran 6.2 miles in 31 minutes and 27 seconds.


She's a professional runner. She won $10,000 for this race. Professional runner! What a job! She's a little my hero.

Also, I want to leave you with an image that will, hopefully, be burned into your eyes for all time. So much so that you'll never be able to look at me the same way again.

Ladies and Germs, I give you:

SEPARATED AT BIRTH (a.k.a. The Worst Picture Ever Taken)


(that's Tow Mater from the new Pixar movie "Cars")

(ON THE RIGHT, YOU JERK)

Glennis' Anatomy, episode #4

Glennis' Anatomy
Episode 4
"The Other Team?"

Exterior shot: Glennis' office building. Snappy doodle mouth harp clap hands theme music.



Interior shot, lunch room.

Female Attorneys
(In Unison)
Jake, we hear Glennis is a lesbian. We await your response in writing.


Super Nice, Kinda Hip Male Co-Worker
What? No... no I don't think so. I think she has a boyfriend.


Take Us Seriously Female Attorneys
(Monotone, In Unison, making hand quotes)
"Boyfriend?"


Nice Co-Worker
No. Not "BOYFRIEND." Boyfriend. For real.


Douchey Douche F-Attorneys
Allegedly.


Thumbs Up Co-Worker
No. She has a picture of him on her desk.


F-Attorneys
Allegedly.


Co-Worker
Stop it.


F-Attorneys
Stop it, ALLEGEDL...


Co-Worker
I quit.


Cut to: Glennis' desk.

Glennis looks happy. She's furiously IMing jokes to her friend J.



Glennis (on IM)
Hey J... what did the mayo say to the Fridge?

J (on IM)
What?

Glennis (on IM)
Close the door! I'm dressing!

J (on IM)
You are retarded.

Glennis (on IM)
Yeah I am! Anyway...

Suddenly, a screeching howl comes from inside Glennis' boss' office.

Awesome Boss
GLENNNIIS!! Come in heeeeere!!


Glennis (on IM)
BRB. LOL. ROTFL. WTF. OMG.

Glennis jumps up from her desk and walks into her boss' office.

J (on IM)
PLMA. (Please, leave me alone.)
(Glennis does not see this)

Glennis
(chipper)
What's up boss-pants??

Super Awesome Greatest Boss Ever
Glennis! It has come to my attention that you bat for the other team.
(slurp, chew, eat)


Glennis
IIIIII. I what now?

Boss of the Year
Don't worry! I'm not gonna fire you! I'm cool. I'm hip. I'm with it. I just want to know because my daughter is a "Betty Both-Ways" and I just think you're TOPS, Glennis. Really TOPS. I wouldn't mind seeing you two together. Have some gay kids. Live in San Francisco. The whole nine yards.


Glennis
Well sir... I'm sure your daughter is NICE but I'm not...

Brainiac Boss
Listen, don't try to tell me you're not a Muff Diver! I found your blog; I'm A Raging Lesbian dot Blogspot dot com?? And you live on Christopher Street. And your website with your "woman friend" LIZ, which I can only assume is short for LESBO. And let's not even start with the way you dress.


Glennis
The way I dress? What's wrong with the way I dress?

Boss
Glennis... Rosie O'Donnell called, she wants her wardrobe back. HIGH FIVE!


Cut to the Super Serious Female Attorneys giving him a high five.


Glennis
Whoa! Where did they come from? Wait... no wait! Sir... I am not a...

Boss
Awww... that's too bad. Well no bother. Like I said, I'm cool. I'm down. I'm with it. No problem at all. (beat) Boy, you sure don't do much work around here, do you? I bet your job is completely expendable! I'm gonna have to look into that.


Glennis
Against! What I meant to say was I'm not AGAINST meeting your daughter! Woo! Lesbo! Let's do this thing!

Boss
That's what I like to hear! High Five!


Cut to: The three female attorneys appearing from out of nowhere.

Creepy Female Attorneys
High five in regard to your high five, Sir. Cc: Glennis


Glennis
Jesus! How do they do that!

Cut to: Exterior shot of Restaurant. The location of THE DATE.


Cut to: Glennis standing outside nervously waiting for the Boss' daughter to show up.

Cut to: A nice young woman walking toward Glennis, smiling.


Glennis
(interior monologue)
That must be her. She's not bad, I could see myself dating... wait! What am I saying. I'm NOT a lesbian. She looks REASONABLE. Yes. REASONABLE. I'll just explain the whole thing and we'll both have a good laugh. Yeah that's the ticke...

Cut to: The Boss' Daughter

Boss' Daughter
Yooooo hooooo!!! Glennnisssss!!!! Hehehe! HERE I YAM!!!


THE END

Next time on Glennis' Anatomy: The Date.

Warm music, Cold apartment

I used to be engaged to be married.

I was 19, had just moved to NY, was totally and completely broke, met a nice guy, needed to be saved... blah blah blah. Girls hear this: never EVER need anyone to save you but yourself! Or Superman. But only the REAL Superman. No imposters! Or.. ok... Spiderman would be ok too. Pretty much any super hero would be ok to be saved by. BUT ONLY if you are about to fall off a building as it collapses or are about to be cut in half by a man with 8 metal tentacles. ONLY THEN OK?

Wait, I'm getting off track.

Where was I. Oh... I was engaged. And I realized it was a TERRIBLE idea (he was nice and all, but not for me and I was waaaay too young). So I broke it off and moved out of our pretty Brooklyn brownstone. We lived on the top floor above an Italian family that scared the shit out of me. The dad would get pissed at his kids and scream, "Don't you go to sleep tonight! I swear to god, you better sleep with one eye open because I WILL KILL YOU!" I'll tell you I don't know if those kids went to sleep, but I sure did. Slept like a baby. No, no... I was being sarcastic! I didn't sleep at all!

Ahem. Moving on.

I moved out of our pretty brownstone (death house) and stayed in my friend Kirby's house in... well I guess it was kind of a closet. It was small but I was so thankful to have it. And eventually I found my own place. It was a room in an apartment in Tribeca for $1,000/month (way more than I could afford but I was there to prove my independence and that meant going deep in to debt! yay!!) with a tap dancing, pot smoking, Rockette roommate. We'll call her Amy. Because that was her name. The place was awesome because a) it was in the city, b) it was like a cave... no windows except a small one at the end of my room that got almost no light so you could sleep (off a hangover) like nobody's business, and c) we could have great parties there. It was pretty perfect for a girl who never went to college and wanted that "let's do it up!" kind of experience.

And then winter came along. And it was NOT GREAT. The apartment, I came to find, was owned by the Mafia (truth) so therefore when the heat broke and started to spew black SOOT out on all of our belongings (belongings being: clothing, beds, lungs... that sort of stuff), we had no choice but to turn it off and freeze to death. Winter is cold you guys. It's cold outside and it's cold inside a concrete apartment with no windows. I got a small space heater, but I pretty much spent the entire winter freezing.

The only thing that kept me warm and happy (did I mention I also didn't have cable?) was listening to music. The music I remember listening to at that time was Wilco's "Yankee Hotel Foxtrot," Radiohead’s, "Hail to the Thief" and Norah Jones', "Come Away with Me." I might say I Freedied those three albums so much it almost needed a new term.

So say what you will about Norah Jones (Snorah Jones, I've heard) but I absolutely love her voice, love her music, think she's super super talented and love the fact that despite all her success she's pretty much rejected Hollywood and the glitz and glam. I don't think she expected to win 8 Grammies for her album making her NORAH JONES... not just plain old Norah Jones.

Well last night I met and hung out with plain old Norah Jones. My boyfriend and I went to see her play with a new band called Madmo at the Delancey. The band is NOTHING at all like what she's ever done. They wear black eye masks, wigs, the songs ROCK, there's little sweet Norah Jones up there rocking it out with an audience of 20 loving every minute of it. Her band-mate Daru (who sang backup for her albums and has her own music and is really talented) is in the band with her and they have a drummer too... who I am now forgetting his name. But anyway, they ROCK. And I can't find their music anywhere online to show you, so you'll have to just trust me on this.

And... where was I going with this story. I know it was another one of those awesome Paul Newman moments. I DON'T think it was so you guys would think I was totes cool. You already do, right? ;) winky face

I guess it was just one of those moments where someone I really admired and respected turned out to be even more down to Earth than I thought they could be, more talented, and a really nice person. It was pretty swell. Can I say swell? Swell.

So then we partied all night long and Norah held my hair back as I puked on Delancey Street.

Sigh. Unfortch... that was a lie you guys.

I turned into an old lady and went home for sleep and let the cool kids stay out drinking and whooping it up.

Sometimes I'm so responsible I want to die.

Just by Chance

Sometimes, you have days like yesterday. So tired, so overwhelmed, just about ready to walk out in the middle of the day. I was not feelin good.

I had gotten tickets to go see the new Pixar movie Cars a few days ago from my friend Brad. The tickets were $40 each but the money went to The Hole in the Wall Kids foundation that Paul Newman founded. And the rumor was that Paul Newman himself was going to be there. I'm not sure if you realize this, but I was going to mary Paul Newman in middle school. I saw Cool Hand Luke and my heart stopped beating. The most beautiful, talented, amazing man in the world. Where could I find this man!? Then I realized he was no longer that hot young, SMOULDERING youth. But still, to this day, Paul Newman pretty much holds that flame. That hollywood crush, won't ever happen, keep on dreaming flame. Siiiigh.

Anyway, the screening was last night and as much as I love Paul, I was so not in the mood to go. I almost called Marcy to cancel, but decided an animated flick, and seeing Miss Girt, would make me feel better. So I went. It took me forever to get up to the Lincoln Square theatre and I was like "of COURSE getting up here could not be easy! Why would it be easy! IT'S JUST ONE OF THOSE DAYS." So I'm 20 minutes late meeting her, sweating, tired. But whatever, we're going to see a movie, it'll be fine.

We get our tickets and head upstairs to the theatre. The seats are assigned and ours are Lower Level S101 and S102. We show them to the "VoluntEAR" (Disney... Mickey... you see?) who says "oh... these are you seats. hmmm sorry." We look and it's the very last row and it's a single seat (for someone with, say, a wheelchair) and then about 5 feet of space before the actual row of seats starts. Great. Marcy took the loner seat (that we eventually dubbed "the living room recliner") and I sat in the other that was actually attached to a row. Poor Marcy. Poor us! We had to literally shout in order to speak.

So instead of speaking, we start making faces at each other. And pretending we're in boats, racing each other. And race cars. Oh and sign language, of course. And, yeah... we're pretty much 4 years old.

All of the sudden this woman stands right in front of my seat to talk to the people sitting next to me. And I'm talking just STANDS there. For like 5 minutes she's making it so I can't move and pretty much has her boobs in my face. I keep looking at Marcy and making "who the hell does this lady think she is??" faces and Marcy isn't responding like she was before. She keeps smiling at me and then looking away as if we were in school and the principal was standing behind me as I cursed him out. I looked up, the lady was no one I recognized and she was surely not noticing my eye rolls. So I kept trying to get Marcy's attention. I was like "Hey! Marcy! Check out my FACE! I'm pretending to be exasperated cuz this lady is taking up all my room! Marcy! Marcy! Hey!" No response!!

So the lady moves.

And I look next to me.

PAUL NEWMAN AND JOANNE WOODWARD ARE SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO ME.

I immediately freeze up and look straight ahead.

"omg omg omg. omg. holy crap. Paul Newman. He's 2 inches away from me. Oh my god. What do I do?? Oh man he's so amazing. Be cool, Glennis. Be cool."

I look over at Marcy and make "OH MY GOD DO YOU SEE WHO IS SITTING NEXT TO ME" eyes. She smiles and looks away and this time I UNDERSTAND. So I sit there. Trying to be cool. Trying to pretend like I didn't just realize an acting icon and his amazingly talented wife are sharing airspace with me.

A man comes over to talk to Paul and Joanne. He asks Paul how he liked the movie when he saw it before tonight and said, "oh it was great. It's a really nice movie. Have you seen the movie?"

I'm just sitting there going, "omg omg omg it's Paul Newman. omg... wait. did he just say that to me?"

I look over. "huh?"

"Have you seen the movie yet?"

(HE IS MERE INCHES FROM MY FACE!!!)

"What movie?" (GLENNIS NO! WHY DID YOU SAY THAT!?! WHAT MOVIE DO YOU think HE IS TALKING ABOUT!?!)

"This movie, Cars. Have you seen it yet?"

"Oh! This one! No! No, but I sure do love Pixar!"

"Oh you're in for a treat."

you GUYS!!!

I don't think I have to tell you that it was probably the single greatest moment of my life to date. Paul Newman. Oh Paul I adore you. Thank you so much for being kind and normal and talking to me... holy macaroly.

So sometimes you have days like yesterday. And then sometimes you sit next to Paul Newman in a movie theatre.

Heavy Hearted

I've tried writing this post like 20 times. Deleting, reconsidering, deleting, regretting the deleting. I just don't know why on earth I want to write about it in a blog aimed at... well NOT heavy hearted issues (aside from the occassional Oprah cry and homeless story). But something keeps wanting me to write about it so I'm gonna.

First of all, there's just so much that goes along with someone in your family being sick. It's my dad, he has Alzheimers. He's only like 60 years old you guys. So yes, lots of people deal with that and much worse but right now this is it for me and it's... it's kind of making me crazy. (You should see my fingernails... nubs.)

I love my dad. I love him like a daughter loves a father. But on that note, he was not a very good dad. He was nice, he never raised a hand to us, but he wasn't there a lot. So there's that.

And now he's sick. And he refuses to get help. And he's being mean to his sister who is being and angel, offering to build him his own apartment if he'll only STAY in North Carolina with her and my uncle. Just so they can take care of him. So he doesn't go in a home.

So here are the things that run through my head about 24 hours a day (and more so on days where everyone calls me to "DO SOMETHING" which is almost every day).

I'm only fucking 27. What am I supposed to do!
I am a terrible daughter. A GOOD daughter would give up their life and move to Durango and take care of their father. Who cares if he wasn't there. He is my father.
I am raising money for Leukemia and Lymphoma and NOT Alzheimers. I am a terrible person.
Please stop calling me. Please. I don't know what to do. I don't care any more! I DON'T CARE!!!
I can't talk to dad. It's to sad. I can't hear him struggle to remember someone's name or get lost 1/2 way through a thought.
He's so small. He's so weak. He needs my help. I love you dad. I want to help you.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL TO DO.

My mom and dad are divorced but remain really close. Even when she remarried, they're all great friends. But my mom has a new life. She can't be relied on to take care of my dad. It's not fair. And she's moving to New Mexico.

All my dad wants more than anything in the world is to ignore that he's sick and move back to Durango. How do I make him realize he can't do that. My aunt is doing what she can.

And now they want me to go to North Carolina to be with him during his doc's appt at the VA clinic.

So I'm a terrible daughter if I don't go.

Jesus. Why am I writing this all in a blog! This is stupid. Maybe I'll delete this or maybe I'll just...

11 Things

I don't have ONE thing to talk about today so I'll talk about 11 things.

First of all, I don't know if you have the same problem as I do with white shirts, you wear them a few times and they turn yellow around the pits. Well I think I might possibly be the only person who didn't know this, but just in case I'll tell you too: It's caused by the aluminum in anti-persperants. So I got Adidas non-aluminum stuff because it was recommended to me by Robyn and it's working pretty well! I'll keep you updated on the smell/discoloration.

Second, this cool site was forwarded to me by my marathon mentor, Wanda. You can track how far you run by clicking "start recording" and then double clicking on your start point, and tracking your route (make sure you double click on all the turns you'd make cuz it makes it more accurate). That's all I've been doing since she sent it to me.

Third, did you know that sharks have the same biting power as humans? The only reason they cause more damage is 1) they have pointy teeth 2) they have lots of rows of teeth and 3) they power their bites with massive speed. So they can rip off your arm or leg if they're swimming in to get you. But if they're right next to you and just "hmm hmm hmmm hmm... BITE!" it's not going to be as bad. You see?

Fourth, No word from Ellen yet. Grrrrr.

Fifth, I really love the new Dixie Chicks album. I don't care what people say, I know it's lame or whatever to like them, but I think they're talented and also if you don't know by now that the banjo is my most favoritest sound ever then you don't know me very well, do you.

Sixth, I met Hurly from LOST! Dude, it was awesome. I think I freaked him out. I lurv that show.

Seventh, I have no opinion on Taylor being the next AI. Whatever.

Eighth, I am wearing the Steve Madden shoes I got for the wedding today and they look gold again! Oh good game, shoes. Good GAME.

Ninth, I love this old song by Shirley Ellis (I think that's her name) called The Clapping Song and today I heard it on DJ AM (Adam Goldstein a.k.a Nicole Richie's fiance)'s radio mix on AOL internet radio. It made me jump up and down!! Not only to hear it but to know that someone else, a real live DJ no less, likes the song too.

Tenth, tonight marks the opening night of Dance Dance Party Party at Curves on 53rd Street. I am feeling a bit better so I will indeed dance tonight (and it's only 45 minutes). Very fun!!

Eleventh, we got our running schedule for June. It's kind of scary but really just a bunch of short runs. Almost daily except Fridays. I hope I feel 100% soon so I can keep up!! If not, I'm sure Spo and Hammy will get me movin'.

That's all! Have a great day!!

Love,
Glennis

Massage in a Bottle

Saturday was a non-stop go go go day.

Friday night I helped the awesome and talented Hammerkatz out with a few sketches during Liquid Courage at UCB (basically just a time to put up sketches to see audience reaction, work out kinks, etc.) LC doesn't START until 12:15am so I knew it'd be a late night, but I also knew if I don't drink I'm ok with about 4 hours of sleep on a long day ahead. So I got to bed at around 2:30 am knowing full well I had to get up and run the next morning.

So my alarm goes off at 7:30 and I'm BEAT. I think, "no way...no way can I get up and run HOWEVER many miles I have to run today." But I can't let my team down. And by my team I mean all the amazing people who have donated money, lent their vocal support, run with me, our honor teammates. I can't let them down. So I got up. I drug myself out of bed. I did it for you! Well, for me too : )

I got up to Central Park on time and was ready to run 4 miles with the beginner group. Then... "You're running intermediate today, right?" Spo said. Yikes. Intermediate was 6 miles (5.7 to be exact). More than I'd ever run before without stopping. But I was feeling good. I knew I could do it. And Spo did too. And Hammy joined in, then my Mentor Wanda, everyone knew I could do it, why didn't I? So I said, "hell yeah, let's do this!" And I did!! I ran 5.7 (let's call it 6) without stopping. The first 4 miles were pretty easy. The last .7 miles were HARD. I got pretty tired. But hey, I'd had about 4 hours of sleep. And I did it!! Go team!!

So after the run, and the stretch, I went home and passed out. Then came the fun. I met up with Robyn for a late lunch at Josie's (which is amazing... 37th street and 3rd Ave. All healthy food. So good) then some shopping, then massages!! I had a GC from my boss so I took Robyn as a thank you for all her help with the Ellen video. We were really early at the spa so we lounged around for a while. Then the massages. I told the lady I was running and that I'd love for her to focus on my legs. She was ROUGH but it felt good cuz I was sore. But half way through the massage, I'm laying there and my throat starts to close up. It got really hard to swallow and I thought it might have been because of the A/C or something. I felt woozy after the massage but I always do. So I thought nothing of it.

After the massages we went down to visit Shelly where she works (another amazing eatery. The Orchard) and I was feeling pretty good. But boy was I sorry the next day. I woke up Sunday morning feeling like I'd been hit by a bus. I was completely out of energy, could barely swallow, headache, body, muscle, joints aching. It was bad. I guess my body was trying to tell me it was time to relax and stop GOING all the time. (Massage in a Bottle. Get it?)

So I did. I even skipped DDPP (I never miss it. NEVER!) so I could sleep, and I did. I slept for about 5 hours then woke up, ate some food and slept for about 15 more. It was sorely needed.

I'm feeling better today. Not 100% but better.

Oh... AND CAN WE PLEASE GET EXCITED THAT I RAN (almost) 6 MILES! YAY!!

Ok, have a great day!!

Banana Phone!!

You must watch this! I feel like this song was WRITTEN FOR ME!!

Banana Phone!

I found it on cuteoverload.com and I can't stop listening to it. SO CATCHY AND FUN!! I think this should even possibly be my theme song. Or the opening song for "Glennis' Anatomy."

Man, I'm glad I found that song because lately I've been so tired and RRR (Red River Ramapage) is coming on (thanks to my sweetie for that lovely nickname for my woman time) and I've been extra weepy. What's made me get all teared up in the past couple days?

1. Running in a group of people all fighting the same cause.
2. Listening to "Hail to the Thief" cuz it reminds me of my man who is out of town.
3. Seeing an old woman with a cart trying to get down the subway steps. When I offer to help she says, "I'm fine darling!" and I think, "She's so independant! Weeeeeep."
4. Generosity! In one day I raised $1,425 for Leukemia & Lymphoma research. People you are amazing!!
5. My sister moving out. I'm avoiding it. It makes me too sad to think about.

That's it, I think. Like I said, the combo is not good. Some people get bitchy, some people get hungry. I get weepy.

It's happening again! I gotta go listen to Banana Phone again!! I wish that were my ringer. Sigh.

Thank you everyone for your donations!!!!!

Love,

Glennis

Deduct Tape

People, have I lost my ever loving mind!? I mean, really. First I sign up for a 1/2 marathon, then I do a few training sessions, then my friends Spo and Hammy move up to the FULL marathon and I'm all inspired and I really am a pretty good runner (just ask Erin & Sarah who I ran with last night. you don't know them? sorry. I guess you'll just have to take my word for what a GOOD RUNNER I AM.) so I decide that:

IF I RAISE $5,000 IN MY FUNDRAISING EFFORTS, I TOO SHALL RUN THE FULL 26.2 MILES!!

It can be done! Did you know, according to my friend Melissa, that only 1% of the population completes marathons? Is that for lack of trying or for lack of energy. Am I going to fall down half way through with crap in my pants? (I seriously do not want to crap my pants. IT'S NOT THAT WORTH IT TO ME. I'll still run and raise money but the minute I feel crap about to exit my buns while I'm out in public, all bets are off.)

So, would you like to help me raise this $$? COOL! Go here and you can donate securely using your credit card.

AND REMEMBER: all donations are completely tax deductible!! Yay!!

As of 1:53pm, Wednesday, May 24th I have raised $650!! Incredible!!

But listen, I know not everyone has money to spare. Trust me, I know. Don't feel like if I don't get a donation I'm going to be like, "screw that dude!!" I honestly just want people to donate if they have a little to spare. OK : )

Speaking of tax deductible. I think food/calories should be deductible as well. There'd have to be some sort of system and a magic being of sorts... but it'd be great... just keep track of the meals you want deducted from your gross total body weight at the end of the year. Just a thought.

Extremely Intimate

I had a day for running errands the other day. I felt so suburban. I planned, mapped, coordinated, ran, booked, high-fived my way around NY.

My first stop was the cleaners to pick up my freshly cleaned & altered dress for the wedding I was attending that night. The dress was ready, beautiful, sparkling. The sewing was a bit wonky because they used blue thread on pink fabric, but honestly who notices that stuff? (Only if I were Bree Van De Kamp, would I have thrown a fit about such minute details.) Brush it off, move on.

My next stop was the Upper East Side to pick up new running shoes for the marathon. Went, saw, and conquered. This errand stuff is EASY! (I got two pair, one for shorter runs, and one for long distance... 13.1 miles anyone? They told me I run with my ankles rolling in a bit, duh, and that I was wearing the wrong size shoe. Not duh at all. I am pissed that I went to an athletic store to buy shoes recently and they didn't say anything about that. I should take them back... but no. I will just breath deeply and eat the cost. Especially considering I've worn them a lot and they're dirty.)

So I have my shoes, my dress, it's pretty nice out... why not walk down a bit to catch the train on 86th. As I'm walking, I pass by Intimacy. That bra place you always see those terrible ads for on tv (in NY at least). "Jane you look different!" "Thanks! I got new boobie holders from Intimates!" So I'm thinking, well maybe it's a start up company, cheap ads, whatever. It's worth a try! So I go in the store and the woman takes me into a dressing room. I'm standing there, waiting for her to measure, cup, feel... something. Feel? Yeah I guess that's not exactly what I was expecting. But measuring at least! But no, she comes in with some bras and says "ok let's try these." And I have to strip in front of her, not my favorite activity, and try them on. I'm not bra expert, but honestly... the bras were SO TIGHT I couldn't imagine wearing them for more than a few seconds. Not to mention the fact that I'm not 14, I have fat on my body, and when you put something on that's 3 times to small... well there's gonna be overflow. It just looked disgusting and terrible. But I'm not one to speak my mind in these situations so I was all, "oh yes, you're right. this looks great. uh huh. ok... ummm can you just hold these $100 bras that fit GREAT and I'll be back in... an hour? ok yeah thanks." And I never went back. I have no spine. Poor lady thought she was getting a commission off $300 worth of bras! I'm so mean.

So anyway, don't go there.

My last stop of the day was Macys to get some shoes for the wedding. I found this super cute pair of gold, strappy Steve Maddens, bought them, wore them to the wedding, woke up the next day to realize.... they're silver. What the hell!!? Do I not know how to tell the difference between gold and silver? Do I have color blindness? I am perplexed. Now people think I'm totes fashion challenged. Thank god my awesome dress from Robyn (Ralph Lauren!!) stole the show.

In other Glennis news. The sad day has come. My sister is moving out! :( sad faces times a million. But happy faces times a gazillion cuz she's moving in with her man. And I love her man. Not in that way. I don't wanna be on Oprah, y'all! Har har... um. So anyway, taking over Kelsey's role as the roommate will be Shelly Stover! Yes, that's right! I think she'll fill the role nicely.

Oh speaking of Shelly, Robyn and I took her to BB Kings for their Gospel brunch on Sunday. I mean, talk about good times. The food is AMAZING, the singing awesome, the whole atmosphere is just so great. No wonder it's sold out weekly! Even if you're not a religious person (like me) it's still great. Gospel music just makes ya happy. It can't help it! Like puppies!


AWWWWWWWWWW!!!!

NO WORD FROM ELLEN YET. But the good news is that my package was not returned to me so I'm pretty confident it made it there. Come on guys.... please give a girl a chance.

Byeeeee!!! :)

Glennis' Anatomy, Episode #3

Glennis' Anatomy
Episode #3
Shoes Fest

Interior: Glennis' bedroom as she's getting ready for work.

Glennis
Hmmm... what to wear... what. to. wear. Soooo maaaannnyyy optiooons.


Cut to Glennis' closet



Glennis
Hmmm... (Gasp)I KNOW! I'll wear my NEW SHOES!!

Camera pans across Glennis' room and stops on the most beautiful shoes in the whole wide world.



Glennis
(Streisand Voice)
Hello goh-gious... siiiiigh


Cut to: Glennis tenderly slipping her foot into her brand new, very expensive, shoes.

Glennis plops her headphones on her head and heads out the door. By this time she has also chosen a skirt and top. She is fully clothed.

Cut to: Exterior shot, Glennis bops down the street.

Cut to: Drag Queen

Drag Queen
Mmmm MM.

No.

Chiiiiiiild.

Oh Gurl.

You are not wearing those shoes.

Mmmmmmm.


Glennis
Oh you like them! Me too! Thanks!


Drag Queen
Guuuuurl.

Mmmm mmm.

Oh.

THOSE ARE SOOOO LAST SEASON.


Glennis
Huh!? Get outa here. I just got them!


Drag Queen
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm k

But liiiiisten.

Fo reals mkay?


Glennis
(sarcastic)
Mmmmkay there now Mister Sister.


Drag Queen
Gurrrrrl. I will cut you.


Glennis rolls her eyes and looks down at her shoes.

Glennis
baby talk
You ah not last season wittle shoezie woozies! No you aren't! Nooo! Yooou! Aren't!


Glennis begins to once again bop down the street.

Cut to: Two drag queens standing outside a Starbucks

Purple Madness Drag Queens
Ooooh! We like your shoes!


Glennis
(To herself)
See! I knew these were great shoes!
(To the Purple Drags. Waving.)
Thank you!
(giggles)


Purple Madness
Not YOU! That girl behind you. Heeee-ey! We love your shoes!!


Glennis
(To God)
Oh COME ON!


Glennis turns to walk away and gets splashed by a passing bus.

Glennis
OK. I get it. THE SHOES SUCK!

Cut to: Homeless man on the street.

Homeless Man
Yooo hooo!!! I like your shoes!! (wink)

Glennis
(jumps)
YIPES!


Cut to: the back of Glennis as she quickly runs away.

THE END

We Are The Video Star

The Video for the Ellen DJ job is DONE!!

Check it out and let me know what you think (only positive feedback please, you might give me an ulcer pointing out unimportant minutia that is too late to fix. Seriously, this is the final draft. I can not change anything. Crap, why am I even showing this to you?)

Wait, no... I love it! You'll love it! Watch it!! It's insane.

Love,

Glennis

I LOVE ME?

I got a facial today. And while getting the facial, while laying on the cozy table covered in blankets, soft music playing, awesome scents wafting about... All I could think was "I feel so guilty for doing this. I should be doing something else." But what... what else should I be doing? I took an hour and a half out of my day to meet up with my friend Violet, relax, and take care of myself. Is that terrible?

The other day Oprah had a show about why women hate themselves, and how many women DO hate themselves. And it was SO DANG SAD to watch! It was like, "oh my god, 80% of women are like this. And I think I'm one of them! Good lord, that is depressing." She talked about how anorexia, bulemia, over-eating, smoking, doing drunks, drinking too much, not taking care of ourselves in general is all, in part, about not have enough respect for ourselves. I wonder if biting nails and picking scabs falls in there? I hate to believe something whole heartedly but I sort of believe this.

I don't know. I know everything is fine in moderation (except heroin...please don't do this stuff even in moderation. Thank you.) but I feel like there's some truth to that thought.

So on that note, I thought about that, directly after my "i shouldn't be doing this" thought and made myself relax. And the rest of the facial was awesome. But it still makes me sad that women are raised with such little respect for themselves.

Oh and I'm gonna be outside my house today giving hugs to ladies. I'm not sure how well that will be received. But I do love a good hug and I do LOVE MYSELF. The more I say that, the more it's true.

Oh and therapy. Therapy is amazing. Basically I just can't imagine having kids and being responsible for passing on craziness to them... but I really want to have kids so I'm trying to round myself out and make myself a better person. It's gonna take a while but I think it's worth it.

Also, this Oprah was on the tails of another one I watched about little girls (like... LITTLE girls... 3-5 yrs old) who either thought they were too fat (TOO FAT!?), or would freak out without makeup on, or just plain thought they were ugly. And where did they learn this? From watching their mothers. GOD. So much responsibility!

So, in short, do something to show yourself you love you. You will be happier : )

-----Ellen Update----
The video is almost done! It looks SO awesome! I took great pictures with Miss Shelly Stover the other day that added another extra OOMPH to the video. I'll post it as soon as it's done!

----Running Journal----
Our first day of training was Saturday and I ran 3.4 miles without stopping which is pretty good for me! I kept the same pace the whole time, regulated my breathing and tried to focus on my form. Of course, the entire day after that, my legs were KILLING me. So tired!

Already, just from that one day, I felt a bond with these people. Shannon O'Neill and Amber Moelter (also running with me, as well as Jen Hammaker and Rachel Werbel who could not be there Saturday) ran the whole thing as well and when I saw them I was like "yes! you are so awesome! Yay! WE are awesome!!" Strong bonds are going to grow from this.

It's not too late to sign up! Please, if you want to get in great shape, and do it for a GREAT cause, email me. glennisthemenace at gmail dot com.

Have a great day my darlings.

Glennis

The Shocka!

Wow, who watched American Idol last night? I can't believe Chris was booted! The poor dood looked like he had been hit by a truck. So did Katherine. She was all "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!?!"



That's not true, by the way. I love you, Chris, but some people have already forgotten you. Come on, can anyone WITHOUT LOOKING IT UP, tell me the first person voted out of the top 12? I can't! (but then again I have a grampy mind and forget a lot of stuff)

Also, what the hell is Chris worried about? He'll make an album, no problem. Granted, it will sound like Creed (BARFFFFF) but he'll make it and all those teen girls out there will love it. And Chris, I still think you're awesome man. I just hate Creed so much (Sorry, Brianna... I know you LOVE CREED. Esp. when you're making out on the couch. Have I said too much??)

Oh one last thing... I know Katherine's performance on Tuesday was CHEESE city but I kinda loved it. Know what I didn't love? The Elvis medly they did last night. It made my eyes leak out of my head. It was so bad!! They did THAT after criticizing Katherine's thing? Gimme a break. (ok I realize Simon was the one to criticize her and he probably has no power to pick what they sing... I know, I know)

That's all. Gle-crest, Out!

----Running Diary----

I did not run. But I DID officially sign up for the run in October. October 22nd to be exact. I also got my friends Jen and Shannon to sign up. That is really exciting!! We're going to be doing a lot of fundraising so expect to hear about something.

Ellen, can you hear me?

Dang it you guys. How come I've never wanted anything so badly in my whole life?? I really, really, really... REALLY, want to be Ellen's new DJ. I mean, come on. Music is my favorite thing ever. There's nothing more I'd rather do than sit there and listen to music, discover new stuff, dance to music, run to music, film music videos. It's a sickness and I don't want the cure! Right you guys!? I love music more than I love acting. More than I love my parents. More than I love a cure for AIDS.

Am I sounding a bit desperate?

Yeah well, aparently that's how I sounded on my first take of the Ellen video I shot. So we're reshooting and I'm adding some pictures of me DJing. But so far the choreographed dance to "Don't Stop Till You Get Enough" is done, which I think I mentioned yesterday. And it is amazing! Here's a little teaser to whet yer appetite until I can show you the whole video.


Ooooooh!!

Along with the video I have to send a CD of music I would play. HARDER TASK THAN YOU'D IMAGINE. I have to think of stuff that she'd actually play on her show, and that I can imagine her gettin down to. And also music that I love. Because I think it'd be fake to send stuff that you think she'd like if you don't actually like it. Right? Good thing Ellen and I like the same music.

So the stuff can't be overplayed (I love the new song S.O.S. by Rihanna but they played her out to that song twice this week already. I can only imagine it's because she actually doesn't have a DJ there discovering new music for her to jam to?) but also stuff that's not completely obscure people would be like "what the hell is this?"

With the help of my boyfriend we narrowed the list down from 118 songs to 91 songs to now 22. I have to narrow that down even further to about 15 songs (that's about how many will fit on a CD these days, yes?). It's NERVE WRACKING!! Taking a song off the list is like cutting off body parts. It's hard, guys. Really hard.

I'm hoping to have everything done by Monday so I can send it off to LaLa Land. Guys, I really do want this so badly.

Oh, side note, I watched her show this week and she had a new girl on the turntables and I was like "OH NO!!! SHE FOUND SOMEONE ALREADY!!" but it was just Spinderella filling in for Tony. Phew!!

I'll keep you posted!! Send me some good dancin vibes!

Glennis

Strange, but True

Hey everyone! Sorry about the no posting this past week. I had a pretty busy week with my dad in town and taking care of some stuff. But now I'm here so we can all rejoice.

OK...

A few things.

First of all, I was in a cab yesterday going up to rehearsal and as I gave the cab driver my $ he said, "you look like a planet." I kinda stopped and looked at him in the rearview mirro. "Excuse me?"

He goes, "Very beautiful. Like a planet."

Well at least it's a compliment and not him telling me my face is so fat it looks like Uranus.

So that's my new compliment from now on. "Wow, did you do something new with your hair? Cuz you are so Saturn today!"

Also, yesterday Oprah had a show about a day in the life of prostitutes which I had on, but didn't really pay much attention to, as I was trying to get my damn scanner to work.

So last night I had dreams ALL NIGHT LONG that I was a hooker. And these are not like "Oh I was having sex and he gave me money, haha isn't that a HOOT!?" This was GRAPHIC. So graphic I woke up with a NASTY taste in my mouth feeling really really disgusting. And where, you ask, was all this whoring going on? At a voice over audition. Yep. And not only that, but I was reading for the part of a plump, happy mother while a little girl was in the booth. Granted, these things were not going on at the same TIME... but honestly that was THE most disturbing night of sleep I've EVER HAD.

I just shuddered. I honestly feel so disgusting right now.

On to more uplifting news...

What a FUN WEEKEND!! First on Saturday I got up early and the Welcome Back Trotters (which is a rotating cast of lovely ladies) and I did the Revlon Run/Walk for Cancer, starting in Times Square and moving up to Central Park. My lovely friend Anne Nodar works for Revlon so she got us all in and got us tees and hats. I ran almost the whole 3 miles without stopping except that my knee started to bother me. Sometimes I can run and run with no pain but this was not one of those days. Ah well, it was still great. Amber Moelter and I realized that we run at exactly the same pace naturally which will come in handy in 5 months when we run the 1/2 Marathon in San Fran together! (yes, I'm serious. Training starts Saturday!)

James Gandolfini and Susan Sarandon were opening speakers at the run as well as my favorite L&O, SVU detective, Christopher Melony. We started the run and I noticed Chris was actually running with everyone. I was like "oh man, we should go run next to him" but we didn't. So the race is over and I'm snapping pictures and from out of nowhere a woman walks by and goes "You should take a picture of the L&O guy." I turn around and he's there. I squeel like a little girl and go, "oooh! Can I take a picture with you!?" and he goes "siggggh. Yeah I guess." So, unfazed, I run over to him, he puts his arm around me and I hand my camera off to poor Rachel who has NO idea in hell how to work the thing (and neither do I 1/2 the time! It's a new phone and it's way too high tech) so she goes, "ok I got it!" and I look and it wasn't there! Chris runs off and we're all like, shit! Poor Rach felt so bad but honestly, I geeked out in front of him and that's all that matters.

And now, for your viewing pleasure, are a few pics from the Revlon event.


The "Welcome Back Trotters" at the beginning of the run (sans me).


Anne Nodar, Master of Ceremonies (and Maggie Morris smiling over her shoulder)


Jen MacNeil stretches it out Ballet Style


Katina & Glennis... Wonder Twins, Unite!


Rachel adds the adorable factor.


Amber is "jazz hands" excited!!


Mixed Medium... Katina: Construction Paper & Staples; Hammy: Bedazzler; Glenn-dawg: Marker on Fabric & safety pins; Rachel: Fancy, professional sewn lettering.


Wait, Sponeill wants to take a picture with her finger squeezed between the bilboard girl's breasts.


And we're OFF!


Hammy & Rachel finish the run with a smile and a gang sign.


Amber, Jen & Spo are true champs. Spo finished the 3.1 mile run in 32 minutes! That's awesome!


Hooray! We found Anne & Katina!


Shannon gets some hot fancy eyes from a makeup booth set up after the race. We all agreed makeup after a run is a weird idea but dude, her eyes looked amazing. And she found out she has "monster lashes." Way to go, Spo!


The Trotters, post run. Lookin good, feelin good.

But honestly, the best part of my weekend was shooting the video for the Ellen DJ job. A bunch of friends got together with me at 10am on Sunday morning to learn a dance (choreographed by the amazing Robyn) then perform it on camera out by the west side highway. It was so incredibly fun! I don't have pictures from that but I WILL have video soon and I will share it with you all.

So that's all. Amazingly fun weekend.

Glennis

------Read below this line if you would like to experience the first entry of my "Running Diary"-------

Ok first of all, I need to learn how to stretch it out. I didn't stretch before the 3 mile run and ended up feeling it that night. My thigh muscle on my right leg up to my belly button was SO pulled. I could barely breath without it hurting. The next day, the DANCING day, it was much better cuz I had heating padded it up and massaged the crap out of it. Yes, yes, poor me.

So I really am going to start training for a 1/2 marathon with Amber (pictured above) soon. 16.1 miles. I'm a little scared but I know if I put my mind to it I can do it. We have to raise $4,000 which includes the trip and hotel to San Fran and research $ donations. And at the end of the race, a man in a tuxedo hands you a necklace from Tiffanys. I mean, it's pretty hilarious. But I really just want to accomplish this and I really do want to be in great shape. I'd like to be able to do things like run a few blocks and not get winded. Yano?

So there ya go. Day one, ran 3.1 miles... NOT THE WHOLE TIME BUT WHO'S COUNTING... injured myself, and almost couldn't walk. Great start.

(PS - don't worry, I have a trainer helping me to do this so I don't REALLY injure myself. I'm gonna be smart about it.)

Have a great day!!!