Like Nun Other

My lovely readers I would like to introduce you to my friend Maria's blog. Maria has a song in her heart and an eye for good comedy. Maria is also a nun. You might be thinking, "what does a nun know about comedy?!" Oh... only EVERYTHING. (That's literally the only comeback I can think of right now I'm so tired)

Don't believe me? Read for yourself.

Air it out laundry style

Because I am 1) lazy and 2) somewhat busy and 3) really lazy, I decided that I don't want to do my own laundry anymore. Especially because "clothes mountain" was starting to look like "clothes mountain: the ride" with little cockroaches riding in socks down the side with their 6 legs raised in the air. weeee!

So I decided to take it to the cleaners. Now I really truly hate takin my clothes to the cleaners. I have a fear that 1) my clothes will be ruined, 2) my dirty laundry (read: my poopie-stained panties) will be photographed and put on the internet (poop two days in a row people, this is content!) and/or 3) my clothes will all mysteriously "vanish" (read: will be sold on the clothing black market known as "the laundro-person's closet"). But this week clothes mountain was just too daunting and, as I said before, I was just too lazy.

The bag of clothing? Well yes, it was heavy. But I didn't realize HOW heavy because my wonderful awesome boyfriend carried it to the cleaners for me. I guess $30 does seem like a lot to pay for laundry... but eh. Who cares. Just relax and let them do their job. This is, after all, what they DO FOR A LIVING (that is in upper case because it's foreshadowing).

So this morning I go to pick up my freshly cleaned laundry with a smile on my face and a spring in my step and no socks or underwear on. I bound up the steps, and push open the door, the fresh scent of Tide mixed with pride tingled my nostrils. "Good morning! Here to pick up!!" I handed the wrinkled old woman by the dryer my ticket.

Dum deee dum. What a lovely morning! Laa dee dooo.

"OH THIS IS YOU!!!??! TOO MUCH LAUNDRY! YOU SHOULDN'T WAIT SO LONG TO DO YOUR LAUNDRY! TERRIBLE! TERRIBLE!!! ARE THESE ALL YOUR CLOTHES!?!?"

Wha... but... i thought... but i was super bus... but...

The old wrinkled woman berated me for having TOO MUCH LAUNDRY.

YOU ARE A LAUNDROMAT. IS THERE SUCH A THING AS TOO MUCH LAUNDRY!?!?

Well I didn't think so but apparently there is.

I was so embarrassed you guys! I paid her and even tipped her cuz I felt bad and I was SO EMBARRASSED and felt like such a slob. I looked at all the other teeny tiny miniscule bags of laundry awaiting pick up. Teeny weeny bags with teeny weeny clothes with no poopie stains on the panties (but honestly, it's not real poop, it's from my clothing line). Sigh.

I walked out with my HUGE ENORMOUS ELEPHANTITOUS BAG OF LAUNDRY and teeny tiny mouse tears in my eyes.

No not really but damn, what the hell??

Oh and to top it off, I'm telling the story to my boyfriend (he used to use the same place) and he's all, "that's really weird! she never said a word to me. all smiles!"

Seriously though you guys. What the hell??

Just a day in the life

First, the woman who job shares with me taped a fortune from a cookie to our file separator that says "you are never bitter, deceptive or petty." with smiley faces surrounding it. Now, my first thought was, "is this her way of telling me I AM those things?" I quickly dismissed that thought. Now if it had read, "you never leave work for me and you always remember to email me about what's been going on while you were in the office so i'm caught up when i come in on Friday" then I would have worried.

Second, I am not a believer in the meat on the street diet. I've never partaken in it but have always wanted to because DAMN that meat smells good. But I always knew as soon as I did I'd be the unlucky one who got food poisoning and diarrhea (or as I like to call it, butt water). But then I saw Rachel Ray on Ops and she convinced me that yes, street meat was a great eat AND a great deal. (Thanks Liz!) So I just ate it. I will keep you updated on the consistency of my pooh pooh.

HEHEHE... POOH POOH!!!

And third, I read this articleabout a family in Turkey who walks around on all fours and honestly, I started to get freaked out. It really scares me to have people walk around like that. Remember that movie Return to OZ? Remember those FREAKY dudes who had wheels for hands? God that scared the SHIT out of me! So this makes me think of that and, I know this is terrible, but they are also mentally handicapped (although the article calls them "retarded"... is that an ok term to use these days??) and that makes it even weirder and scarier. Ok I am terrible. I know. But I guess my point is I have to see this documentary.

Because I love scary movies.

Ok GLENNIS ENOUGH!!

I sound like the most red necky hick American ever in this post, don't I.

Glupdate

So for those of you semi interested in my life (and really why wouldn't you be... you do in fact become a glesbian the second you click on my blog) I have a few updates!

Well first of all I just found out I booked a NY Lotto commercial where I play a shiny little star in the sky with a bad attitude. Shoots on Friday and it is really funny! I'm so excited! I get to dress as a star! (which will, I'm sure, be terribly hot and uncomfortable)

And also, recently I did a commercial demo for a new gum called Stride from the makers of Trident. That was a fun time... that won't be on tv (and the NY Lotto one will, duhvs, only be in NY) but it was really funny and fun.

ALSO, I did a reading of a part in the new Tina Fey pilot the other day. I did it only because the girl who was actually cast in the part couldn't make it back from LA for the reading. But get this... I'm at a table with Lorne Michaels, Tina Fey, Rachel Dratch, Tracy Morgan and Alec Baldwin! I have one word for you about Alec... CHARM. ING. Dang. And funny! But anyway that was so amazing (so amazing that I spaced out after and left my atm card in the machine) and the casting director who got me THAT called yesterday to call me in for a new pilot she's casting called "6 degrees."

When it rains it pours!

Also, you should come see I Eat Pandas still. Two more shows left! Travis is moving away to DC you guys so this might be your last chance to see us in NY.

:( booo

Ok that was fun.

Love,

Glennis

Slop-rah

Ok I have something to post about but first... dude this is MC HAMMER'S BLOG. Ha! It looks like it's the real thing.

Ok so anyway, on to my post.

So the other day I'm watching Oprah (duh) and she has a show about "faces behind the most famous brands." Her first guest on is Marc Jacobs. Marc has his own clothing line (of the same name) but is also the creative head behind Louis Vuiton. So Ops is Rrrrraving about this new LV bag she has (which was so freaking awesome even though I hate the look of LV) and at one point the producer or whoever brings it out for her to show off to the audience. So I'm like "wow, nice bag!" and then for a second I was like, "wait... was that a milk stain on her Louis bag?" so I kept watching and sure enough there was a little splat of something on the bottom corner of the bag. So that's weird right? Cuz this is Oprah and, well, she's Oprah. But then she goes on to say "I don't even put that much in this bag because I want to take SUCH GOOD CARE OF IT."

So that was just weird to me. Did Marc see? Did the audience? I mean come on, first row must have seen if I saw. I'm sure I'm the only one who saw it and/or cared. I live such a dull life.

But seriously, come on Opsies.

Also, this blog is amazing. Just click, it's all pictures. Amazing.

Peace!

Your dog G

Mardi-grump

Wow, check out Hartnet-throb Josh (too many puns in a row? Liz might not think so) at the Mardi Gras parade. He was an honorary Grand Marshal of the Orpheus parade and as you can see by these pictures he was just thrillllled to be there.







Whoa buddy, CALM DOWN!!

They had to bring this kid in just to make Josh look like he was having fun!



Some people just don't know how to have a good time.

No-No-No-Notorious

After coming across this story today, it got me thinking about how shitty something like winning the lottery really could be. Ok yes, there'd be the initial, "HOLY MOTHER OF GOD I HAVE SO MUCH MONEY OH MY GOD!! BATH TUBS OF COOKIES FOR EVERYONE!" but then what? Well I know I myself would have no problem blowing through millions of dollars in, oh... a few days. (No, really.) But aside from that. Think of all the douchebags in your life. I'll give you a minute.

Don't forget that dude from work.

A lot of them huh? Yeah now imagine those douchebags when faced with someone they KINDA know who now has millions of dollars. Holy crap that would suck! Would that suck worse than not having millions of dollars?

And that leads me to this: can you win millions of dollars and stay notorious? Like Biggie? No-no-no-no... no I don't think you could. Could you hide it from everyone but a select few? Cuz if you could I think that's the way to go. I can't stand when lottery winners have their picture taken with their huge check or their winning ticket for the papers. Are you CRAZY? Now not only do all the douchebags in your LIFE know what you look like and that you have money to burn, but now so does all of Douch-merica. Congratulations dumdum!

Also I was up super super late again last night for no reason at all and I watched a few of the episodes of Roseann that were at the end of the show's run. Where they win the lottery, Dan has a heart attack, Dan stays in California to take care of his sick mom, Dan cheates on/leaves Roseann. Did it bother anyone else that when they won the lottery they stayed in that shitty house and just got tackier more expensive things? I mean I guess it works and whatever but it drove me NUTS. I was like come ON, really? You're going to stay in Lanford... with that WALLPAPER?? Also, Roseann wrote the episode I watched. Nothing significant about that just thought it was something. Yep, that was something.

And didn't that show end with them saying the whole thing had been a story Roseann wrote and that Dan died when he had the heart attack? Does anyone remember?

Oh and can I say one more thing please. I wrote an email to someone who shall remain nameless telling them I thought they were hilarious and that I loved their blog (I do not know this someone but I do love their blog) and they never wrote back. DOUCHE. You are a douche, sir. Can you tell me what isle the douche is located on? I'm sure you can because you, m'lady, are a douche.

Also, do I detect a case of too cool for school? I do think so.

Forever your girl,

Glennis

new template

This is the funniest template I've ever seen.

I am in heaven.

Cool Horse.

Listen people, I don't know what's going on around here but all the sudden it seems like everywhere I look people are too cool for school. What's the deal?? What happened to dorking out over your favorite tv show or song? What happened to not caring what people think? What happened to talking in funny voices and quoting retarded movies that made us laugh (and not being afraid to admit they made us laugh). Now it's, "oh man I'm chillin over this awesome dick joke I just heard" (no exclamation points). Seriously, if I hear one more person sigh and roll their eyes at something I say, I'm going to shoot them in the heart. IN THE HEART!!!! (multiple exclamation points!!!) [and smiley faces :):):)] Let's all just chill the eff out ok?

No this is not in response to any one in particular. Just something I noticed happening between two suited-up attorneys as I filled in at the reception desk.

Attorney One: Well Johnson DID have a few good points in that meeting.
Attorney Two: (rolls eyes and sighs) Johnson is a tool.

Ok, perhaps Johnson is a tool. But could you get off your rad train for two seconds and hear the man out? Maybe Johnson has the answer that could win this case for you! Wouldn't you love that?? I bet you would. Who would love that!? YOU WOULD!! YES YOU WOULD!! A-geeeeew!

Let's get excited again people. Being depressed, believe it or not, is NOT cool. You know what's cool? Jumping. Yeah I said it. Jumping is cool. Also, brownies! Brownies are so cool! And this blog, this blog is SO cool. And ME! I'm cool! Are you cool??

Well, are you?

Now we know why...

It all makes sense.

Believe-mia, you need to see this.

Because I was up at what I think was 3am but very well could have been 1am or 4am, I was able to see a Lifetime movie I hadn't seen before. It's probably the best Lifetime movie ever made. It's called, "Kate's Secret" and it stars the TV mom among TV moms: Meredith Baxter Birney.

Kate is a beautiful woman married to a successful man about to be made partner. Kate enjoys aerobics and eating lightly. Her daughter is even becoming a girl scout. Everything in Kate's life is perfect. But Kate has a secret. Kate likes to "get rid" of her food. Doctors call it something like purging or BU-LE-ME-A. Say it with me.

Apparently this movie was made in 1986 and not many people knew about the "B" word then. This movie was not only a gem but educational as well.

My favorite part of the movie was... oh god there were so many! First I'd have to say the part where she gets bad news from her husband (he has to work late) and she goes on a rampage. She hops in her car and maniacally drives to the local food mart and walks out with a pint of ice cream. The store owner runs after her, "won't you need another spoon for your daughter?!" No. No she won't. She quickly starts shoving ice cream down her throat which only made me wonder how many times they had to cut for ice cream headaches. Then the best part. The music. Crazy violin horror movie music! It's almost too perfect. As Kate shoves the haggen daaz down her gullet: "REE REE REE!" As she peels out of the parking lot and into a fast food drive through HONKING HER HORN (she can NOT get the food fast enough people!): "REEE REEE REEE!" As she orders not one but TWO large fries, one fish sandwich, one cheeseburger... "oh and what else did she want?" she says. That's right, two milkshakes. "It's a surprise for my daughter" she lies to the drive through attendant. Don't drag blue collar joe into your nightmare, Kate. Drive on.

Before even leaving the drive-through window she smashes a fist-full of fries into her fry hole. Then...

The Purge.

A dark ally. Kate stops her car and shamefully walks into the darkness. We see only a shadow bend over. A loose shoelace? No friend. Not this time.

I fear I'm giving too much of this amazing story away. You really HAVE to see it. The characters she meets in the hospital on her road to recovery. The tragic heartbreak. The uplifting moments. It's almost too much goodness packed into one Lifetime movie.

So please, if you know what's good for you PLEASE see this movie.

Love,

Glennis "no secrets here" McMurray

Pandas!

Here's a link to the Time Out NY article about my musical improv group I Eat Pandas.

Now get off yer tootie and come see our show, won't you?



Love,

Glennis

Time Shout!

Hey everyone if you have Time Out NY check out the comedy section to see my smiling face, Eliza's sassy face, and Travis' handsome mug (and a review of our show "I Eat Pandas.") If this doesn't make you want to hump my leg i don't know WHAT will.

(that excludes you, Kirby. I know you'll always be willing to hump my leg.)

I'll post a picture tomorrow for you out of NYers.

The day is looking up.

ALSO I JUST JOINED SAG! Yay!

i've had enough

in light of recent events (i.e. the past 26 years) i've come to a decision. now don't try to talk me out of this because I've made up my mind. from this day forward i'm not going to celebrate any more holidays except birthdays. i'm sorry if you are used to receiving huge sums of money (bags of coke) from me for christmas. but look on the bright side, that sum will be doubled for your birthday!


Two things to note about your present. 1. it's outdoor cocain, 2. silly straws make coke habits adorable

i just build the shit up so much nothing is ever going to be good enough. isn't that terrible? well that's how it is. it's all or nothing with me folks.

so that's about all. i just wanted you to know. no more holidays. christmas especially.

cheering up the world one post at a time,

glennis

How have I BEEN? HOW HAVE I BEEEEEEN? Does this answer your question?





































(i threw in that last one just to confuse you)

Kara-OH!-ke

Snow! Hey right guys? Look at all that snow out there!

So I'm holed up inside my room literally going stir crazy (the woman upstairs is pacing in her heels. i think she's mad. again...literally) and it's actually proven to be a very educational afternoon. Did you know if you have time warner cable you have a BUILT IN KARAOKE MACHINE?? That's right. Just go to channel 1017 then go to airKaraoke A-Z. It's the BEST. I just finished singing "Tempted" at the top of my lungs in my room.

Have a great week!

Glennis

Thanks, Drew

One might say I am a bit of a "dork" or "nerd" on the inside. Some might love the inner nerd in me (read: my boyfriend) some might hate it (read: Kathy Hilton. ??) I don't know. Regardless, I am sitting at home on a Saturday night which I have no problem with. Unless that sitting at home also involves watching the movie that hits way too close to home for me... "Never Been Kissed."

Have you seen this movie? Well it's on tv and dvd so you have no excuse. I hear the original title for this movie was, "let's see what high school was like for Glennis McMurray." Drew Barrymore does WAY too good a job in this movie playing me. My inner nerd has since been WAY squelched (no it hasn't) but when I watch this movie I start to sweat. It reminds me so much of high school it's scary. Not to mention the fact that she looks a hell of a lot (exactly) like me. I wish I had my old year books with me, I'd show your scoffing face what's what.

Oh and I'm not writing this so you'll be all, "what?? i can't believe that adorable girl known to all as "Glennis Ray of Cuteness" has an inner nerd! Well believe it bitches.

Ug this whole post is making me even more nausious.

I'm out, watersprout.


Glennis... we need to talk.

More Merchandise

Just in case you need another t-shirt, here's one that I designed to celebrate my favorite 10-minute song, 10-member strong band, Electric Light Orchestra.

It's time for me to say I'm sorry

Isn't that a great song...Chicago's "Hard to say I'm sorry" I mean pretty much anything by Chicago or Journey top my awesome list.

I have a new reader who sent me an email with the following video. You guys, you know I'm not squeemish but this literally made me clasp my hand over my mouth and GASP. So only watch it if you don't mind watching something totally disturbing and awesome.

WATCH IT

I'll wait...

hhmmmm da ddeeee do dum.

laaa la la la

hard for me to say i'm sorry

i just want you to know...

over now...

I KNOW!!! HOLY SHIT RIGHT?!?! THE DUDE'S LEG!!! AHH!!! EEEEH EH he eehe

Thanks Eric

FOR PUTTING A NEW FEAR IN MY HEAD

Love,
Glennis

Fear's Triumphant Return

If you missed my old blog about all things fear (see: fear and...) then you missed the stage in my life where i obsessed about well all things fear. I basically watched every medical show on the Discovery Health channel until my mind could no longer take the constant torture of thinking a branch was going to fly through my car window impaling my delicate doe-like skull.


Gleeeeeeennis... I'm waiting for you.

I thought my fears had been squelched. I thought I was through with the constant obsessions.

But no... they are BACK.

Lately I can not stop imagining my nose being hooked by things and ripped off. I know it's disgusting. Imagine thinking about it at every turn! And if you really think about it there aren't even that many things you could hook your nose on but I seem to be able to imagine wild scenarios that include just that.

Let's take a look at the usual suspects:


Obvzies


Totes


Watch those high kicks, friend.


Duh!


slight exageration

Seriously people, I hope I haven't scarred you but I CAN'T stop thinking about this for realzies.

I love you, nose. Please stick around.