I'm Losing You

Aren't I? You're slowly slipping through my fingers because I do not post enough. Isn't that right? Like a marriage gone sour because the MAN works too many hours or the WOMAN is out saving babies with no arms and fixing cleft palates.

Well let's just not get down on ourselves now, shall we? I'm here now!

I'm here to tell you that I am exhausted, once again. But this time I know why and I don't mind all that much. For you see I am exhausted because I work for almost 48 hours straight. Well not really but I am adding some hours for DRAMATIC! EFFECT! I get up Tuesday morning at around 7am. I brish my teeth and wursh my face in the inbred way I was taught (with ma fingurs!) and I head out the door for work. Sometimes on the way to work transvestites comment on my outfit. This doesn't happen much in the morning but when it does it's always appreciated. Who knew these shoes were so last season? Lately I am ALWAYS found jamming to my new Bose headphones. A pretty penny they did cost but dammit I'm working so hard (see: this post) and putting every last dime into paying off my credit card (which I'm sure if full of dinners out and booze - a solid investment if ever there was one) I thought hey! I deserve a present! So yes, I am walking and jamming every Tuesday morning. (The jamming as of late has been to Rihanna's new CD. When I tell you that "Don't Stop The Music" is the best song of all time I'm hoping you listen. Good god I am 12.)

I get to work and for 10 hours I sit and do random jobs for the man. If you'd like to picture me in glasses with my hair piled atop my head - pencils jetting about - knee-length skirt and just enough cleavage... you may. Sometimes during those 10 hours I am allowed to go out for auditions. This sounds exciting! And most of the time it is (because I am always accompanied by my dear headphones and my dear Rihanna) but it is also tiring and rushing. After the 10 hours of typing, tasking, rushing and auditioning, I head to my next job. My next job has been called "the perfect job for Glennis McMurray" because I am a bartender at a karaoke bar. THE karaoke bar if you're askin. Planet Rose karaoke (on 14th and Avenue A - stop by, won't you?) to be exact. Starting at 8pm every Tuesday night I do stuff like this:


While my friends do things like this:



...and this:



Being surrounded by happy people who love me (either because they know me or because I am providing them with mass amounts of alcohol) singing songs they rock... well it's not a bad thing, I'll tell you that much you guys. (You can see the entire flickr set here. It will be updated every week. Stop in an maybe YOUR picture will be there too.)

Sometimes even this happens:



I'll be honest with you. I hope this happens more often.

After working, bustling, hustling until around 2:30am, I go home and I sleep. Yes, I do sleep. For at least 3 1/2 hours. That's right I'm up again at 7am. It's not easy! Because that very day that I wake up at 7am I have to work another 10 hours for the man and then run Dance Dance Party Party! And not just run but participate in. Dancing? After that much work? Well that's where I am right now. I'm currently stuffing some salad and fruit bits into my mouth and I'm watching Creature Comforts on CBS. Holy LORD thank you for that show! It's adorable!! Please watch it guys cuz my friend Chad Carter worked on it and he's brilliant and deserves success.

I am really not kidding now. I have got to sleep, you guys.

Love,

Glennis

Truly Truly Truly

The first picture of me as Jem is being circulated. Please, gaze upon my Jemness and try not to touch yourself in dirty places.



Save the date... June 25th @ 7pm, UCB Theatre.

(My boobies look HUGE in that picture but I assure you, it's just the angle.)

xoxo

Love,

Glennis Benson

Adjusting

It's weird.

I spent my whole life thinking I was happy. And now I really am. So what was I before? I was pretending, right you guys? Pretending to be happy? Getting by? Is that what we do? It's like your eyes adapting to darkness...you know you're not going to get any more light so you just deal with what's there and adjust.

I adjusted my focus off of the outer things I thought would make me happy like:

A BOYFRIEND!
MORE MONEY!
FAME!
FOOD! (ok that's a lie...food is my lover)
JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE! (also a lie. can't live without him.)

and now I focus on me. Just me.

And I know that sounds totally selfish but I swear it's not. Because what I used to focus on was all that stuff everyone else focuses on coupled with the constant thought that people were judging me. I couldn't have a conversation (and I mean COULD_NOT) because I was so afraid of saying the wrong thing. Eliza mentioned that the other day in reference to improvisers wanting so desperately to be funny. They become so paralyzed by the fear that what they are about to say will be terribly unfunny. I was paralyzed. I didn't let anyone close to me. Ever.

So now I've hit these amazing breakthroughs in therapy and I want to cry at how happy I am. I want to cry! I don't know how else to explain it to you guys!

Sometimes I write these blog posts because I have this fantasy that someone out there is reading them going through the same things I am. No, not the "meeting girls named Cherish" same things...but the insecurities and the sadness and I guess a little regret. I guess I never thought people could change but they can. As long as they want to. I think that's why I've had so much success in therapy... I really wanted to change. I knew there was something wrong when I'd pick fights with someone I was supposed to love and wasn't able to look people in the eye. I'm just surprised I stuck with it and actually came out the other end in a better place. It's just unbelievable to me.

I said to my therapist the other day that I never believed in pure happiness and I thought that even if things were going well in my life before I found ways to make it bad. I complained a lot and talked bad about people. I hated my job. SO much. But I just don't care to be miserable any more. I guess you could argue and say that I have a pretty sweet life and really what do I have to be miserable about. If you're looking for stuff to be upset about you're always going to find something. Trust me. I could give you a list, I'm sure. But it's not important. Focusing on the positive hasn't become a task, it's just second nature now.

I wish I was a little more eloquent so I could help you understand how I feel. I guess maybe you get it.

I hope you're all happy too. And yes, I realize I am a huge nerd for writing this all down but dammit I'm inspired.

So have a great night.

xoxo

Glennis

The Pretty

Tonight, as a part of my new "me" (more about that another post) I decided to embrace the moment and tag along with a new friend to the Gramercy Hotel. I've been in there before but it was during the day and let me tell you, friends, it's a much different scene at night. We were barely allowed in (new friend had to call his friend to gain entrance and even then it was with glaring eyes and suspicion and EAR PIECES). I won't take long on this because I must sleep but here are a few moments from the night.

Girl 1 at my table (to girl 2): You are so fancy.
Girl 2: No I am not.
Girl 1: Yes you are.
Girl 2: No I never dress this fancy. Even when I'm around famous people.

Then I'm outside and this girl hears me talking about Amy Sedaris. She interrupts (this is a new girl, not someone I'd met before) and says, "Oh my gooood are you talking about Amy Sedaris???" I said yes and started to get excited about talking with someone about her and I go "Strangers With Candy was so great, right? Did you see the movie?" and she goes, "that's what I was TALKING ABOUT." It was a TV show too, I remind her, and she goes "oh I don't know. whatever."

Aw, so pretty.

Then I kind of drift off for a minute and she sticks her hand out and goes "CHERISH." And I stand there and in my head go...what? She goes, "Cherish." I wanted to say "the thought...?" And then realize she's giving me her name. As my roommate said, "Cherish is not a name. It's barely a verb." But I gotta hand it to her... I remembered her name.

So anyway, that was my awesome night. I also saw my friend Christina's band play at Arlene's and they rocked my effin world. Yaburnt.

Anyway...

Have a great day, dammit.

Love,

Glennis

Karaoke Dreams Do Come True

People I'm proud to bring you the news that I have officially started as a bartender on Tuesday nights at New York's best karaoke haunt... PLANET ROSE!

I start at 8pm and go till 2:30 so stop by, drink with me, keep me company and above all SING. I will back up your songs with beautiful harmonies while pouring you fancy drinks like vodka/soda and rum/coke.

Is this a dream come true for yours truly?

Yes, Yes it is.



See you there!

xoxo

Glennis

PS - Planet Rose is located at 14th Street and Avenue A (take the L to 1st) right next to Mozzarella's Pizza.

Let's sing!

The Best of Intentions

Guys, I just...

I just don't understand it.

There are people out there who I'm sure get invitations to their cousin's wedding and in their mind they think "oh lovely. a wedding. what fun this shall be." and they pick out a dress and the dress is stunning and they dance and act merry and end the night wrapped in a blanket of dignity and champagne.

And then there are people like me. I just don't know where I go wrong you guys. I have the best of intentions and yet things just go down the pooper for me. I mean I really do live my life in a sit-com.

Ah-for Example...

This past weekend I went up to New Hampshire for my cousin Emry's wedding. Emry is a McCliment and dammit I love the McCliments so much. I was especially excited because it was a mini family reunion of sorts seeing as all my Uncle Jim's brothers would be there, my cousin Sarah (whom I adore), and even some family I hadn't met! (My dad was the youngest of 14...there are a lot of us out there.) Not to mention the fact that the McCliments know how to drink. Which is why sometimes I secretly think I've got a little more "Climent" than "Murray" in me. So anyway, there was a lot of family and a lot of booze. And Glennis.

Usually when I go to weddings I borrow a dress from a friend (Liz) who has better taste than me (Liz/Kate/Eliza/everyone I know) but THIS time I found a dress. No... I found THE dress. The most awesome dress I'd ever seen and yet simple and elegant and so classy and fun. It was just perfect. And cheap! Yes... it was from H&M (because I hold stock in the store) and it only set me back $50. Pretty sweet deal, eh? But the best part of the outfit was the shoes... patent leather gray high heels. GORG. I was just like...what? Seriously? Someone climbed in my dusty mind and found the perfect shoes for me? Awesome. So the outfit was amazing and I was SO excited to slip into it and be elegant. Dammit I was going to be elegant! (This is foreshadowing...)

The day of the wedding my cousin Sarah (um guys... Sarah is maybe the most awesome chick ever. you don't even know.) and I went over to Emry's fiance's house to get ready with her and her family. I didn't know them at all but they graciously let me use their shower and ride along in the limo with them to the wedding. So lovely. So we're getting ready, we're all beautiful, I'm rushing around trying to stay out of their way, and they head outside to take pictures. Their house was on a sweet little sweet in New Hampshire with neighbors out admiring the super stretch limo sitting out front and the fancy ladies on the lawn. I stood to the side admiring the photo shoot with some other random people - the limo driver, someone's husband, a family friend - when all of the sudden A HUGE GUST OF WIND BLOWS MY DRESS STRAIGHT OVER MY HEAD. OVER. MY. HEAD. Now... here's the thing you guys. This dress didn't have a waste...it was sort of as if I pulled a skirt right up above my boobs and added a sleeveless top. Still can't see what I'm saying? Imagine I'm a picnic table and my dress is a table cloth and the wind is a TORNADO. So yeah...there was really nothing left to the imagination. In fact one of the guys standing by me said, "I'll have that mental picture. Forever." Dude. Your wife is right there. (Also...thank you.) I mean thank god I was wearing underwear but mother of god could I not have kept my waxing appointment before I left town?? Jesus. Soooo...yeah. I pretty much flashed my furry meow meow (oh my god please don't call it that ever again) to the entire wedding party.

After that we get in the limo (where I flashed people again because OF THAT DAMN DRESS) and head to the wedding. The wedding was BEAUTIFUL. The men in the party wore kilts which meant pretty soon I had some company in the flashing department! We all hopped in the limo after the wedding to take a little spin around New Hampshire and it was hilarious watching the boys (sans drawers) try to hide their junk. Oh except when they were hanging their asses out the window of the limo flashing passing drivers. God I love them. Seriously they are so much fun. My cousin Sarah even flashed a passing car with a dad, mom and kid in it and the dad mouthed to her "thank you." It was maybe the best moment ever. So funny.

So you're saying to yourself "your dress blew up? that's it? that's what all this fuss was about?" Oh loyal reader, how little you know me.

The reception of the wedding was awesome. They had a great band and so much dancing and so much wine and so much dancing and twirling (but only a little so as not to flash the small children on the floor) and so much fun. I even sang "The Man I Love" for Emry and Holly (a capella - eeps) because they had asked me to sing for the wedding but we ran out of time. They came over gave me the biggest hug after that...it was seriously such a great time. I can't even get over it. So anyway, yes I had much wine and much fun and I might have been a bit tipsy as we walked out to say good night. And I might have had a huge bag with me. And I might have been saying good-bye to a cute boy I'd been flirting with all weekend. So what?! You're saying YOU wouldn't have stumbled off the curb cutting a huge gash in your shin and bruising both of your legs to bloody hell?? Oh like you're so perfect Mr. Fancy Pants with your walking and your staying erect!

Seriously... I am still in pain you guys. My shin has a HUGE gash in it (that probably should have gotten stitches but instead got some sweet bandaging by my Aunt Jeanne) and I am BUSTED UP. Just in time for Summer! Yay! I honestly look like I got into an accident on a bike or something. And I didn't fall in front of a few family members I hadn't seen in ages...oh no. I fell in front of EVERYONE.

But guys... and this is about to get really sappy so just hold onto your cry-lenol (thanks for that one, Sarah)... I don't know if I've ever been surrounded by so many caring, loving awesome people at one time. The entire family at once made sure I was ok (rushing inside to get my tissues and paper towel) and made SO MUCH FUN OF ME for falling I almost died from over love. Over love? YES. OVER LOVE.

It's not that I haven't felt loved or cared for before in my life. I really can't explain it (I say as I'm sitting here getting teary thinking about this) but the kind of connection you can have with people who haven't seen you in 15-26 YEARS where they can make you feel like the most important person in the world WHILE making fun of you for being a total clutz... it's beyond compare.

I spent the whole rest of my trip dreading coming back to New York. It was the first time that has happened. I always look so forward to coming home. The minute I step off that plane/train I breath in the poopie New York air and smile. This is where I feel safe, happy, loved. But for the rest of the trip and still today all I can do is think about how amazing my family is and how much I wish we all lived on the same block in some town in America. Does that at ALL sound like me? I can tell ya, it don't.

Just before I wrote this my Uncle Jim called me to say the family was sitting on the deck of his pub (he owns J.D. McCliments in Putney, VT...tell them I sent you) wishing I was there. My heart!

I guess this post ended a little differently than I expected it to. I am beyond exhausted (having traveled for 6 hours yesterday, performed in a show, bar tended until 3am, slept for 3 1/2 hours and worked a 10-hour shift. Oh and then did dance dance party party. Beyond.) but I can't pull back on the cheese. Sorry guys. You're just gonna have to deal, bokay?

I'm not really sure how to end this post so I'll just say falling off that curb was the best thing that's happened to me in a while.

Have a great day on that porch, guys.

Love,

Glennis

PS - Seriously. Do not ever use the phrase "furry meow meow" again. I will cut you.

New Thing #1

As I've said here before, my pal Jen is doing a new thing every day for an entire year and blogging about it and the outcome is heartwarming, adorable and interesting. She even made her freakin face out of food at my suggestion!! She is awesome. So, following in her footsteps, I've been trying to do new things. Things that are outside my comfort zone. Sometimes I just think about them (riding a roller coaster at Coney Island) and sometimes...well, sometimes I actually do them. And this "sometime" was a week and a half ago at the Olive Garden.

I know what you're saying. What was a classy intelligent gal like myself doing eating at The OG when we live in a literal hot bead of Italian eateries (is it a "literal hot bed"? I don't know if that applies to this situation. It's my blog. It does.). Well I'll tell you, it was my dear friend Carrie's birthday and she loves The OG and damn it, aside from being overpriced, it wasn't half bad! But eating there wasn't my "new thing" because I've been there many a time before. I used to practically live there when my friend Lindy worked at the Times Square location. Just call me Unlimited Glennis! (a.k.a. MOOCH)

So anyway, we're sitting there eating and our waiter is adorable. I'm not going to go into details because it's FAR too embarrassing but basically I convinced myself that he was "into me" and asked him out. Or actually I should say I told him I'd show him around NY since he'd only been here for 4 months. What am I, a Cameron Diaz movie!? Yeah, he never called.

Oh god you guys it was so embarrassing.

I mean, wait it wasn't embarrassing...it was em...POWERING!

...bokay?

Gah. I'm such a losah.

I feel bad for you men out there! It must be hard being shot down, even just once, and sometimes we girls are ruthless! I mean the guy was nice, he took my number. So basically he lied. Glarp.

Maybe he really was gay like Dorian mused? Oh who cares.

Anyway this, dear readers, is why last night when Hammy and I were at Walker's in Tribeca getting our drink on and I developed a crush on the bartender I just kept my fat mouth shut. It just ain't worth it. At least for now. Also, I like that bar and would like to be able to go back without feeling retarded for asking someone out who clearly wasn't interested.

Oh I also lied a lot last night. Among the lies were that we were from Montana, that I was in advertising, that I created the H&M promo magazine I had with me, that Hammy and I were sisters, that I was talking to my dad on the phone at a bar crying about this and that while he had sex with my mom (what??) and that Jen's name was Jerrica. I loooove to liiiiiie when I'm druuuuuunk.

In other news, I went to see Ricky Gervais last night and he was SO ADORABLE. I wanted to shrink him down, put him in my pocket and take him home with me. I'm not sure what would have happened after that but it would have been adoooorable!

Well, I guess that's all from McMurray, y'all. I'm headed to Pinkberry for some pre-rehearsal froyo with Lin-Z. Lin-Z from Jem, y'all. LIZ BLACK. God. Do I have to spell everything out for you? (Just kidding. I love you.)

Oh and Jem has a date! June 25th!!! UCB Theatre! SAVE IT! THE DATE! FOR JEM!

YAY!!!

Have a great day!

Love,

Glennis "Wanna Go Out With M...No? OK, cool" McMurray

My Dirty Secret

I have a dirty, dirty secret guys. It's not a small secret either. Well, it's not really a big secret if you want to be all technical about it. I guess you could call it a medium secret.

And that right there IS the secret.

That's right. I watch Medium on NBC. Not only do I watch this terrible show among terrible shows, I record it. Weekly.

If you look through my DVR scheduled recordings you'll find awesome things like "The Real World" and "My Super Sweet 16" and "Dr. 90210" but nothing is quite as shameful or awesome as Medium. At least the other shows I can explain away by pretending I'm obsessed with drama, spoiled twats or plastic surgery. There is absolutely nothing I can say to redeem myself after someone learns that I watch Medium. In fact, it's paused on my TV right now awaiting my sweet little finger to hit that play button. I need help.

First of all I started watching it because I was all "right on Patricia! you go girl! a woman in her 40s (?) starring in her own show this day in age? You go guuuurl." And Patricia was great in True Romance, right guys? But there's just something that doesn't translate when she acts exactly like she did in the awesome hotel room murder scene (SCREAMING!SOMUCHSCREAMING!) but as a wife and mother of 3. Call me crazy. And yet... I can't stop watching. There is something about Patricia Arquette that makes her a terrible and wonderful actress all at the same time.

But it's not just her acting that makes this show retarded...there was one episode that just about killed me, you guys. I swear to you I sat watching just in awe of how terrible it was. The gist of the scene was that her body had been taken over by a really rich, snobby ghost of a woman who woke up in bed next to her (Patricia's) husband and freaked out and then left and went to her house and blahblahblah. Basically the woman had died and took over Patricia's body. But the hilarious part was that every 3 minutes or so they'd play the song "Just Like a Star" by Corinne Bailey Rae. Do you know which one I'm talking about? Not important. It literally could have been any song because the hilarious part was that they played it over and over and OVER AND OVER throughout the whole show. I mean I know this is not coming across the way I want it to but holy LORD you guys it was hilarious. It'd be like this:

"Did you have a bad dream?"
"Yeah. Someone was murdered."
"I'm sorry. Go back to sleep."
JUST LIKE A STAR BLAHBLAHBLAH, JUST LIKE A STAR BLAHBLAHBLAH

...two minutes later...

"Can you pick the kids up from school?"
"I thought it was your day to do that."
"The District Attorney needs me to stop by his office."
"Ok, then."
JUST LIKE A STAR BLAHBLAHBLAH, JUST LIKE A STAR BLAHBLAHBLAH

Oh god, guys. It was SO SO FUNNY. I could not stop laughing. I started betting with myself on when it would happen. I won a lot of money from me that night.

So there it is. There's my dirty medium secret. I watch MEDIUM. Get over it, you jerks! What, like you don't watch "Thank God You're Here"?

I love you all. Have a great day!

Love,

Glennis

Are You My Bloggy?

Holy crap you guys. What the farg!? I haven't written in ages! Ages I say! Wait, has everyone see that commercial for Orbitz where they're cursing each other out but they say stuff like "what the flapjack, applesauce?!" or something like that. Oh god I love that commercial so much. It's like a song. I wanna record it and listen to it over and over. And there's yet another reason for you, dear reader, to suspect that I might be a tiny bit autistic. (Reason 1: I like heavy things on top of me. i.e. I like to be hugged or squeezed which I hear people with autism like and also cows who are about to be slaughtered are squeezed because it calms them down. Wait, I should research this before I tell you all stuff you'll go recycling all over the place. One second I'ma look...wait.. why would I want to look up COW SLAUGHTERING. That's just depressing. Let's just pretend that before a cow gets killed someone gives them a big, fat hug! Like The Pillowman! Oh man this is getting sad, I'll stop.)

So anyway, I want to write. I miss writing. One person even told me they miss me writing. Here you go, person! I'm writing!

So first of all I went to an Arcade Fire show! My pal Shelly asked if I wanted to risk life and limb by getting tickets on a random website for a sold out show. And of COURSE I said yes. I mean, come on... risk is my middle name! (Unless it's pertaining to roller coasters. Yikes!) So anyway, we went to the show at 175th and Broadway at the United Palace Theatre. IT WAS AMAZING. If you have a chance to go see them DO IT. Even if you don't know their music. I swear, guys, it will be worth it! First of all they have 10 people on stage and they play tons of instruments and the energy is amazing. We were standing the whole time! I hate standing! It was THAT GOOD!

Ok so go see Arcade Fire, check.

Second, this Friday night, thanks to my buddy Liz, I'm going to see Ricky Gervais! eeee! How excited am I, you guys! Everyone sing that Outkast song together - Heeeeeeee-eeey ya!

This coming Sunday my dear, dear cousin Emry is getting married in New Hampshire. I get to go up and drink and dance and wear my adorable new gray patent leather shoes and my cream dress (seriously the combo... i could die) and watch my cousin, the man I swore I would marry (at age 3, y'all. it ain't like that.) walk down the isle. I am so excited. I haven't been this excited about something in a long time. I'm getting teary just thinking about it!

Oh god, you guys... so I started taking Lunesta (a sleeping pill) and I slept great! I felt great! But the days that I took it I was seconds away from crying all day. Seriously. Everything would make me cry. A commercial for FURNITURE made me cry. So I'm like great now my options are either sleepy or weepy? FANTASTIC. But honestly, I had this amazing breakthrough in therapy the other day and I have been happier in the past week or so than maybe ever. MAYBE EVER! Can you get with that, bitches?! Heeeee-ey ya!

It's like reading a letter from a 12 year old. I realize this.

So let's see...what else. Oh! I went to Coney Island for Eliza's birthday which was RETARDED. So much fun. I didn't even ride anything (except a nice little buzz) and I still had fun! I still wish we'd gone to the aquarium but poor E got stuck on the BQE because of traffic. But it's coo, we'll go again. Bokay? You can come. How 'bout that? Pinkie swear. kisses.

What is wrong with me. I'm super excited to have 2 seconds to sit and write. Hell yes.

OH WAIT. To the lovely Dina who commented on my last post about seeing our I Eat Pandas show... THANK YOU! I kept trying to respond to your comment but I couldn't for some reason so you should know your comment made my week! Thank you for coming!

Y'all we have another show coming up so don't be sad that you missed the last one. It's on Tuesday the 22nd at Gotham City Improv and it's taped and it will be so awesome! It's part of this show called Acid Test that tapes improv shows (with 3 cameras) and then puts them online for all the world to see. We're SUPER honored to be a part of this show and to have the entire show to ourselves!! You guys should definitely come check it out! Why? Because I luv you, that's why. smoochysmoochylilpoochy!

Sigh. Well, I think that's all I have for now you crazy kids. I will post more often. I know, I know... I say that all the time but this time I mean it.

Peace out watersprout.

Love,

Glennis

I Eat Pandas Tonight!

I don't know how we'll do it, but we'll do it together.

You know how you've always wanted to see me and Eliza in I Eat Pandas but it's always too late (and we know you love your beauty sleep) or on the weekend (and we know you volunteer) or in a theatre that creeps you out (and we know you like clean things)? Well now we've solved all those problems so that you can enjoy what we like to call "The Best Show of All Time EVER" (I'm the only one who calls it that but I stand by it); I Eat Pandas!

Tonight (a Monday!) we're at Mo Pitkin's (clean!) at 7pm (early!) so why not stop on by and check us out? You have no good reason not to? Well I'm certainly not going to give you one!

Monday, May 7th, 7pm
I EAT PANDAS
Mo Pitkin's House of Satisfaction
34 Avenue A @ 2nd Street
$10
Dinner and Drinks available!

God dammit I love you guys. See you tonight.

Love,

Glennis

Trickster

Sometimes I can be a reaaaal stinker, you guys. Sometimes I can be a real jerk! But also, guys, sometimes I can be super hilarious WHILE being a stinker and a jerk and an outright dbag.

Last night I went to see the brilliance that is "Gravid Water" at UCB. My pal Steven Ruddy created this show and I gotta say, guys, it really was awesome. They only do it once a month so go. You must. So anyhooter, after the show we all head to an old haunt of mine called McManus. Yes it's a jaunty old establishment in the heart of Chelsea where I've spent many a night of my youth imbibing pitcher upon pitcher of bud light and feasting upon turkey clubs fit for minimum waged brats. Last night was just like the old days which meant Steven and I plopping ourselves down at a table with a few pitchers and chatting it up. Pretty soon I was drunk. And when I get drunk I like to lie to people. I don't know why but I do.

For Example:

I was standing outside Triple Crown with Eliza and a man walked past. I was drunk. I yelled out to him and his friend "hey! how are you guys doing?" and they stopped to talk to us. I said that my name was Sam. I told them that I worked at the Triple Crown Tuesday and Saturday nights and they should come back and see me. Why did I do this? Because I'm a first class butthead and I love to lie.

So last night we're sitting at the table and I start pouring salt into my water glass. Steven, the perfect side to my kick, didn't say a word when I said, "let's get someone to drink this water." We giggled and looked around the bar but I didn't know anyone in there; it was late and the "normal" people with "responsibilities" and "values" had gone home hours earlier. I thought I'd have to scrap my plan when in through the door walks our old pal Mo.

"Mo!" I shouted. "Come over here!"

I pretended to take a sip of the water, made a fowl face and then said, "this water tastes terrible. Will you taste it?"

Mo looked suspicious prompting Steven to jump in and add, "yeah it tastes weird!"

Mo takes a HUGE GULP of my salty prank water and makes the BEST most hilarious grossed out face ever. I start cracking up a little and he's still with us going, "yeah man this water tastes really bad. where did you get this? you shouldn't drink that." Aw Mo you are the cutest.

Person after person I pranked and it NEVER got old. I even pranked a dude I don't know who kept coming over to Ruddy to quote lines Michael Delaney had said in a Gravid Water show from 2 years ago. Come on, he deserved some salt water in the mouth.

Oh man guys. A real, top notch twat, right?

I guess that's why I woke up with this vicious hangover. You win this time... um... beer. Or wait... salt water. Wait... no wait. God. God won, right? Who the fuck won?

ME.

I won because I didn't end up with a mouth full of salt.

BOKAY?

Have a great day, lovers.

Love,

Glennis

Blog-kay!

Hey guys! What's going on??! How the HECK have you been?

All right let's start from the top here. First of all you can hear my voice on tv for reals, y'all. My voice is the voice of "Can You Handle The Truth" Thursdays on Lifetime!

Bo-KAY?

Also, things with Jem & The Holograms are chugging along. We recorded scratch tracks of the music (all original) the other day and it is fan-fucking-tastic. I don't even know if you guys are going to be able to handle it!

BOKAY?!

Also, my dream is coming true, guys. It's been a dream of mine for like 4 years. You are going to die. Simply DIE! Get this: I get to BARTEND at PLANET ROSE KARAOKE!

BOKAAAAAY!!!!?!

I mean I can hardly stand it. I'll let you guys know when it happens so you can come in and serenade me (if you live outside NY why not call in, request a song and sing it over the phone. Holy Bowie this is going to be awesome.

I feel like I've abandoned my poor blog. I need to keep this up so I'll try to be better. It's cathartic. Or something. Oh and I hate American Idol I don't even CARE who wins (seriously) but America's Next Top Model (wanbeontop?) HELL yes I am into that shit. Natasha, right you guys? Hell yes!

And I'll have you all know that in lieu of going out to do drunken karaoke with co-workers right now I am instead eating Lean Cuisine and drinking (gulp) water. I'm gon be FIERCE, y'all.

BO. KAY!

Oh and bokay is my new favorite word. Let's work that shit.

Have a great day you guys!

Love,

Glennis

aaacck!

MIsipilledsoysauceonmycomputerandnhowmyspacebarandbackstpacekeysdontwork!ORTHEAPOSTRAPHE!AHNOWEVERYTHINGISINCAPS!NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Oh! Hi! Oh!

Eliza and I headed to Oberlin, OH this past weekend (by way of Cleveland! Hooray Cleveland!) for an Improv Conference I Eat Pandas was asked to participate in. Even though I had a cold (which I've now sadly given to Eliza cuz we totes shared a drink, y'all. Jealous?) it was a jam-packed weekend full of adventures out the wazoo!

Let's start by saying I have now done karaoke in almost every single destination I've visited.

LA - check!
San Fran - check!
Mexico - check!
Chicago - check!
London - check!
Oberlin, Ohio - double check!

I actually had the thought on Saturday night that there was probably no way we were going to be able to karaoke in Oberlin because it was such a small town. I mean seriously you guys there were like 3 places to choose from to eat breakfast and one of them had salmon napkins and fake flowers and was located in the lobby of our hotel. (We ate at the Black River cafe our last morning there and DAMN was that place good. Highly recommended!) So we'd been out and had a few beers and I was fading fast due in part to my cold and in part to the bananas dreams I'd had the night before that kept me up but I'll be damned if, upon walking into our hotel and seeing the bar there had karaoke, I didn't perk right up! It wasn't even a question. Like, it actually would have been funny if Eliza and I had said to each other, "do you want to go?" With E and me karaoke is NEVER a question. We had Travis and his lovely wife Melissa with us and they gladly came along to cheer us on. The bar featured a bunch of booths with middle American suburban types and some true characters. My favorite was the 70-year-old man, cowboy hat and all, who sang The Way by Fastball. I know you have no idea what that song is but I swear you do because it was played on the radio in the 90s nearly every 15 minutes. iTunes it so you can hear it and imagine a 70-year-old man (don't forget his cowboy hat) singing this song with a STRONG twang. It was A. Door. A. Bull. Then there was the musical theatre wannabe who sang every song (I Will Survive, some Celine Dion bullcrap and some other technoey sounding song) as if it were a number straight out of Oklahoma. Loved her. Oh and then there was the "thug" who had the BEST made up thug walk I've ever seen. He was a white dude with curly, triangle hair, a wife beater and tats and he sang Paint It Black or something like that. Oh man he was my favorite. Someone tapped him on the shoulder (one of his friends) and he turned around as if he was going to jack their shit UP. God they were all just my favorites and as I told Eliza, we couldn't have cast that shit better if we tried. I sang a rousing rendition of "So Emotional" by WhitWhit and "Alone" by Heart and Eliza sang "Steve McQueen" by Sheryl Crow and "We Built This City on Rock n' Roll" which really does have some of the shittiest lyrics around. "Knee deep in the hoopla"?? Come on dudes... who uses "hoopla" in a song unless you dress in a huge purple elephant costume and carry a banjo?

So karaoke was a blast. Check that off my list, y'all!

Then there was the college party. My first! I never went to college (which came up a lot this weekend - raise the roof!) so I've never really been to a college party! I was very excited and Eliza helped prep me by saying "the carpet will be gross and there will be pubic hair all over the toilet and we'll drink really cheap beer" (or something like that). I could not WAIT. (Sadly, I'm serious.) See, ever since I hit 28 (and proceeded to get into a bar fight) I've been feeling very old. I know, right you guys? I don't look old!! Right!? But seriously, I feel it. Nothing like the most immature act ever to make you feel ancient. So anyway, I felt like the good old college party would give me that jolt of youth I needed! I guess it did? Kinda? I mean it was fun but also kind of weird because we were (as gross as this is about to sound) "the musical improv girls! omgomg!" and it was kinda hard to chill out. Oh god I'm so gross. Sorry, guys. Anyway, I did drink some Pabst AND I peed in a college party toilet! Hollaah! Eliza recounted a hilarious tale on her blog about me saving her from certain doom by lying through my teeth. Check that shit out.

College party. CHECK!!

We did some work while we were there, too, don't get it twisted. We did a show (standing O! Hootiehooo!!) and taught 3, count them THREE, workshops!

My favorite part of traveling with Eliza is hotel room TV because we both get so jazzed to watch Law & Order or any show with the words "Worlds" "Funniest" or "Pets" in them. On Friday night we get back to our hotel room and I turn on the tv while E's in the bathroom. My lucky stars I turn it on right as Intervention is starting and I squeal, "ELIZA GET OUT HERE INTERVENTION IS ON!" She bolts from the bathroom, I turn out the lights and we were captivated. And then we both fell asleep before we could find out if the 4-star chef went to rehab and was rehabilitated. We both kinda lost hope after seeing he'd been in rehab 13 times. Anyone know how it turned out?

And that was my weekend in Ohio. Oberlin is such an adorable school, everyone was AMAZINGLY sweet and we made friends with the other improv troupes (The Neutrino Project's Chicago cast and a lovely group from Austin, TX called Coldtown). I think we can call this trip a smashing success!

Love,

Glennis

The KO Kid

Let's get something straight right from the start, you guys. You mess with my friends and I'ma THROW DOWN. This has been seen in many incarnations. First there was the karaoke night where some dude had the other mic and was singing Eliza's song along with her but loud, drunk and rude.

HELL NO.

I shot up out of my seat, stormed across the bar, GRABBED the mic from his hand and said, "no!" I then let Eliza finish the rocking out SOLO.

Then there was the I Eat Pandas benefit concert we had (to benefit ourselves, natch) at Galapagos in Brooklyn. We had a myriad of performers one of which was the hilarious BH of BeepBoop.org. He was doing his set and a dude back at the bar started heckling him.

HEEEEELL NO.

I shot up out of my chair, stormed across the bar and told him to shut the eff up (or something equally as eloquent) and did he? Yes he did and Birch completed his set UNINTERRUPTED.

There have been other instances I'm sure I'm forgetting and even the Flickr incident of a few days ago, but I really took it to a new level Saturday night.

First, and this does have something to do with the story I promise, I shot something during the day on Saturday where I had to have fake nails. Fake French tips which looked nice but just aren't my style. I also couldn't do shit because I bite my nails down to the nubs. So anyway, I had fake nails Saturday. Let's just put that out there.

So I finished with the shoot at 6pm, met my sister for dinner at 7 and then got a text from Carrie about meeting up for a drink. I was exhausted from running around all day and not getting good sleep the night before but faaaaar be it for me to pass up a drink, right guys? In all honesty I thought to myself, "you should go home" but I never listen to that little voice. Sorry, Oprah!

So anyway, we went to one of my favorite places King's Head Tavern on 14th. We hung out for a while and my sister went home and then two more friends took off so eventually it was just me and Carrie.

We're laughing, we're drinking but we're not drunk and it's turning out to be a good night. At one point we're outside and when we come back to the bar there's a girl sitting in my seat. No biggie... I ask her very politely if I can have my seat back. She moves, no incident, and Carrie and I sit down. Carrie picks up her drink to take a sip and the bitch grabs the drink out of her hand and says, "That's MY drink!" I look at her and say no it's not and grab it back. I mean that wasn't her drink! So she looks at us and at this point it's clear that she is BLITZED and she grabs the drink back AGAIN. Hooooo better step off! So I grabbed it back, she grabbed it again and spills it all over the bar.

And here's where there were two roads I could have gone down. One road had a rickity old roller coaster made out of hotdogs and tape and the other had a field made out of pillows and fat grandma hugs. Which road do we want to guess Glennis chose?

Yeah.

So I stand up, look her in the face and say, "Bitch... I will FUCKING kill you" and without missing a beat she GRABS MY HAIR. HARD.

I mean she pulled my hair! I know it probably wasn't, but it FELT like the back of my head was up against my back. It was that hard. So I mean, come on guys... what am I gonna do? Just stand there and let the ho take & spill Carrie's drink and pull my hair?? Fuck no. So I pull back with every ounce of my strength! We're locked in a true Springer moment and in my mind I'm like "fuck... I need to take her out. I have never fought before... what do I do? Holy shit I can't believe this is happening!!"

Now I mentioned the nails earlier because I'm pulling on her hair and I'm also thinking "I'm going to rip these nails off my fingers. That is NOT GOOD." So in all honesty I was probably not fighting back as hard as I could in order to spare my sweet, delicate fingies.

The bouncer FINALLY comes over to break it up after what seems like an hour of Flava of Love Charm School and I'm in paaaain. I felt like I had whiplash a little bit. The bouncer yells at both of us, "You're Both Out of Here! Now!" And immediately Carrie and I start defending my honor. I didn't do shit! Well, except tell her I was gonna kill her. But he was hearing none of it and I just knew for sure I was going to be booted. Then, the drunk asshole goes, "He pulled my hair!" and points to the bouncer. Wow. She was not only living in wrong world, she was President. So he looks at me and says "Go stand over there, Glennis" and I go with Carrie and my chair and he kicks miss classy out of the bar and from that point on in the night I'm known as the "KO Kid."

The bartender later told me that she was probing the bar with her other hand to try to find something to smash on my head, you guys! Never had I seen someone that angry and belligerent while drinking. The bouncer said she was outside laying on the street crying while her friend stood over her. I felt bad but come on. Bitch pulled my hair!

Funniest part of the night was that she had this shittastick necklace on which was some sort of metal rope thing all twisted in the front like a pretzel. After the fight Carrie says to me, "Glennis I know you're upset but can you ask Auntie Annie if I can get a pretzel necklace with salt?" I lost it. We were laughing so hard. Thank god for humor, right guys!?

So that's my weekend. Am I proud of what I did? Not really. I mean I'm glad I stuck up for myself and jesus christ it wasn't cool at all that she kept taking Carrie's drink, but I should have known to keep my fat, stupid mouth shut. You hang out in bars and you're bound to have drunk people around you. I could have been really hurt and who the fuck knows what people might do when provoked.

All that being said...

I fucking rock.

Have a great day and please let's try not to follow in my footsteps, shall we? (And I wonder why I don't have a boyfriend.)

Love,

Glennis "Scrappy" McMurray

PS - Seriously bitches. Don't mess with my friends. I disowned someone I knew because she said it was gross Liz was eating a stuffed pretzel as she was eating it.

28th Birthday Wig Party

Smashing Success!!


I love birthdays.

Love,

Glennis

It's My Birthday!

Ho Ho Ho! MEEEEEERRRY BIRTHDAY!

Yes, that's right. Yours truly, Little Miss Foul-Mouth herself is 28 years old! That's almost 30! Woooowee, you guys!

Jesus christ it's 2am and I'm still awake.

BUT WHO CARES CUZ IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!

Birthdays for me are like Christmas for kids. On crack. And ice cream. Seriously I love birthdays. Your birthday is YOUR DAY. There are 365 days in the year and only one of them is all yours...why not celebrate the shit out of it?! YOU are amazing and YOU are worth celebrating. Wouldn't YOU agree?

I heard on the news that it's going to be crummy outside tomorrow.

BUT WHO CARES CUZ IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!

The other day I was standing in the subway with my headphones on. A woman stopped to ask me something. Why do people do that when you have headphones on? It happens ALL THE TIME. I am just now remembering this after telling my friend Jenny that I never get stopped because I put my NYer face on. I guess when I'm listening to music I drop the snarl.
ANYWAY
So she comes over to me and says something and I can't hear her, of course, so I take one bud out of my ear and say, "what?" and she repeats herself...

Her: Where is the chocolate?
Me: (That can't be what she said) What?
Her: Where is the CHOCOLATE?
Me: (OMG I'm losing my mind. Is she really saying chocolate?) I'm sorry...one more time?
Her: THE CHOCOLATE!
ME: I am not from here.

She walks away and I look over and see the gray "S" and go "ooooooh. THE SHUTTLE."

Guys, "shuttle" doesn't sound anything like "chocolate."

I'm retarded.

BUT WHO CARES CUZ IT'S! MY! BIRTHDAY!

Have a great day because, after all... yep you guessed it.

Love,

Glennis "Princess Birthday Girl" McMurray


I'm 4.

My Body Never Knew Such Pleasure

Taking a page from the blog-o-Allocco I've started looking up music videos for songs I'm obsessed with. It just adds that certain something, don't you think? Like a finger up the pooper during sex? (Sorry mom...)

Now if you've spoken to me in the past few days I've probably asked you this question:

"Do you know the male part to 'All Cried Out'?"

I've been met with "I've never heard of that song," "I know it but not well" and "get the hell out of my way tardo."

YOU GUYS DON'T KNOW THE GREATEST SONG EVER SUNG BY LISA LISA AND CULT JAM!!?! FUCK YOUR FACES!!!!

God dammit watch the video right now.



Now... if there is someone who knows the male part to this song or is willing to learn it for the purposes of karaoke... EMAIL ME NOW.

I came home today after just having talked to my poor daddy on the phone and was super depressed. I walked in my room and saw my roommate left me a birthday present. I STARTED CRYING! I was so touched and also kinda tired but so so touched! So I'm sitting here on my computer and I decide I need to look up that music video. That the music video for a song I love will surely make me feel better. And you know what? It didn't. I mean it made me sadder, guys. Is that even possible? Lisa Lisa's annoying, nasally voice can make someone SADDER??

So I started chatting with Lynn and ask her the question I've asked everyone (except now that I say it I might not have asked Liz and she, of all my friends, would know this song! She is a pop culture WHIZ! So, Liz the Whiz... DO YOU KNOW IT!?) and Lynn doesn't know it but she listens to the song and even buys it on iTunes at my insistence and then she shows me what might be the most amazing thing I've ever seen with my two perfect eyes. (seriously, my vision is way awesome)

I'm pretty sure everyone and their mom has seen these vids but I haven't and it made me SQUEEL. Please... PLEASE... if you've never watched a single video on my blog stop what you are doing and watch these.

I give you:

The Charlotte Church Show

I call this one: "Thr out togetu brtr do wht u cn."



I call this one: "Dolly Parton just killed herself."



And this final one I call, what else: "They're crying because you WON'T SHUT UP."



Jesus christ! These are GOLD. Charlotte Church you are a first class douchebag. Summerey Summer Fresh with a tube comin' out yer crotch.

I feel SO much better. This is almost as good as the video of Jessica Simpson singing Jewel.

I hope this made your day, too.

Love,

Glennis

Kick-Ass Tunes

I'm just catching up on some of my pal's blogs and the lovely and SUPER talented SJ Alloco posted this video of Carrie Underwood's single "Before He Cheats" and damned if I don't love that song now. Damned if I didn't use my final free song download (last of 50 that I got from my credit card points... thank you INNYC card! All I had to do was go deep in debt!) to purchase that song. Damned if I'm not listening to that song right now!

I grew up listening to country. It's in my bones. I love it. I ain't gonna deny it either. "Friends in Low Places" comes on and DAMNED if I'm not drawlin' right along.

Add this to the list of songs I can not stop listening to lately. No, they're not all country but they're all great:

1. Let's Call It Off (Girl Talk Remix) - Peter Bjorn and John
2. Neon Bible - Arcade Fire
3. The Perfect Crime - The Decemberists
4. Say It Right - Nelly Furtado
5. Glamorous - Fergie (Thanks to miss Kate Spencer for this one!)
6. Who Killed It? - Nas
7. Can't Forget About You - Nas

God how great is Arcade Fire. It took me this long to listen to them! Sometimes I gotta wait until I've listened to everything else in my ipod 500 times before I can allow new music into my ears. Does that make any sense?

Anyway, it felt good to listen to a ridiculous, country, kick-ass song. So thank you, SJ. Hilarious.

And I leave you with the conversation I heard from the dressing room at American Apparel between two sales-chicks.

Chick #1 - I am so bad at reading stuff out loud.
Chick #2 - Maybe you just overthink it and get nervous.
Chick #1 - Yeah. I'm a really nervous person.
(beat)
(beat)
(beat)
Chick #1 - Don't you wish we had a trampoline here?

Have a great night.

Love,

Glennis

PS - If you were on the receiving end of my Evite disaster today I apologize. Evite has seen the last of me. I'm starting a new website called Ecanyoucomeorwhat.com. Stay tuned.

Can't Get Enough

Hey guys!

Here's some more of me if you CAN'T GET ENOUGH! Eliza and I break down the lyrics to the Perfect Strangers theme on AOL's "The DL" here. Enjoy!

(Wait for the ad to finish playing then click on #2 - Perfect Strangers.)

Love,

Glennis

Am I a Lesbian?

Just a thought.

Oh yeah, Happy Easter, assholes.

Love,

Glennis

(I might still be drunk from last night because I'm finding this post HILARIOUS.)

Future Me

Holy crap you guys. Last night something weird happened. I mean, I realize it didn't ACTUALLY happen but... well, just listen.

Ok so I'm doing the Made Up Musical at the Magnet last night just as I do every Friday night. When I walk in John O'D says to me "Glennis... I thought you were in Mexico this week" to which I'm like what? What are you talking about? I went like a month ago! (How I wish I WAS in Mexico this week... sigh) So we figure out that it must have been a miscommunication because I accidentally sent out a mailing list email (want to be on my mailing list? yeahyado! click here, bitches.) that was from like a month ago.. ANYWAY long story. So he misread it and thought I was gone and asked two peeps to play that night for the MUM show. No problem, we all do the show, including the two new peeps, and everything's fine.

Now, if you haven't seen the show, when we go out on stage we usually stand against the back wall while John O'D interviews someone from the audience about where they grew up and that becomes the basis on which our musical is created. So he asked last night "anyone grow up anywhere interesting?" and a dude raises his hand and the house lights come up and the dude starts talking about his home town.

I'm standing next to Eliza and we both at the same time kinda notice this girl sitting in that same row, but about 5 seats away, covering her face. It's one of those "oh god I'm so embarrassed he's talking" face covers but she's so far away I'm not sure she knows him. I'm not sure how it came up but I think Eliza said something about her being a relative or being "me" from another dimension and then I said, "oh my god you're right! She's me from the future!" and Eliza says, "and she can't show her face because of the space/time continuum! And she's here but didn't think YOU'D be here because everyone thought you were going to be in Mexico!"

I mean we're whispering this to each other, staring at her, while we're on stage in front of an audience and John is interviewing someone. Assholes.

But here's the thing... she looked like me. It was fucking CREEPY. Before the show started I looked out into the audience because there was no one in the booth and they were taking a long time to bring us out to start the show. So I looked out and I kinda scanned the audience and said "oh look, there's Kate and Mike!" and then looked a little further to the right and in my head I said, "that girl looks like my sister" except she looked nothing like Kelsey, she looked like me. It was weird but I kinda dismissed it and then they started the show.

So we're back to me and Eliza talking on stage and we were like "holy crap!" and then we did the show and I kinda forgot about it.

After the show we're all at the Triple Crown and Tara (who's in the show with us) says to me, "Hey Glennis... did you have any friends in the audience?" and I said, "yeah, my friend Kate and her boyfriend" and then I ask why and then Tara says "cuz there was a girl out there that looked EXACTLY LIKE YOU" and then Becky Drysdale (who was one of the people who sat in on our show) says, "yeah! Jean and I had a show before the Made Up Musical and we both saw her out there and thought she was you which was why I thought it was strange that you acted like you hadn't just seen our show when I saw you."

SO FUCKING CREEPY!!!

Both Eliza and I go "OH MY GOD YES! WE SAW HER!" and then went on and on.

On my MySpace profile where it says "Who I'd Like To Meet" I write "My doppelgänger" so I think this is probably as close as I'm going to get.

Unless, you know, it really WAS me from the future. But why the hell am I back here!? What could my possible mission be!? Oh my god, guys...how great is this!?

Also, it should be noted that should I come face to face with my doppelgänger or my future me the meeting would look something like this:



Just warning you, future me.

Love,

Glennis

Hip Hop Is Alive

And so am I.

I realize my posts have been less frequent and you can, as usual, thank my job for that. Any mention of blogging in that office and fireworks shoot from their poopers! Poor blogs... they get such a bad rap. They're just trying to let us express ourselves!! Fuck. Also, blogging at home sucks. I have better things to do like play Justin Timberlake and dance around in my underwear. Start the fantasyyyyyyyyNOW.

Any hip hop fans out there? Can we please discuss how great Nas' album "Hip Hop is Dead" is? Please? I got the album when it came out but had to wait until the right time to listen to it. The right time was the past 3 days because honestly I have been listening to it NON-STOP. My favorite song (they're all great) is "Who Killed It?" Is that Nas rapping? Does anyone know? It doesn't sound like him and god...it's SO fucking great. -WELL WHAT DO YA SHEAY?- But I swear to god no one will agree with me. It's just my weird music sense... don't ever hire me to be a record exec, I swear to god. People would be like SERIOUSLY?? You're fired.

My 10-year reunion is coming up in August. I think I'm excited. I'm really not quite sure why yet. What do I think will happen? It will probably be awkward as fuck until the booze starts flowing. Thank god for booze, right?

I had such a glamorous life today. I woke up at 11am, took a long shower, did a voice-over audition, visited Carrie at work (and got a free soda - whatwhat!?), met Kate for her birthday lunch at Pastis, had a LONG leisurely lunch (with wine, thank you very much), accompanied her to her cousin's apartment to walk Luca the Chihuahua then sat at an outdoor cafe and had two Hoegaardens as Luca sat on Kate's shoulder. Silly pup. Now I'm home for a bit then doing a show at 10. Both Kate and I agreed this was the kind of day trust-fund babies must have every day. More like trust-FUN, am I right guys!?

Shit. That's all I have to say! I'm such an asshole.

Have a great night!

Love,

Glennis

PS - I have an awesome new show/project coming up. Stay tuned!! :)

Read It, DumDum!

Oh my god, you guys. Did you know that there are about a million "For Dummies" books out there? Well now, thanks to an impromptu shopping trip to Barnes & Noble on Sunday (after some delicious noodles at Republic with compadre among compadres, Marcy... ew that sentence sounded really boojie) where I was looking for something on starting a business (for DDPP - I know it sounds ridiculous but in the back of my mind I just know we can make something of this little engine). There was a whole table of the books near the business section and the first one I spotted was "Relationships for Dummies."



I of course picked it up and said to Marcy, "har har! I need this!" ...then slipped it in my jacket. I WON'T BE CAUGHT BUYING THAT BOOK. (I'm, of course, kidding. Shoplifting is bad when you get caught and I'm not cool enough not to, though it should be stated that I approve of getting just about anything for free except herpes which should always be paid for.) So after seeing that book I found one on Small Business Marketing which seemed to suit my needs and started to head downstairs to pay when Marcy starts laughing. I rush over to where she's standing and we find this book.


Storms a-brewin!

Amazing. Bipolar Disorder for Dummies. AMAZING! Then, right next to it, I spotted this book:



"Don't take this personally but you don't sound like you know what the fuck you're talking about... mind me asking where you went to school to become a Psychologist?"

I think I'm going to write one called "Karaoke for Dummies" which will include the tips:

* Don't sing a song you only know the chorus to.
* Don't sing Total Eclipse of the Heart because no one will ever sing it better than Glennis. (You don't know GlennisSHUTUP.)
* No one wants to hear you sing Dido no matter how much you "sound like her".
* End big.
* Sell it!
* Two words: O TOWN.

I'm half-way there!

Moving on...

My lovely and wonderful friend Jen is doing a project where, every day for an entire year, she does something that she's never done. That is AMAZING and awesome, you guys! I photographed her and Liz skipping a city block the other day (I was still too tired and sick to participate in the skipping) which was adorable but I've got to say, nothing is more adorable than what she posted on Monday. MAYBE a hamster riding a unicorn. MAYBE that is cuter. I SAID MAYBE.

Final note: I'm eating baby carrots in an attempt to keep from eating baby snickers and I gotta say... nah-so-goo.

Have a great day!

Love,

Glennis

Big Cup of Crazy!

Today I had the first meeting/readthru for what might be the best show of all time. Jem & The Holograms live and on stage and live for your faces with me as Jem/Jerrica singing and dancing and fighting Pizzaz and the Misfits! (Working Title) Seriously it's going to be so FUUUUCKING awesome. But anyway, today we had a meeting and after, Liz, Jen, Amanda and I decided to go get some coffee from the Starbucks around the corner.

We walk in and the girls set their stuff down at the counter near the front door to save our places. I get my coffee but then Liz notices two people getting up from a table nearby with 4 chairs so we gather up our stuff and walk over to get that table. On a chair at the table sat a plastic Payless bag. Wondering if the people who'd just left might have mistakenly forgotten the bag, I looked inside. It was filled with newspapers so I gingerly picked up the back, contemplated taking it to the trash but then decided they might come back for it so I set it on the floor next to our table. Everyone got their coffee and we sat down to discuss the awesomeness that Jem will be.

Out of the corner of my eye I see a woman walk over toward our table. She was totally normal looking. She had brown hair, nice makeup on, very nice clothes...she really was put together. She stops, looks around, picks the Payless bag up off the floor then looks at Amanda and says, "You didn't have to PUT MY BAG ON THE FLOOR!!" Seriously...she yelled. Amanda was all yo bitch step off cuz I don't know what the frriiiig you're talking about so she's all, "I didn't!" and I look at the lady and I'm all yo step off, "I put it on the floor. Sorry, I thought it was trash."

HOHOHOOOOOOO that set her off.

"Trash! You thought it was trash! THE NEW YORK TIMES! YOU THINK THE NEW YORK TIMES IS TRASH!!"

And I was all UH!

And she was all PSSSHHHH!

And then I looked at her and I said, "it's a plastic bag with newspaper in it... I thought it was someone's trash. SORRY." And she holds up a Sephora bag and says, "Would you have thrown this SEPHORA bag away if it had been sitting on the chair??" and I said, "If it had been FILLED WITH TRASH!!" Biiiiitch, please.

So then Crazy walks away and stands in line again to get her drink and I'm all, "WHAT THE EFF GUYS, RIGHT??" to the ladies at the table and they're all GUUUURL What. The. Eff. Highfives.

Then I look at Amanda and make sure crazy can hear me and I say, "She is crazy!" and she hears me and storms over and says "I am not crazy... SOCIETY is crazy. No one talks to each other anymore! We're all emailing and connected to a computer! SOCIETY IS CRAZY!" And I'm looking at Liz with my back to the lady and I'm like WHHHAAAT?!

So I turn to crazy and I say, "Go away now, crazy! Time to go away! Shoo! And byyyy the waaaay you should NOT drink coffee. You need to bring it down. Drop it in. Do some yoga. You are way too uptight. AND YOU ARE CRAZY. STOP TALKING AND GO AWAY." And Amanda's all "it doesn't even matter! Just relax!" And the lady is like "I DO YOGA!" and then she steps back in line.

THEN SHE COMES BACK and this time she's spouting something else and Liz gets UP OUT OF HER CHAIR and goes "do you want to sit down!?! HERE! SIT DOWN!! WE'RE SORRRRRYYYYYY!" Literally yells at her and I am seriously giving Liz the highest high five of all time in my head it was that awesome and all the time this is happening poor Jen is sitting there going "what is going on!?" because she was not there for the initial interaction and thought, when she walked over from buying a delicious Starbucks fruit/cheese plate, we were talking to a friend. A friend called Crazy.

So after Liz yells "SORRY!" at her she goes, "Thank you. That's all I wanted."

WHAT THE...!!!

OhHOHO but it's not over yet. She sits at a table behind us and for the rest of our Starbucks break she's pretty quiet. I noticed Liz keeping an eye on her throughout (should she, you know, pull out a knife and shove it in my head or something Liz would karate chop it out of her hand... we got each other's backs like that) but she kept to herself, reading her trash. Sorry... her NEW YORK TIMES NEWSPAPER.

So we're gettin' ready to go and Liz says, "wait... don't leave yet... something else is going on over there" I look over and Crazy says to us, "I recycle the paper! Also... my purse is GONE!! It was right here on my chair and now it's GONE! And I can't get into my house or call anyone or use my wallet to buy delicious coffee drinks! GONE!"

Now it might sound like I'm making fun of her and that's because I am. Bitch was crazy, y'all!

She calls a Barista over and says, "they moved my bag from the chair and then my purse was gone!" That's about all I had to hear to know we needed to get the eff out of there. I was not about to hang around this Starbucks to be accused of stealing some douchebag's purse. She hung it on the back of her chair and it's possible someone stole it (DID YOU JUST ARRIVE IN NEW YORK!?!) but seriously, we all kind of agreed that it was more likely she ate it or flushed it down the toilet or maybe shoved it up her huge Crazy VAGINA in order to get attention.

I feel sorry for her if she really did lose her bag. I can't imagine losing everything in my purse. There. That's all the sympathy you'll get from me.

BITCH WAS CRAZY.

I kinda wish we'd stuck around to see what had happened but we had places to be and quite honestly I don't trust NY Police enough to not think something bad would come of us sticking around while a lady accused us of stealing her bag.

Just another event proving that crazy follows me 'er I go.

Have a great night!

Love,

Glennis

Alive!

Guys, I'm alive. I did not die from dehydration, nor did I literally puke my guts up through my mouth. Though I did puke through my nose AND get my period while I was going through all of this. I also cried a little bit so I had stuff coming from every orifice except my ears.

I watched so much TV over the past two days it's retarded. I watched almost all of the Iconoclasts series which confirmed that Renee Zellweger is the most annoying person on earth. The one with Paul Simon and Lorne Michaels is awesome (Paul is the most ADORABLE person on Earth). And I, of course, loved the one with Redford and Newman. Hearts. Also, if I have to see another goddamn commercial for the Happy Feet DVD I am going to shoot myself. Every single channel I watched had that commercial!! Oh and King of Queens... not a bad show. I've never really watched it and I gotta say - not bad! (Am I crazy? Was that the fever talking?)

But I think the most disgusting thing I watched was the VH1 show "The Search for The Next Coyote Ugly." The woman who started Coyote Ugly (is that a bar or a type of girl? I'm not sure.) ran a search to find the next hot Coyote Ugly girl. Now I don't really have a problem with dancing on the bar (as we all saw I did it - kinda - in Mexico) or with bar tending or with being sexy or with flaunting it...but this show was like the bottom of the barrel. These girls were just plain sad. Sorry but it's true. I was in the mood for trashy TV but even that was too sad to watch.

I bought "Invincible" on Movies on Demand cuz what can I say, I'm in love with Mark Wahlberg (and have been since "Fear" thank you very much) and I was so drained and tired that I cried at just about every turn. So yes, I think that was a great movie (also it's based on a true story so the tears were DOUBLED).

And I finally saw Brigadoon because it was on Free Movies on Demand and JESUS is that a terrible musical. The accents alone! TERRIBLE! Yeesh.

And that's about all I have to report from the comfort of my bed. I got up this morning to record a voice over for Lifetime (for "Can you Handle the Truth" Thursdays at 8pm! Listen for me!) and it seriously took the life(time) out of me. (heyoo) Exhausted. So now I'll rest a bit more, eat some delicious bread that Liz MADE for me (seriously you have no idea how good this stuff is - also it's about all I can eat right now) and watch a few hundred more hours of mind-numbing television.

Hope no one else caught the virus!!

Love,

Glennis

Oh, What a Night!

Because I've given up hope at ever being seen as "sexy" or "classy" or "a woman" I'll just lay it all out here for you.

Last night was my definition of hell (without anyone having died or been seriously injured).

1. Vomit every 20-30 minutes (like clockwork) from 11pm - 1pm the following day.
2. When nothing is left to vomit gastric juices abound.
3. Why not throw in a massive headache.
4. Because you are vommitting there will be no time for sleep, miss.
5. The thought that you are seriously close to being fired and now can not go into work AGAIN will run through your mind immediatelly after you puke.

And the cake-topper...

6. When you finally stop puking and you FINALLY fall asleep after one of the most terrible nights of your life: you shit the bed. Yes. SHIT. IN. YOUR. BED. Ok, so it was only a little bit and there was no "substance" but guys... I SHIT IN MY BED.

A note to all the men who were thinking of having sex with me at any point in the next ten years: keep walking.

At this point I'm able to keep fluids down so there might be some light at the end of the tunnel. I was seriously close to freaking out since I was so dehydrated death seemed right around the corner. I realize I have no idea what it feels like to be close to death or what it might TAKE to die from dehydration but COME ON DUDES... I SHIT THE BED.

I am lying on my couch now. Thanks a lot, ASS-HOLE.

Have a better day than I am, please.

Love,

Glennis

Hair-ooo

Johnson, I called you into my office because I... Sorry...I'm sorry... but what is up with your hair?


Oh this?? You like it!?


I... It's very... it's much...


Bigger!?! Hotter!?


Not exactly. It's... it's...


Blonder??! HAIRIER!!?!??


You're not even close.


It's FULLER, RIGHT?!? RIGHT!?!? OMGRIGHT!?!


Actually JOHNSON (ahem) I was going to say that your hair looked much...gayer. Like really, really super gay.


Gayer? For realzies?


Like...super gay. So much gayer than it was before.


Gayer?


Gayer.


...Gayer?


SO MUCH GAYER.

...
...



“My confidence level increased
since I’ve been going to GayerHair.
I never knew that even my side burns would look and feel so real.”

GayerHair...


Couldn't your hair be gayer?

(Coming soon our brand new line of porn-staches.)

Inter-Pew

3 Interviews in 2 days and what have I learned about myself? I'm REALLY BAD AT INTERVIEWS.

Someone once said the hardest role you'll ever have to play is yourself (and if no one ever said that then can I get credit?) and jesus, guys, it's totally true. Put a camera on me, ask me a question and I turn into a bumbling idiot.

Eliza and I were interviewed Saturday before out IEP show at Mo Pitkin's by our friend Trish for Indigo TV, a wonderful program on Channel 35, Thursdays at 8. (www.indigo.tv) Eliza stayed cool, calm and collected and I...well let's just say all of my answers turned into a fit of laughter and NONE OF THEM WARRANTED LAUGHING AT. Oh god guys, I was terrible. And in my head I was like "do I look at the camera!? do I look at her!? I'll look at Eliza...wait Eliza isn't talking right now! I look retarded! Look at your hands, Glennis... LOOK AT YOUR HANDS!!" It was ridiculous. They also taped part of our show so I think redeemed myself a little with that. Oh god I hope so. I'M SUCH A TARD!

Then today Marcy and I were interviewed by both Time Out NY on Demand and a Brazilian TV show (thank god the latter will only be shown in Brazil) and I again turned into a damn fool. A damn FOOL I say!

Stinky, Stinky Inter-Pew.

I blame being raised as a mute.

Oh man let's just talk for a second about how much I am enjoying life at this very moment. Sitting in my room alone, stuffing my face with beef gyro, watching Kill Bill Vol. 1. Could there BE anything better? I just danced for close to 2 hours straight (to a sweet mix made by yours truly, thank you very much) at DDPP and made a fool of myself on camera. Don't I deserve a little meat?

NOT THAT KIND OF MEAT, PERVO.

Hope you are all having a great Sunday. I'll tell you when the interviews are out, but honestly wouldn't you rather remember me as the awesome girl I am and not the creep I turn into when asked questions about myself?

Oh one last thing... when Eliza and I were shooting a bit for AOL's The DL I was trying to get people off the street to come over and talk to us (about what the lyrics to the Perfect Strangers theme song mean) and I called to this one guy and said, "Hi! Would you like to come over here and talk to us on camera for a second?" or something to that effect and he said no...then walked a bit further and looked back and said to me, "you are FRIGHTENING."

Sadly, I think he was pretty right on point.

And now, I bid you good night.

Love,

Glennis

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall

WHO'S THE DOUCHIEST OF THEM ALL??

Signs point toooo....


SPENCER PRATT!!!

YAY! YOU WON!!

Now listen, I realize this post is like 4 months too late since the douchiness of Spencer came out a while ago on The Hills, but I'm at home and I'm sick so what better time I ask you?

The douchiness of this guy just never ends. But first let me say I feel a little sorry for him because he obviously put the wrong size dentures in since he has trouble fitting his lips around them.


(Ok that only makes sense if you see him talk...)

And the funny thing is that he's trying to get on the D-List (or trying to get Brody Jenner on the D-List by telling him to fuck every starlet in Hollywood - WHATEVER) and yet when I google image searched his name not-a-one-a-picture came up. PECULIAR! (I was hoping if I searched with the term "douchebag" 200 pictures of Spencer would come up and yet no cigar.)

Spencer once bitched some dude out on The Hills (yes, I am 14 and I watch The Hills, thank you very much) for commenting on his girlfriend Heidi's clothing at work (and honestly I'm pretty sure the guy said something like "I'm not sure that outfit is appropriate for work) and I mean he fliiiipped out. Pushing the guy and shit. Just a total DBAG! And oh boy I can not wait for an upcoming episode when Heidi tells him that she doesn't want to live with him. I can NOT WAIT FOR THA...

Oh my god. I seriously just spent 20 minutes of my life talking about retards from some reality TV show?

Yeah. I did. SUCK IT, BITCHES!

Now I'll pass out for another two hours. Sick. Hack. Cough.

Love,

Glennis

My Gothamist Interview!

Hey wait... here it is!

Aww... I'm retarded :)

Love,

Glennis

PS - Wait, I made that sound like it's just MY interview. It's me and Eliza on behalf of the huge conglomerate I Eat Pandas. We're taking over the world!!

Rock My Shoelaces Off!

Last night, after a looooong-ass day of work and an impending cold (I just sneezed) Miss Erin Rose Foley and I took our fine asses to the Path train, took that fancy old Path train to New Jersey and saw us some friggin Decemberists!!

Now, I've been a fan of them since my ex played Leslie Ann Levine for me in the car in LA. I made him play it over and over about 50 times (literally) on that trip and bless his heart he played it every time. And if you don't know, Leslie Ann Levine is about a dead baby. Awwww.

The show was right off the Journal Square stop at the gorgeous old Landmark Lowe's Theatre. We ventured next door to a Restaurant (& packaged goods...?) next door that was a bar upstairs which we walked through, walked down the stairs and came upon an adorable Italian eatery. Adorable like a rec room from the 70s. Adorable like the cashier didn't say one word to us when he sat us (at a table where the employees stored their crap - jackets, papers, guns). Adorable like everyone stared at us when we walked in as if we were strangers in this place. Well, we were. But honestly the food was great and as I repeated 4 times while eating, cheap. A HUGE loaf of garlic bread for $1.50!?! WHAT!? Where are we, Prague!?!

So after our delish meal, and after getting our tickets, and after buying t-shirts (yes ma'am they are adorable) we sat down and waited for the most adorable of sick and twisted bands, The Decemberists.

Now, if I wasn't in love with Colin Meloy before I sure as hell am now. The man is ADORABLE. In his seersucker suit and his glasses, talking about what a "rocking" band they were in. Joking around when his shoelaces became untied not once but twice that he'd rocked them off. I mean the show was wonderful. The best part was The Mariner's Revenge when the band stood at the foot of the stage and performed the shit out of that song - the drummer bouncing and jigging across the stage. And we got to perform, too! In more than one song he asked for audience participation which you KNOW I loved. During The Mariner's Revenge we were asked to scream when we were eaten by a whale and to our delight a huge puppet whale came out on stage swimming around the band members! (Somewhat like a Japanese Dragon)

I must make this post short because I do indeed have to start my day but let me just say that if you have a chance to see them in concert please don't miss it. I have been unable to go for years because of conflicts in scheduling and damn it...this was SO worth it.

And will you please have a great day? Thanks!

Love,

Glennis

PS - Look out for my I Eat Pandas interview on Gothamist today! I don't know when it will be posted and I'll be away from my computer almost all day!! xoxo