Glennis' Anatomy - Episode #1

SPEC SCRIPT
Glennis' Anatomy
Episode One
Happy Birthday?

Exterior, Office Building, poppy piano music and mouth noises (theme song).


Cut to: Interior, Office Building

Close up on desk in a very very boring law firm. A container sits, unopened.



We cut to the lunch room where the office staff sit eating their lunch.

Inept Boss
(while eating)
So staff. What's on our agenda (AH-gen-doooo)??


Nice, vanilla, middle-america Co-Worker
I think it's Glennis' birthday today.


Mildly Retarded Boss
No kidding! (licks fingers and wipes them on his jacket) Well that's important! We should do something! How old is she, by the way?


Female Attorneys (3)
(in unison)
She is thirty.


Nice Co-worker
No, no I'm pretty sure she's 26 or 27.


VERY serious Female Attorneys
(in unison)
NO. SHE IS 30.


Donkey's Ass Boss
30 it is! Everyone wish her a happy 30th birthday!


Nice Co-worker
(under his breath)
Am I here?


Cut to:

Interior, cubicle in the life-draining law firm.

Glennis sits at her desk staring at her computer.


Cut to, cubile door, suddenly Bill and Barry, her kookie office mates, appear.

Bill & Barry
Hey Glennis! Happy birthday! We got you books!


Cut to: Glennis looking excited that someone remembered her birthday.

Glennis
Thanks guys!


Bill & Barry
You're welcome. Welcome to the 30s!!


Glennis
Aw man! I'm not...

Bill and Barry walk away before she can finish.



The End

Situation Comedy

Good morning!!

Hope everyone had a good night. No one stuck on a tram from Roosevelt Island, where they? Hopefully not. Although you'd have a good excuse to call in sick from work. Right guys? Any excuse is a good one.

Reminds me of a website I used to have called www.MyJobIsAJoke.com with Kirby (of Kirby and Glennis' NY adventures fame. Yes, that one.) We made a website because we both had booooring office jobs (I still do, I think she actually likes her job now.) and all we'd do was IM all day about how much we hated our boring jobs. So we made a website. It featured a brilliant cartoon on the front page with boring tasks such as answering the phone and filing. It was hilarious. Kirby even made this brilliant button you could push when browsing the website that would bring an excel spreadsheet up on your screen just in case your boss showed up mid-browsing. See... Brilliant and Hilarious!

If I remember correctly, we had a section of excuses for calling in sick. Here's what I remember (these have all at one point MAY have been used by someone we know):

1. My laundry was ruined at the cleaners and I have nothing to wear.
2. My friend needs me to help her move out of her apartment. Her boyfriend is really mean and is kicking her out.
3. My bathroom flooded!*
4. My kitchen flooded!*
5. My apartment flooded!*
6. My grandmother died.
7. I slipped in the bathroom on the wet floor and hit my head. Who am I??
8. I got locked out of my apartment while getting a coffee and I still have my pj's on.

*Do not use these within a 12 month period of each other.

God, I know there are more. I mean I could post really out there ones but honestly these have all been used. Not by me. NOT BY ME YOU GUYS.

So anyway, the website was fun and we loved it and we wanted people to look at it so one day, on my day off, I sent out an email to my contact list in Yahoo that said, "hey everyone! because I'm so bored at my booooring job and have so much free time on my hands I go to this website and you should too. Because my job is a JOKE." Fun, right?

Yeah, I accidentally sent that TO MY BOSS. I don't really remember what happened (my body went into shock and i think i blacked out) but I do remember she wrote back saying, "I'm sorry you have so much free time on your hands. We'll talk about that when you get in on Tuesday. That, and other things." Or something along those lines. I was sweating BALLS you guys. I immediatelly IM'd Kirby and started freaking out. But you know what? Nothing happened. I told her that the website was a friend's and she had just given me an email address on there. I said, "I love my job! She created the website as a joke and I just look at it because she's my friend."

GAAAAAH GAH GAH.

Which leads me to the email I got from my mom this morning which said, among other things, "Glennis, you should pitch your life to someone to be a sitcom." Don't I know it, Mom.

Oh and did you guys see Pat Kiernen on NY1 this morning? He's talking about "in the papers" and starts on this case where a subway flasher/pervert got off without any punishment. The headline on the paper was "Subway Jerk Off The Hook." He said, "I wonder if that was an intentional pun." And then paused while the rest of us got it.

And last but not least, American Idol. First of all, what the hell is Kellie still doing on this competition. Did you see her performance last night? That was TERRIBLE!!! She was out of key, off the beat of the music, no emotion... and I LOVE THAT SONG! (she sang "Bewitched." No, not the theme to Bewitched the TV show which goes, "Bewitched! Bewitched! Bewitched, bewitched, bewitched!" Or at least those are the lyrics I gave it when I was little) The old song that goes, "bewitched, bothered and bewildered, am I." I think Simon had it right when he said we could take out bewitched and bothered and just be bewildered.

Also, Chris was amazing last night!

But the best part was that I heard what they were singing and I said to my boyfriend, "I would definitely sing, 'Someone to Watch Over Me' cuz that's my favorite song of all time." And then what does Kat sing?? Oh it was lovely. Except she smiled too much. That's not THAT happy a song. Do they not listen to what they're singing??? Ah well, it was still great that she sang my song.

Phew! That was quite a post!

Not really Freedying anything at the moment. But I do love that Chemical Brothers song, "Galvanize." Pretty awesome!

Peace out, watersprout!

Hooooraaaaay!!

You guys, omg thank you so much for such a fun and awesome birthday party! And for those who could not make it, well it's my fault for either wronging you by not sending an invite (in which case you should have totes just said something cuz you know i love you, silly) or having it on a day when you were out of town/busy.

But seriously birthdays are the best. I wish everyone felt that way. Some people hate celebrating birthdays. Like, come on you guys... it's a celebration of YOU!! And what's better than that?? Easter? Nope. Christmas? NO. NOT EVEN CHRISTMAS.

So did anyone watch NY1 this morning. If you did then you saw our favorite anchor Roger Clark filling in for Pat Keirnen! Is it weird that I'm this obsessed with the NY1 anchors? I think it might be actually. It's ok though. I'm sure Roger would be happy to know there are people out there who appreciate his reporting and his humor. Cuz the dude is fun-nee! Love it love it. And glad they found the cat in that wall.

I'm starting to really want to work out more lately. I think I mentioned before I got a personal trainer. He's so great and if nothing else it's motivating me to work out more. AND he showed me how to run properly so my knees don't hurt! So I went running today and it was awesome how good it felt. Listening to music, running along the west side highway/river. Just amazing. So I want to do this thing called "my running buddy" where I get together with anywhere from 1 - 100 girls (100... in my dreams!) and we sync up a playlist on our ipods and we run together. And if someone gets tired or has a cramp, we walk, but mostly we jog/run and we motivate each other. And Hammy had the great idea to wear matching sweat suits and run all over NY. Which I think is probably the best idea of all time. And then Robyn was all "let's get the Brooklyn ladies together and run then have a picnic!" I mean you guys, I have the funnest friends. I'm doing my first official buddy run on Saturday the 6th at 11am with Miss Lovely Pants Jen MacNeil. We're going to rock it out on the UES. If anyone wants to join, let me know!

And really, all this being motivated is motivation from Sponeill. She has been working out like a champ lately and looks AMAZING. It's so inspiring.

Oh also, I've been watching "The Surreal Life" and I absolutely love Alexis Arquette. What an awesome dude. Tawny on the other hand. Frickin NUTS. And Florence Henderson? ANNOYING AS HECK. (I'm trying not to curse as much anymore. I have a potty mouth sometimes.)

And now, let's check in on my teeth.

BEFORE


AFTER


Seriously I did nothing to alter these pictures at all. Thanks Crest White Strips!

Enjoy the weather everyone!!

Could it BEEEEE?!?!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR GLENNIS!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Ah hello all my lovelies! I love birthdays. If for no other reason than it gives me an excuse to eat a HUGE plate of french toast and bacon and feel not one smidge of guilt. Thank you birthday!!

Also, I came in late today. I mean, I usually do, but today I didn't CARE! Thanks birthday!

I got a bliss spa certificate from my boss so I can get another AWESOME facial (and maybe something else too!)! Thanks birthday!

I'm getting a makeover tomorrow at MAC cosmetics! Thanks birthday!

I am wearing a new birthday dress AND my favorite jacket AND my favorite shoes. Thanks birthday!

Man, don't you guys just LOVE birthdays?? I do. I especially love making a big deal out of mine. What can I say, it's my nature.

And now some depressing news. 4 people asked me yesterday if this was "THE BIG BIRTHDAY." FUCK! Liz thinks they meant my "super sweet 16." Phew!
UPDATE: ok seriously what the hell is going on. One of my bosses just gave me a gift and goes "welcome to the 30s!!!" WHAT IS GOING ON!?! Do I look 30??? I don't even know what 30 looks like. If one more person says I'm 30 I'm going to freak out. MORE. I'm 27 EVERYONE!!!

End freaking out.

See you tomorrow night!! Party night!!


Freedying: Crazy by Gnarls Barkley
New Product my boyfriend Duane told me about: Olay Body Shower Lotion (or whatever it's called). The one in the yellow bottle with Shea butter. Smells awesome and really works!

DDPP Love

Oh man you guys, I am having trouble writing this post because I'm feeling so much awesomeness right now!!

This past Sunday, Dance Dance Party Party was realized to it's utmost potential when, while dancing to a mix provided by the fantastic Robyn Sklaren, 15 girls spontaniously synced up to what seemed like choreographed arm movements while singing at the top of our lungs "Greased Lightening! Goooo Greased Lightening!" It was like those magical moments when everything is perfectly planned out without being planned out. Improv I think they call it. It helped that everyone WAS an improviser or performer of some sort. But I like to think if some accountant wandered in to our little mix they'd feel the love and excitement and would have no problem abandoning all inhibitions and Vogueing with us.

Did you know Katina can do the splits?? We found that out when we formed a circle and started to, one at a time, go in the center to do "our move."

I don't know about you but when those circles form on a regular dance floor I feel like going in there will mean certain death as I don't know how to a) break dance, b) belly dance, c) high kick or d) krunk. But this time I felt completely at ease. I think we were all thinking the same thing "oh god what are we going to do?" until some brave girl walked in, did a little jump and walked right out and we all WENT WILD WITH APPLAUSE FOR THEM. It was as if they had just sprouted wings and flew out of the circle. Everyone started to go in and do their move. It resulted in The Worm from Marcy, break dancing from Jen Schatz, a yoga pose from Robyn and... as I previously stated... splits from Katina. I went in and did a push up... or half a push up as I have absolutely no upper body strength at all but no matter what happened everyone laughed and applauded and it was amazing.

I just don't ever want this madness to end!! I look forward to DDPP each week more and more. And the more ladies that come, the more fun it is. And the more we make mixes the more we realize that the theme from The Jeffersons is actually a pretty valuable dance song and should in fact be played in all the clubs at this very moment.

GOD I LOVE DDPP SO MUCH. Thank god for my bestest friend Marcy and the fact that we have to dance no matter where we are when we hear a great song.

Oh! And I guess there was another pretty neato part on Sunday. A photographer from Time Out NY was there taking pictures for an article they're doing on it. Now, Marcy and I haven't been contacted about what the article is going to say, so I have a feeling it might have some incorrect stuff or not be exactly what we're going for... but oh well... press is press. The photographer was Blown Away by what we were doing. She was so cute taking our pictures and then asking if she could stay and watch for another song or two. (look for the article in the "chill out" section of this week's Time Out... coming out tomorrow... my bday! wow!)

So now I'm going to have a design/logo made for it and then we'll work on some sweet t-shirts. I'm telling you right now, this is gonna be huge. But no matter how big it gets, I swear to god it will still feel like just 15 girls in a room together cheering each other on as we walk like an egyptian.

HEARTS HEARTS HEARTS

Glennis

My Part Time Lover

You guys, I have a confession. I've been seeing someone on the side. Now before you judge me just listen. He's so awesome! He takes my needs into consideration first and he's Always got what I need. If I'm feelin' pain he eases it. If I'm hungry or thirsty he quenches it. Pretty much any desire I have, he's there.

That's right, my Easy Lover is...

Mr. Duane Reade

God you guys, my hearts all a twitter just thinking about him! Those isles! His scent! It drives me MAD! I could literally spend hours inside him and not get tired. RRREOW!!

The other day I was all, "oh man am I getting fine lines around my eyes?" First Duane told me NO. Then he recommended I use Neutrogena's Night Time Eye treatment, because, "it's never too early to take care of yourself, gorgeous!"

Oh DUUUUUUANE!!! (twitter!)

As I was leaving him last week, I coughed. He was concerned I might be "coming down with something" so he gave me some nyquil, OJ, tissues and a trashy mag. DUANE YOU KNOW ME SO WELL.

I seriously hope Duane isn't cheating on me. If I found out he was seeing another lady on the side... well, I just don't know what I'd do. Duane is my life!

Later tonight I'm meeting up for a rendezvous with him. He has this new lip gloss he thought would look amazing on me and GET THIS... he has TAMPONS for me! Come on girls, tell me you're not jealous of THAT!! It takes a pretty strong man to get tampons for his woman.

So anyway, I just wanted to let my secret out of the bag. I'm pretty hungry now, I think Duane's downstairs waiting with some Soy Crisps and an OJ. (read: snickers and coke)

Have a great day!

Love,

Glennis Reade (forevaaaaaa)

No Matter How Hard You Try

So as we all know, I work in a pukey law firm to pay my bills. And I do find this law firm especially pukey not only because of the people that work here, but for the simple fact that it's eaten my soul in just 5 short years.

Irregahdless.

My firm is filled with the sort of people you might find, oh, in law firms, but of the especially douchey variety.

We have an intranet that holds all our company info where each employee must have a picture and their work information. It's not fun, but it's required (in fact, if an emaployee's picture is not posted on the intranet a few days after they start the phone starts to ring and people start to complain. IT'S THAT IMPORTANT).

But still.

Two new employees started last week and I sent their pictures to the Tech department so they could be posted online. The tech guy sent this email back:

These pictures are not very flatering. I cannot in good consious post these for everyone in the Firm to see. Could you please have these pictures retaken at your earliest convienance. Thanks

Wow! Seriously???

The dude is a TECH guy and he felt the need to comment on these poor women and their ugo OFFICE PHOTOS. Now I've seen the photes. The women just look that way. Honestly, there's nothing that can be done and they're not even THAT bad. I mean, they're not going to win beauty pageants but I doubt they're trying.

AND ALSO, YOU'RE JUST A TECH GUY!

I didn't write back and instead fwded the email to my boss who said, "Is he for REAL???????" Ha. Then I told my other boss and she goes, "Can you just fiddle with them in Photoshop a little?"

It's like Liz said, "It's as if everyone is saying, 'We all agree these women are ugly, Glennis. Now GET ON BOARD.'"

And my sister pointed out something.... what are we going to tell these ladies? Sorry, we have to retake your photo. The IT guy thinks you're ugly.

Shit man, it's depressing enough having to work in an office without the Tech guy judging your looks. What a shit.

Just for kicks I looked at his intranet picture and he's a bonafied GEEK. That was mean but I really need you to hate this dude. Ok he's not just a geek, I kinda love geeks... he's a bitter geek. You can see it on his face. Which just makes me feel bad for him and for reporting this whole story.

But, like the news, I must report all sides of the story.

This just goes to show that now matter how hard we try to deny it, people are ultimately just a bunch of douchebags.

Teething

First of all, I have to report that because of the NY Lotto commercial running with me in white-face and my teeth looking like crack-whore/ash tray/toilet bowl, I decided I needed to whiten my teeth. So I bought one of those at-home whiteners... Crest Whitestrips I think it was. The 10 day kind. So you're supposed to wear the little gelly strips on your upper and lower teeth for 30 minutes, two times a day.

My innitial concern was when putting the strips on. I got a little of the gel on my fingers and thought nothing of it. The directions said my fingers might turn a little white so I just let it lay. Then about 10 minutes later my fingers started to BURN. Now I don't know if you have ever had the pleasure of getting bleach on your skin, but my mom used to be a hair stylist so I've had a ton of contact with bleach and, yeah, that was about the same feeling. I went and washed my hands off and the burning eventually stopped. And then, because I'm Glennis and I'm brilliant, I took off that set of bleachers after 30 minutes and put on a new set. It did say you could do that. But I also thought I read NOT to brush your teeth after bleaching. I'm not sure why that would have been the case but I thought I read it. So I did not brush my teeth after bleaching.

I woke up this morning in PAAAAIN. Wow, my teeth really hurt you guys. I'm kind of freaked out that they're gonna fall out or start to develop holes or something of the sort. I re-read the instructions and it said do not brush your teeth BEFORE doing the strips. So there's that. I think I have to hold off on the remaining 9 days. This is only day one! Gah what is wrong with me. Anyone else had a similar experience or are my teeth going to fall out of my head?

But the real reason I wanted to write today is because I had the most adorable moment on the train yesterday. I got on the uptown 6 to go to therapy so I only had to go one stop. I was standing in front of a stroller with an adorable little boy in it. The doors were taking forever to close so I started waving to the boy... he couldn't have been more than 1 1/2. So I'm waving and he's waving and I start crossing my eyes and he giggles and I smile and he smiles and I'm all, "damn that is a CUTE little kid! So cute!" and he's all, "this chick is FU-HU-NEE!" and the little boy is holding a water bottle and he gets so tickled by my funny faces that he lifts his hands over his head and DUMPS the contents of his water bottle all over his head.

So I make a "oopsie daisy!" face and start to smile. The kid is having NONE of it. He doesn't cry or laugh... he just sits there with this, "wha...wha... WHHHAAA? How COULD YOU? I thought we were friends! What is so funny?? Are YOU ALL WET??"

Literally for the remaining 5 mins I was on the train he sat there and GLARED at me as if I'd caused this unfortunate mess. It was the most adorable thing I have ever seen in my life.

Oh except a puppy falling in a bowl of milk. OMGOMGOMG

Oh and can I just state for the record that the previous two songs I said I was Freedying, I was not actually Freedying because, although I was listening to them a lot, I did not have that urgent, "I NEED TO HEAR THIS SONG NOW!!" feeling.
I am, however, Freedying: Big In Japan by Alphaville
Holy cow that song is stuck.

and let's not forget...

Birthday Birthday, oh Birthday

I always feel like it's a no-no to say anything about my birthday coming up until my dear Kirby's has come and gone (tomorrow, Happy Birthday Kirby DAWGIE!!!) but you know what? This year my birthday is just too exciting.

Every year I have my birthday at a karaoke lounge in the city and every year a great many friends show up to sing, drink and be merry. And every year, for the past two or so years, I have had people design t-shirts. The first year I actually think I designed them along with the help of some friends. But last year I just provided the shirts and markers and let people have at it.

This year I am stepping it up a notch. I AM PRESENTING MY BIRTHDAY T-SHIRTS IN SPARKLING LIVING COLOR BECAUSE, MY FRIENDS, I, GLENNIS MCMURRAY, HAVE PURCHASED...

A BEDAZZLER!!!
(thanks Tanna from the Apprentice!)


I can see it all now. Amazing t-shirts, fun, laughter, singing, bedazzled body parts... oh it's NOT TO BE MISSED!

And now, I present my favorite designs from years past. Enjoy!

I just don't know how one picture could be so adorable.


Liz made my name into the word "Slut." Strangly I was not offended by this.


Maggie had a two parter. This was part one...


And of COURSE this was part two...


Eugene turned it up a notch (I still have this design at home)


Eliza was one of the only ones the first year to make her own. Trailblazer!


Will did an AMAZING likeness of me. He thinks I'm so skinny!


Shelly took it to the next level by incorporating my favorite pair of shoes. Now that's detail!


Kate made it look like she'd bought the $2 t-shirt at Saks. And made my name into a catch phrase. (people are still saying it!)


Would a BEDAZZLER bring down the lousy factor, Cara?


Lynn can't draw, but she can mystify and delight.


And my favorite...Dave looking sad and lonesome without his puppy.


If you are reading this and have not been invited and want to come, email me! Free pizza, Glennis, karaoke, Glennis, beer, Glennis, BEDAZZLER, GLENNIS! What more could one party need???

Toss My Salad

I don't know what it is about those "we'll toss your salad" places, but when faced with a bowl of lettuce and unlimited ingredients/dressings I become a blabbering mess! I simply can not think. What do I like? Do those two things go well together? Is that too many different types of cheese? Will that dressing compliment the different cheeses?

It's Simply TOO MUCH!

I end up with salads consisting of cheddar cheese ("I love cheeseburgers... right?") and chick peas with red wine vinegar dressing.

THAT IS NOT A GOOD SALAD GLENNIS.

So then I go the exact opposite... corn, mushrooms, beets, chicken, avocado, sprouts, broccoli, carrots, asparagus, black olives, feta cheese, artichokes and onions. With italian. ("Wait, I hate Italian... why did I get Italian! Too late... he's pouring it on... oh god.. NOOO!!! He just put TWO SCOOPERS OF ITALIAN!!! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDD NOOOOO!!!!!!")

Besides the fact that the salad resembles chili and costs $15, it's actually pretty terrible. Oh wait, so it's ALL AROUND TERRIBLE.

I used to have a few "go-tos" that I knew I loved. One was grilled chicken, cheddar (again, cheese on a salad is NEVER a bad thing), broccoli and sprouts with Asian Sesame dressing. Then I ate it almost every day for a month (as I'm apt to do with most things I like) and got so sick of the dressing I couldn't even smell it.

**Side Note: I should mention that I don't eat salads for their health value. I just really enjoy the mixed up/small bite quality salads present. I also enjoy a lot of different tastes in one meal. And I don't like to cut stuff up.

The other go-to had grilled chicken, blue cheese, walnuts and cranberries. How exotic! I usually put balsamic. But again... even thinking about eating walnuts cranberries and blue cheese right now is making me gag.

So what is my deal. Why is it so hard for me to decide and more importantly...WHY DO I KEEP GOING BACK?

Holler if you hear me people.

Freedying: Cubicle, by Rinocerose (that song from the new ipod commercial with all the album covers. I LOVE it.)

It's ON

OH. MY. GAAAAAAAAAWD.

SUDS IN THE BUCKET!?!

SUDS! IN! THE! BUCKET!!?!

Oh Sniffie Dickler you have DONE IT THIS TIME.

Ok I have to calm down people. I am all RILED UP!

Last night Kellie Pickler proved that she could stand up on stage and kill baby deer (i believe they're called fawn) and as long as she said, "oops! i'm SAAAARRY!! I'm SAAAARRY Y'all!!" when the judges snarked at her, America would vote her through.

AMERICA!!! COME ON!!!

I mean I'm not really surprised that America loves the dumbest contestant, considering who our president is (oh yes I did), but COME ON. THE CHICK can't even sing! She is vapid and dead behind the eyes when performing and not an ounce of passion... and can I just reiterate...

SUDS IN THE BUCKET!!!!


Ok now that was bad enough (I watched Tuesday's episode last night), but then the elimination episode comes on. And I don't even know what to say. My Katharine McPhee is in the BOTTOM TWO. WHAT the mother loving god is going ON HERE?!

I'm telling you this right now. If Kellie "Nose" Pickler wins I will boycott the entire American Idol institution.

I'm sure I'll make a HUGE impact.

Also, someone asked me if I was actually VOTING. Come on... I HAVE A LIFE!

Oh yeah and I'm sad Lisa left but come on... the girl is 16. She's got like 4 more years until she's too old to do anything with her life. (sob)

Now let's recap what I hate about each contestant and we'll conclude this American Idol slam fest:


EWWWWW. Seriously, this is the kind of guy who in high school would get drunk at a party and find you (the only girl there without vomit in her hair) and be all, "wow you are so beautiful and I think I'm falling in love" and then he'd sleep with you and never call you. TELL ME I'M WRONG.


Aww, Bucky I have nothing against you. You share a name with one of my favorite friends! But seriously, the fact that there is another dude out there that shares the exact same face creeps me out a little bit. For some reason I start thinking about X-Files.


Chris. Oh Chris! You had me at "put my music career on hold to marry the woman I love and adopt and raise her two kids from another man." And then you sang CREED.


Elliot, I have nothing bad to say about you! I mean once you have a little time and cash I'm sure you'll get those teeth fixed. And now that I think about it, I think you are a very underrated performer. You've got this whole Justin Timbalake thing going on and me likey. Now that I think about it... Elliot might just win this thing.


Oh Katharine. OOOOOH Katharine. I realize her song wasn't the best on Tuesday (she sang "The Voice Within" originally sung by Christina Aguilera) but come on... she sounded pretty darn good! I mean Christina is amazing, so there's really no topping that, but she was pretty good. Next week is Country... come ON Katharine, do it up!! She should sing, "Broken Wing" by Martina McBride... although I'm pretty sure Carrie Underwood sang that last year. Oh my god, I'm such a nerd.


Here's the thing about Kellie. If I met her in real life I'd probably like her. She seems nice and, assuming I met her before the show got to her and effed her all up, I'm pretty sure I'd be like 'mmmkay, not my favorite person but she's an ok gal.' But here's the other thing. She sang SUDS IN THE BUCKET.


I'm on the fence with this one. She kinda lost me last night with her Jesus song. But I really honestly think anyone who can break through the tiny young cute mold on a national television show deserves respect. Especially with all the effed up girls there are out there when it comes to weight. But honestly, she should not wear those pants she wore last night. The girl looked about 10 times bigger than she probably is. And now I feel like shit for saying that. And another thing, I had a long conversation with my friend Colleen about this over dinner.... would America love her as much if she wasn't that big? She's completely non-threatening... as is Pickler (because of her moron thing) and I honestly think that's why America likes them. Thoughts?


I think Paris is INSANELY talented and she's only 17. But not my favorite. I'm not sure what will get this girl kicked off the show so I think she's a strong contender.


Taylor sometimes looks like he's mildly retarded when he's singing and like he has to poop. But other than that he's great!

So there you have it. The only American Idol opinions that matter. If you don't agree with me, beat it.

Also, I'd like to start a new tradition at the end of my posts where I post the songs I'm freedying at the moment. (I don't want that slang to die out!)

Freedying: Ya Mama by Pharcyde

Have a great day!

Some Quick Observations

Observations, by Glennis McMurray

1. What's the deal with airline food?

2. Does anyone else think Barry Manilow looks like a fully grown Progeria baby?

3. I need to cut my bangs!!

4. NY1 reporter Roger Clark is my favorite reporter ever. He has to report on stuff like the Transit Strike and Roller Derby girls not having a place to skate and he's always super sarcastic about it. I LOVE IT.



5. I can't stand the commercial for some car company where 4 woman are trying to be very "Sex & The City" while having brunch. Do you know which one I'm talking about? It drives me nuts every time it comes on!!

Woman 1: He takes me to the theatre.
Woman 2: And you LOVE the theatre.
Woman 3: He takes me to the airport.
Woman 4: That's huge!
Woman 2: Sometimes he just takes me home at night and jerks off in the corner to pictures of Roger Clark.
Woman 3: Oooooh guuurl. (everyone laughs)
Woman 4: Fart

I HATE THAT COMMERCIAL. The part that gets me is the "oooh gurl." BARF BARF BARF (see, everyone loves Roger Clark!)

6. I just had the funniest memory of my friend Maggie Kemper doing a short film where we thought the world was going to end and her character didn't want to die with hairy legs so she shaved them (in the dark) and cut herself about a thousand times. SO FUNNY!!

7. I looked for that kid this morning to buy him breakfast but he wasn't around. Maybe I embarassed him.

8. My boss is taking a car service to a luncheon today from 42nd and Lex to 45th and Broadway. The car service will cost around $60.

9. Have you seen those commercials where that kinda creepy woman talks to you about "your unsightly belly fat caused by stress" and how Cortisol can help you? Yeah I never believed it either. But check this article out. Maybe I'ma get me somma dat!

10. The winner of the "name it get a dollar" contest has been decided. And the winner is...... drum rollllllllllllll.....da da da da daaaaa.... LIZ BLACK! Yes, Liz is the winner of One Dollar (and no cents) for her suggestion of "The Sugar Beats" for my DJ crew name. Thanks Lizard!

Have a great day everyone. Help a homeless person. (I'm going to volunteer in a soup kitchen so if you're interested in joining me, lemme know, yo.)

Love,
Glennis

Big Old Softie

So as I walk around NY, I often see homeless people and if I have $ to give them, I usually do. Not always, but usually. (Unless I'm berating them for crusifying lesbians on the 7 train... right Gregor?)

I often walk through the underpass by Bryant Park that goes from 6th to 5th Avenue and, when doing so, have often seen a really young kid (probably no more than 21) sitting looking really sad with a sign that says "Hungry."

Now I usually give him a few bucks. I have an especially soft spot for young people and old people. Really any people on the street. In my mind they're not doind this by choice. In my mind they appreciate every little dollar. In my mind they aren't hooked on drugs and if they are, it's not their fault. And if I can do something to help, then I'll try.

So does this make me a big old dum dum? And if it does, does it matter??

So this kid...his name is David. I saw him again this morning on my way to get a $3 cup of Starbucks. The last time I saw him I didn't have any $ to give him but in my head I said, "the next time I see him I'm going to buy him some food and see what his deal is." So I did. I got him a piece of banana bread from starbucks and I stopped and gave it to him and said, "hey." He kinda looked up and was shocked that someone was talking. He said hi back. I said, "so what's going on? Do you need something more than food right now? I mean, I know you do, but something immediate? That I can help you with?" He said he was looking for a job. Now listen I KNOW, that's what I would say too. I put myself in his shoes and I said, "what would I say if some naive looking blonde came over to me and offered to help." I think I'd say I was looking for a job. He said he had an interview at starbucks last week. Well, that's good. I said, "do you have somewhere to live?" and he said he sleeps in front of the Times Square Church.

I should also mention that as walking down to the 7 train the other week I saw him. A bunch of Police Officers in training, around 5 of them, where walking a few feet in front of me. They saw him and his "hungry" sign and started cracking jokes, "THEN EAT MAN! HUR HUR HUR!!" "Yeah, go get some food!" Wow, hilarious. Future NY's finest cops. I'm proud.

Guys, this kills me. Especially after seeing Oprah (see, I really am a big old dumb softie) where she covered the homeless situation in America and said a HUGE percentage of us are about 2 paychecks away from living far below the poverty level or actually becoming homeless. And once something bad happens you really only have one chance. Think about it. You are living paycheck to paycheck and you lose your job and all the sudden you have bills to pay that are already overdue and mouths the feed and before you know it you're out on your ass because you have no family to fall back on.

No this would not happen to me because I know I have family that would take me in.

But what if I didn't?

Can you imagine?

So anyway, I'm writing this because I want to get feedback. What should I do for this kid? What CAN I do for this kid? And if you have a soft spot like me, he sleeps in front of the Times Square Church so if you eat in that area and have leftovers I'm sure he or someone over there wants them.

Also, this isn't so relevant now that the weather is warming up... but in the winter if you see someone on the street and it's way too cold for them to be out there you can call the Bowery Residence and they will pick them up and take them to where it's warm. 212-533-5151 (thanks Terry)

Thoughts?

KICK PICKLER

This story about a girl found after 10 years is amazing!

Well it's finally happened people. Kelly Pickler has broken the camels back. She is officially out of the hearts of America (me) and there is no turning back. NONE, you HEAR ME!!?

Last night on American Idol, Ryan Seacrest was going over what the judges had said about each performer the night before after they performed. He got to Kelly and said, "Simon said you were Ballsy and Bold" (or something like that) and Kelly goes, "huh!? What's a BALLSY??"

Not even the audience was on board with that one.

The night before she had said again "what's a Mink?" after they repeated that Simon had called her a, "naughty little MINX." She goes, "I thought you were calling me a jacket!"

So you know what a Mink Jacket is but not a Naught Little Minx and not Salmon? AND NOT BALLSY???

COME ON YOU DUMB, DUMB GIRL!!!

God I'm sorry people, I don't know why this gets me so riled up!?! But it really does! I want to bust her in the nose! GAAAH!

In other news.

Hmmm... is there other news?

No there is not. The only news is that I can't stand Kelly Pickler and her stupid act.

Disclaimer:
I am not saying I hate dumb people. I know and love a lot of dumb people. MYSELF! Haha, no seriously I kid. If I thought for a second she was sincere I would probably be on the Pickler bandwagon. But I don't. And neither should you. WHY DOES THIS EVEN MATTER?!?! I need to do something serious before I completely lose my mind. Table tennis anyone?

Summation

I don't feel like a full post so I will summarize:

V for Vendeta - A for Awesome
Punkrope - FUN-krope (and HARD-k...rope...um... it was really hard but SO FUN. www.punkrope.com)
American Idol - Katherine you are A for Amazing (can I use that again?)
NY Lotto - Finally saw my commercial during American Idol. I look RIDICULOUSLY CRAZY AND SCARY! I hope your babies don't see it. They might cry.
Trader Joe's - a bit anxiety inducing (long lines, so many choices, LONG LINES) but thank god I had Liz with me and she talked me down. I got 3 frozen meals, tofuti cuties, microwave oatmeal, cereal, large thing of milk and rice for $22. I know, great shopping list. I WAS ANXIOUS!
Keihl's - they give you FREE SAMPLES! Of whatever you want!
Working out - is going really well. Oh my new goal is to be on the cover of some fitness magazine. Why are you laughing.

Hope you had a great weekend too!!

Name it, Get a Dollar

I need a name for my DJ crew. Three girls, we're all super super SUPER HOT, we're going to wear crazy costumes and be crazy like Courtney Love without the coke, we're going to play everything under the sun as long as it makes you dance, and also we're SUPER HOT.

So what should our DJ Crew name be? This will go on flyers, our website, t-shirts, tattoos, people will probably name their babies after us when they get so hot from dancing they MUSTHAVESEXRIGHTNOWSCREWTHECONDOMS!!!

So this is very important.

My DJ Name is still DJ Sassy Mollassy. One of the girls is DJ Ditzy Do. And the other is yet to be named.

Any and all suggestions are welcome.

(Keep in mind we don't take ourselves seriously so nothing like DJ Spinners or Phat DJs or Happening DJ Party. Actually I like that last one.)

Thanks, my loves!

Oh also, whoever wins gets a dollar.

You heard it here first

I'm going to go on record and say Katharine McPhee is going to win American Idol.



What can I say. I'm obsessed.

(with the shoooooooow)

Special girl, real good girl

Here I am sitting at work at 8:32:05 am, wondering what to write about. Two things caught my attention this morning. First the ride up in the elevator when a young girl of my "type" in corporate garb was blasting 'Vivrant Thing' by Q-Tip (of A Tribe Called Quest fame) which is one of my all time favorite songs that I could listen to over and over and never get tired of. The beat and rhythm along with Q-Tip's awesome voice keep me dancin back for more. But anywhozelbums.

The song was so loud from her headphones I could hear every word and my initial reaction was to catch her eye and start mouthing the lyrics so we could have an, "I feel you sister, we're in the saaaaaame corporate boat to hell. I mean elevator." moment. But then one of the partners in my firm stepped on and my hopes were crushed. I MUST BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY HERE, PEOPLE. (which leads me to my triple life theory which I'll get to in a second) So we ride the elevator up to the 5th floor where my elevator dj gets off. The partner imediatelly turns to me and with utter disgust and judgement in his voice says, "That girl has HEARING ISSUES. People are so incredibly RUDE." I kinda looked down and nervously half-laughed, hoping he hadn't seen the teeny tiny head bops coming from my corner of the box. WHY DO I EVEN CARE. I don't know, but I do. I mean, really... what's he going to do. Come tell my boss that I was enjoying someone else's music? What a terrible thing. (A terrible. A terrible thing.)

Ok so now my triple life theory. I lead three lives. The life at work. The life outside of work. And the life in front of my therapist. The lift at work is super serious, very boring, scheduled, regimented. The life outside of work is sometimes harried, fun, crazy, sleepy, eaty, good. The life in front of my therapist is a mix of both. Let's get down to business and work this shit out without the super-serious work mode in place. Also, everyone should be going to a therapist. AMAZING. Did you know it's not just for crazy people? It's for New Yorkers.

One more thing I was thinking about this morning: Gretchen Mol. What happened to that girl? She was all set to be the hot new girl when she starred in Rounders in 1998 and then she kind of dropped off the map. Right? I mean she did a bunch of movies and has been working since then but really nothing too big (aside from "The Shape of Things" which I never saw... was it good?). Anyway, so now she's starring in "The Notorious Betty Page" which I'm pretty excited for. Hoping it will be great. I think she's a great actress... but again I'm remembering from way back in 98 so I guess I could be wrong? I don't like a lot of things I liked in 98.


Luis, it's not 98 any more. Get to steppin.

Oh god wait, I have to talk about something else. Kellie Pickler (American Idol, people... watch it).


The girl drives me up the WALL. Listen, I know America loves her and she's adorable and yes I agree she IS adorable at times. At first I loved her! But come on. The whole act is really driving me nuts because that's just what it is. I'm sure the girl mistakenly said something that sounded cute and ditzy and the producers were like "do MORE OF THAT!!!!" So now she's workin the whole Jessica Simpson thing.

"I had a new food today. Calamari!" (ok fine, I can see someone not having had that before. I had never had it before I moved to NY.)

"I had a new food today. Today I ate SaLmon." (You're from the country and you don't know that the L in salmon is silent? Don't Salmon COME FROM THE COUNTRY??? Also, you have a southern accent... the "L" would be less pronounced.)

"I have new eyelashes today!! They feel like spiders!" (referring to her fake eyelashes) Ryan Seacrest, "don't you have arachnaphobia?" Kelly, "yes! i am afraid of insects! isn't that what that is? hehehe!!!" (OH MY GODDDDDDDD.)

(After Simon calls her a 'Naughty Little Minx') "I'm a Whuut? I'm a Mink! Yee Haw!" (Ok she didn't yee haw. But god damn the girl is driving me BANANAS!!!!)

I just told my friend Brittany that she reminds me of her. NOT in those ways but in her manerisms. So if you read this Britt, that's what I meant.

Aaaaand I feel better.

It's hard out here for a pimp.
It's hard to walk with a limp.
This sauce is hot on my shrimp.
Shirley Temple was known for her dimp.
I feel like I work for a chimp.
In the 80's my hair I would crimp.
That big girl looks like a blimp.
When I get paid I won't have to scrimp.
I said it's hard out here for a pimp.

PEACE!

Lights, Camera...Extraction!

Good morning lovelies!

Hope you had a better weekend than I. Actually, my weekend wasn't that bad, just a lot of time spent in bed desperately trying not to get sicker than I already was for fear of not having a great final show (I Eat Pandas, yes indeed our Under St. Marks run is over). I did, however, feel well enough to venture out on Friday for my 2nd facial of all time.

I received a gift certificate from my bossyboss for Christmas from Bliss. I love Bliss but their prices are just so very bananas it takes a lot for me to actually go there. Like a gift certificate.

Well can I just tell you, the facial was amazing. I need to get those more often. Not only because they are amazing and relaxing (and oh the amazing smells! so freaking great!) but because when the facialologist or whatever you call them said to me "we're going to be doing a LOT of extraction" I thought, "hey no problem" but when said extractions were actually perFORMED I realized just how BADLY I need to get facials. It was like... well someone squeezing shit out of your pores. I'm sure you can imagine how that feels. Now multiply that by 1,000 and that's what I went through. Holy christ. But honestly I'm on a mission for clear skin. And by that I mean CLEAR. Meaning I don't have to wear makeup if I don't want to. So these facials (the basic facial is $100) will have to become more of a staple in my life. I'm going to start saving up for them. I need to start pampering myself more, after all. So if anyone wants to join me for a day at the spa, let me know.

Also, just to show how seldom I go to the spa... when I got there and they gave me my own robe and flippyflops I was SO EXCITED. I get really excited by robes. Even if I don't get to keep them. The thought of robes in a hotel room gives me goose bumps.

Unfortch, the steam room wasn't working that day so I couldn't use that. But I did: Eat their food, drink their water, drink their tea, use their shower, pee in their toilet and use three of their towels. I think I got my (boss') moneys worth.

Lynn, this post was specifically for you because if you do in fact want to get a facial, Bliss is great. They massage your shoulders while your face steams and I got a special seaweed mask and while that was setting she massaged my feet. I mean, come on. It's the best.

Also, did I mention the robe?!?

Like Nun Other

My lovely readers I would like to introduce you to my friend Maria's blog. Maria has a song in her heart and an eye for good comedy. Maria is also a nun. You might be thinking, "what does a nun know about comedy?!" Oh... only EVERYTHING. (That's literally the only comeback I can think of right now I'm so tired)

Don't believe me? Read for yourself.

Air it out laundry style

Because I am 1) lazy and 2) somewhat busy and 3) really lazy, I decided that I don't want to do my own laundry anymore. Especially because "clothes mountain" was starting to look like "clothes mountain: the ride" with little cockroaches riding in socks down the side with their 6 legs raised in the air. weeee!

So I decided to take it to the cleaners. Now I really truly hate takin my clothes to the cleaners. I have a fear that 1) my clothes will be ruined, 2) my dirty laundry (read: my poopie-stained panties) will be photographed and put on the internet (poop two days in a row people, this is content!) and/or 3) my clothes will all mysteriously "vanish" (read: will be sold on the clothing black market known as "the laundro-person's closet"). But this week clothes mountain was just too daunting and, as I said before, I was just too lazy.

The bag of clothing? Well yes, it was heavy. But I didn't realize HOW heavy because my wonderful awesome boyfriend carried it to the cleaners for me. I guess $30 does seem like a lot to pay for laundry... but eh. Who cares. Just relax and let them do their job. This is, after all, what they DO FOR A LIVING (that is in upper case because it's foreshadowing).

So this morning I go to pick up my freshly cleaned laundry with a smile on my face and a spring in my step and no socks or underwear on. I bound up the steps, and push open the door, the fresh scent of Tide mixed with pride tingled my nostrils. "Good morning! Here to pick up!!" I handed the wrinkled old woman by the dryer my ticket.

Dum deee dum. What a lovely morning! Laa dee dooo.

"OH THIS IS YOU!!!??! TOO MUCH LAUNDRY! YOU SHOULDN'T WAIT SO LONG TO DO YOUR LAUNDRY! TERRIBLE! TERRIBLE!!! ARE THESE ALL YOUR CLOTHES!?!?"

Wha... but... i thought... but i was super bus... but...

The old wrinkled woman berated me for having TOO MUCH LAUNDRY.

YOU ARE A LAUNDROMAT. IS THERE SUCH A THING AS TOO MUCH LAUNDRY!?!?

Well I didn't think so but apparently there is.

I was so embarrassed you guys! I paid her and even tipped her cuz I felt bad and I was SO EMBARRASSED and felt like such a slob. I looked at all the other teeny tiny miniscule bags of laundry awaiting pick up. Teeny weeny bags with teeny weeny clothes with no poopie stains on the panties (but honestly, it's not real poop, it's from my clothing line). Sigh.

I walked out with my HUGE ENORMOUS ELEPHANTITOUS BAG OF LAUNDRY and teeny tiny mouse tears in my eyes.

No not really but damn, what the hell??

Oh and to top it off, I'm telling the story to my boyfriend (he used to use the same place) and he's all, "that's really weird! she never said a word to me. all smiles!"

Seriously though you guys. What the hell??

Just a day in the life

First, the woman who job shares with me taped a fortune from a cookie to our file separator that says "you are never bitter, deceptive or petty." with smiley faces surrounding it. Now, my first thought was, "is this her way of telling me I AM those things?" I quickly dismissed that thought. Now if it had read, "you never leave work for me and you always remember to email me about what's been going on while you were in the office so i'm caught up when i come in on Friday" then I would have worried.

Second, I am not a believer in the meat on the street diet. I've never partaken in it but have always wanted to because DAMN that meat smells good. But I always knew as soon as I did I'd be the unlucky one who got food poisoning and diarrhea (or as I like to call it, butt water). But then I saw Rachel Ray on Ops and she convinced me that yes, street meat was a great eat AND a great deal. (Thanks Liz!) So I just ate it. I will keep you updated on the consistency of my pooh pooh.

HEHEHE... POOH POOH!!!

And third, I read this articleabout a family in Turkey who walks around on all fours and honestly, I started to get freaked out. It really scares me to have people walk around like that. Remember that movie Return to OZ? Remember those FREAKY dudes who had wheels for hands? God that scared the SHIT out of me! So this makes me think of that and, I know this is terrible, but they are also mentally handicapped (although the article calls them "retarded"... is that an ok term to use these days??) and that makes it even weirder and scarier. Ok I am terrible. I know. But I guess my point is I have to see this documentary.

Because I love scary movies.

Ok GLENNIS ENOUGH!!

I sound like the most red necky hick American ever in this post, don't I.

Glupdate

So for those of you semi interested in my life (and really why wouldn't you be... you do in fact become a glesbian the second you click on my blog) I have a few updates!

Well first of all I just found out I booked a NY Lotto commercial where I play a shiny little star in the sky with a bad attitude. Shoots on Friday and it is really funny! I'm so excited! I get to dress as a star! (which will, I'm sure, be terribly hot and uncomfortable)

And also, recently I did a commercial demo for a new gum called Stride from the makers of Trident. That was a fun time... that won't be on tv (and the NY Lotto one will, duhvs, only be in NY) but it was really funny and fun.

ALSO, I did a reading of a part in the new Tina Fey pilot the other day. I did it only because the girl who was actually cast in the part couldn't make it back from LA for the reading. But get this... I'm at a table with Lorne Michaels, Tina Fey, Rachel Dratch, Tracy Morgan and Alec Baldwin! I have one word for you about Alec... CHARM. ING. Dang. And funny! But anyway that was so amazing (so amazing that I spaced out after and left my atm card in the machine) and the casting director who got me THAT called yesterday to call me in for a new pilot she's casting called "6 degrees."

When it rains it pours!

Also, you should come see I Eat Pandas still. Two more shows left! Travis is moving away to DC you guys so this might be your last chance to see us in NY.

:( booo

Ok that was fun.

Love,

Glennis

Slop-rah

Ok I have something to post about but first... dude this is MC HAMMER'S BLOG. Ha! It looks like it's the real thing.

Ok so anyway, on to my post.

So the other day I'm watching Oprah (duh) and she has a show about "faces behind the most famous brands." Her first guest on is Marc Jacobs. Marc has his own clothing line (of the same name) but is also the creative head behind Louis Vuiton. So Ops is Rrrrraving about this new LV bag she has (which was so freaking awesome even though I hate the look of LV) and at one point the producer or whoever brings it out for her to show off to the audience. So I'm like "wow, nice bag!" and then for a second I was like, "wait... was that a milk stain on her Louis bag?" so I kept watching and sure enough there was a little splat of something on the bottom corner of the bag. So that's weird right? Cuz this is Oprah and, well, she's Oprah. But then she goes on to say "I don't even put that much in this bag because I want to take SUCH GOOD CARE OF IT."

So that was just weird to me. Did Marc see? Did the audience? I mean come on, first row must have seen if I saw. I'm sure I'm the only one who saw it and/or cared. I live such a dull life.

But seriously, come on Opsies.

Also, this blog is amazing. Just click, it's all pictures. Amazing.

Peace!

Your dog G

Mardi-grump

Wow, check out Hartnet-throb Josh (too many puns in a row? Liz might not think so) at the Mardi Gras parade. He was an honorary Grand Marshal of the Orpheus parade and as you can see by these pictures he was just thrillllled to be there.







Whoa buddy, CALM DOWN!!

They had to bring this kid in just to make Josh look like he was having fun!



Some people just don't know how to have a good time.

No-No-No-Notorious

After coming across this story today, it got me thinking about how shitty something like winning the lottery really could be. Ok yes, there'd be the initial, "HOLY MOTHER OF GOD I HAVE SO MUCH MONEY OH MY GOD!! BATH TUBS OF COOKIES FOR EVERYONE!" but then what? Well I know I myself would have no problem blowing through millions of dollars in, oh... a few days. (No, really.) But aside from that. Think of all the douchebags in your life. I'll give you a minute.

Don't forget that dude from work.

A lot of them huh? Yeah now imagine those douchebags when faced with someone they KINDA know who now has millions of dollars. Holy crap that would suck! Would that suck worse than not having millions of dollars?

And that leads me to this: can you win millions of dollars and stay notorious? Like Biggie? No-no-no-no... no I don't think you could. Could you hide it from everyone but a select few? Cuz if you could I think that's the way to go. I can't stand when lottery winners have their picture taken with their huge check or their winning ticket for the papers. Are you CRAZY? Now not only do all the douchebags in your LIFE know what you look like and that you have money to burn, but now so does all of Douch-merica. Congratulations dumdum!

Also I was up super super late again last night for no reason at all and I watched a few of the episodes of Roseann that were at the end of the show's run. Where they win the lottery, Dan has a heart attack, Dan stays in California to take care of his sick mom, Dan cheates on/leaves Roseann. Did it bother anyone else that when they won the lottery they stayed in that shitty house and just got tackier more expensive things? I mean I guess it works and whatever but it drove me NUTS. I was like come ON, really? You're going to stay in Lanford... with that WALLPAPER?? Also, Roseann wrote the episode I watched. Nothing significant about that just thought it was something. Yep, that was something.

And didn't that show end with them saying the whole thing had been a story Roseann wrote and that Dan died when he had the heart attack? Does anyone remember?

Oh and can I say one more thing please. I wrote an email to someone who shall remain nameless telling them I thought they were hilarious and that I loved their blog (I do not know this someone but I do love their blog) and they never wrote back. DOUCHE. You are a douche, sir. Can you tell me what isle the douche is located on? I'm sure you can because you, m'lady, are a douche.

Also, do I detect a case of too cool for school? I do think so.

Forever your girl,

Glennis

new template

This is the funniest template I've ever seen.

I am in heaven.

Cool Horse.

Listen people, I don't know what's going on around here but all the sudden it seems like everywhere I look people are too cool for school. What's the deal?? What happened to dorking out over your favorite tv show or song? What happened to not caring what people think? What happened to talking in funny voices and quoting retarded movies that made us laugh (and not being afraid to admit they made us laugh). Now it's, "oh man I'm chillin over this awesome dick joke I just heard" (no exclamation points). Seriously, if I hear one more person sigh and roll their eyes at something I say, I'm going to shoot them in the heart. IN THE HEART!!!! (multiple exclamation points!!!) [and smiley faces :):):)] Let's all just chill the eff out ok?

No this is not in response to any one in particular. Just something I noticed happening between two suited-up attorneys as I filled in at the reception desk.

Attorney One: Well Johnson DID have a few good points in that meeting.
Attorney Two: (rolls eyes and sighs) Johnson is a tool.

Ok, perhaps Johnson is a tool. But could you get off your rad train for two seconds and hear the man out? Maybe Johnson has the answer that could win this case for you! Wouldn't you love that?? I bet you would. Who would love that!? YOU WOULD!! YES YOU WOULD!! A-geeeeew!

Let's get excited again people. Being depressed, believe it or not, is NOT cool. You know what's cool? Jumping. Yeah I said it. Jumping is cool. Also, brownies! Brownies are so cool! And this blog, this blog is SO cool. And ME! I'm cool! Are you cool??

Well, are you?

Now we know why...

It all makes sense.

Believe-mia, you need to see this.

Because I was up at what I think was 3am but very well could have been 1am or 4am, I was able to see a Lifetime movie I hadn't seen before. It's probably the best Lifetime movie ever made. It's called, "Kate's Secret" and it stars the TV mom among TV moms: Meredith Baxter Birney.

Kate is a beautiful woman married to a successful man about to be made partner. Kate enjoys aerobics and eating lightly. Her daughter is even becoming a girl scout. Everything in Kate's life is perfect. But Kate has a secret. Kate likes to "get rid" of her food. Doctors call it something like purging or BU-LE-ME-A. Say it with me.

Apparently this movie was made in 1986 and not many people knew about the "B" word then. This movie was not only a gem but educational as well.

My favorite part of the movie was... oh god there were so many! First I'd have to say the part where she gets bad news from her husband (he has to work late) and she goes on a rampage. She hops in her car and maniacally drives to the local food mart and walks out with a pint of ice cream. The store owner runs after her, "won't you need another spoon for your daughter?!" No. No she won't. She quickly starts shoving ice cream down her throat which only made me wonder how many times they had to cut for ice cream headaches. Then the best part. The music. Crazy violin horror movie music! It's almost too perfect. As Kate shoves the haggen daaz down her gullet: "REE REE REE!" As she peels out of the parking lot and into a fast food drive through HONKING HER HORN (she can NOT get the food fast enough people!): "REEE REEE REEE!" As she orders not one but TWO large fries, one fish sandwich, one cheeseburger... "oh and what else did she want?" she says. That's right, two milkshakes. "It's a surprise for my daughter" she lies to the drive through attendant. Don't drag blue collar joe into your nightmare, Kate. Drive on.

Before even leaving the drive-through window she smashes a fist-full of fries into her fry hole. Then...

The Purge.

A dark ally. Kate stops her car and shamefully walks into the darkness. We see only a shadow bend over. A loose shoelace? No friend. Not this time.

I fear I'm giving too much of this amazing story away. You really HAVE to see it. The characters she meets in the hospital on her road to recovery. The tragic heartbreak. The uplifting moments. It's almost too much goodness packed into one Lifetime movie.

So please, if you know what's good for you PLEASE see this movie.

Love,

Glennis "no secrets here" McMurray

Pandas!

Here's a link to the Time Out NY article about my musical improv group I Eat Pandas.

Now get off yer tootie and come see our show, won't you?



Love,

Glennis

Time Shout!

Hey everyone if you have Time Out NY check out the comedy section to see my smiling face, Eliza's sassy face, and Travis' handsome mug (and a review of our show "I Eat Pandas.") If this doesn't make you want to hump my leg i don't know WHAT will.

(that excludes you, Kirby. I know you'll always be willing to hump my leg.)

I'll post a picture tomorrow for you out of NYers.

The day is looking up.

ALSO I JUST JOINED SAG! Yay!

i've had enough

in light of recent events (i.e. the past 26 years) i've come to a decision. now don't try to talk me out of this because I've made up my mind. from this day forward i'm not going to celebrate any more holidays except birthdays. i'm sorry if you are used to receiving huge sums of money (bags of coke) from me for christmas. but look on the bright side, that sum will be doubled for your birthday!


Two things to note about your present. 1. it's outdoor cocain, 2. silly straws make coke habits adorable

i just build the shit up so much nothing is ever going to be good enough. isn't that terrible? well that's how it is. it's all or nothing with me folks.

so that's about all. i just wanted you to know. no more holidays. christmas especially.

cheering up the world one post at a time,

glennis